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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be hospitable to parents who stayed during a child's party?

201 replies

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:23

dd's 6th bday party today - for one reason or another 4 of the parents stayed (without prior warning). I don't know any of them at all, and when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' then offered them a drink and left them to chat with each other/their dcs as I hadn't expected anyone to stay. They were right in my kitchen while I was whizzing around preparing the food, dealing with the various crises (someone wet themselves and needed to change and borrow clothes etc etc). I didn't really offer them party food or anything, but as one was leaving they grabbed a few buns and said 'I'm starving'! So now I wonder - should I have offered them food? Tried to be more 'hospitable'? They could see I was crazily busy, and I offered them nothing beyond the initial cup of tea as I just had to focus on the party...

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 12/06/2011 13:56

That all sounds fair enough to me - not really sure why you posted TBH after reading that you did your best. I would have said i was staying in advance too - agree it is a bit odd they didn't.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 13:57

OP YANBU they should have let you know beforehand (did you put your number on the invite). How do you know if know one lets you know. Its your job to look after and cater for the children, not some random parents who just want to stay on the day. Its a kids party not an adult party. And most adults I know (incl me) eat for England and would probably gobble up all the sausage rolls and delicately made sandwiches so there is none left for the kids. You did right op, ignore the rest.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 13:58

How can you cater for people that you don't know are going to be there, your not a mind reader. My dd has mild SN and I would have definitly asked and offered to help before hand.

ZZZenAgain · 12/06/2011 14:00

just read your OP, don't worry about it, you said sure they could stay and gave them a drink and then they could see for themselves how busy you were.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:01

'Have just read that no-one stayed for 4th or 5th birthday party - it realy does make it even more suprising that they stayed for the 6th, doesn't it?' - yes, that was very strange. Some of them stayed as they sort of couldn't be bothered going home. Thinking back, one seemed a bit glarey as if I'd done something wrong in not really engaging with him, the others more relaxed.

Oh well, I'll know better next time and will probably know the parents a little better. But the number of child guests will have to be cut way down if we have to factor in parents too, so that is a pity. Then again, parents are unlikely to wet their pants and need to be changed or pull their pants down or heckle the poor magician...

OP posts:
Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:03

DoMeDon - I posted as I was in post-party confusion and needed to workshop it a bit - faced with an unexpected situation so needed to get other opinions.
pigletmania - yes, number and email address and even spoke to some of them personally, and texted those who didn't rsvp and mentioned our house was small so would like to know who was coming

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:03

OP you are brave having a party at home. We had a MacDonalds party for dd aged 4 a few months ago and it was good as parents could have a drink and a bite to eat in the main eating bit, while their kids were at the party.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:07

So there was no excuse for them just to turn up and stay without contacting you beforehand.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:08

piglet - I see that now, just realising all the things that could have gone wrong. Having 15 hyper 6 year olds is very very different than 7 meek 4 year olds. Am still in recovery really, it was pretty full-on!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:09

Next time your ds will be 7 and if that happens again you can say, leave your number with me and see you later so they get the hint. At 7 they should be more than old enough to be left if no SN of course.

Clockchange · 12/06/2011 14:11

I felt awful once, at ds's close friend's 6th birthday party. It was at his house and his mum had specifically requested that parents DIDN'T stay unless absolutely necessary. Problem was my ds was very shy at that age and said he'd only stay at the party if I stayed too. Knowing how it would upset the birthday child if ds didn't stay, I asked his mum if I could and she did agree but reluctantly, saying there wasn't much space. She didn't need me to help with anything but her dh made me a drink. At that time ds decided to jump on my lamp in his normal style of nervous excitement, sending my drink flying, sticky blackcurrant juice all over their sofa!

I felt awful, my presence had been a problem for them and my friend couldn't hide her annoyed expression no matter how hard I tried to get the stain outBlush

I insisted next time ds stayed on his own and he didGrin

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:12

no, no excuse at all for them to turn up and stay, I made sure every single one rsvpd as we might have been able to have some cousins at the last minute if I knew any school-friends weren't coming. I suppose when they asked if they could stay I could have said no! But I left it up to them to decide with the proviso that I wouldn't be able to chat with them, I really had to say that to be clear even to myself that I wouldn't be running between the kids and parents trying to keep them all happy!

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 12/06/2011 14:15

I think children over the age of four should be thrown out of a moving vehicle in through the door of a party. Wouldn't have expected any parent to stay unless they told me before, and if they did they'd be ignored or given a job.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:16

and tbhI can't imagine writing on an invitation 'parents not welcome' - I think next time I will call each one and ask if they intend to stay. Or rent a hall so we can have everyone. Anyway, my dd had a whale of a time, most of her friends seemed to as well, and maybe that is the main point. Feck the parents, maybe it is not really my problem if they had a good time or not as none of them let me know they planned to stay!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:19

God 15 in a house your brave. We have a medium detatched house and noway would I have those numbers. I had 3 kids plus mums for dd 3rd party last year and it was chaos. Food and playdoh trampled into my carpet, my house being turned upside down, that is why we opted for cheap and cheerful MacDs this year, at least the mess is there and they clean it up, parents can stay nearby. Of course you cannot host the parents your too busy, even with just 3 kids i found it a nightmare. They are rude and should have let you know before, why should you cater for them at the expense of having your ds friends there Hmm.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:21

exactly! kids are happy thats the main thing

Hormoneoverload · 12/06/2011 14:22

This has really surprised me. I had always thought it was courteous to stay with little ones, and that I would need to ask to leave not the orher way round. At parties where we are, at least half the parents would stay, and the other half would have arranged for another parent to keep an eye on their little one. Nothing worse than having a couple of children clinging onto your leg when you're trying to host a party IMO.

ZZZenAgain · 12/06/2011 14:23

I don't see why the parents would need "hosting" though. Why can't they just chat amongst themselves? No harm in having a plate of sandwiches and some crisps ready for them next time maybe. Or just a couple of big packs of crisps. Never had paretns stay at dd's parties but then mostly it is true, we go elsewhere.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:24

piglet - yes, didn't realise how intense it would get, having never stayed at a party! I think maybe they were just a bit thoughtless to presume it wasn't a problem for them to stay, and hopefully they aren't peed off that I wasn't more hospitable. They should have been able to see how busy I was - and I was literally running around most of the time!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:24

It is the norm that when they are of older school age like the op dd aged 6 you usually drop and go. Thats what happened when i was a kid and went to a couple of parties. I was dropped and left at 5 and at 7 and i was fine.

Hormoneoverload · 12/06/2011 14:24

I should add that I would expect to help if needed and no part of me would expect to be "catered for" or to chat to the host. This party thing is more of a minefield than I ever expected!

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:26

Well if the op had known they were staying she probably would have had a plate of sausage rolls for them and some crisps but if they just turned up she can't do that. Don't worry op just be happy that they had a good time, and know for next time.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:27

and I had SN too lol, my mum could not wait to drop me he he he

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:29

Thanks. Hope they don't hate me now and be bitching about my lack of hospitality! My dd had a bit of a tough year at school so I really wanted her to round off the year with a nice party.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 12/06/2011 14:29

that's why I said "maybe" and " for next time"

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