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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be hospitable to parents who stayed during a child's party?

201 replies

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:23

dd's 6th bday party today - for one reason or another 4 of the parents stayed (without prior warning). I don't know any of them at all, and when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' then offered them a drink and left them to chat with each other/their dcs as I hadn't expected anyone to stay. They were right in my kitchen while I was whizzing around preparing the food, dealing with the various crises (someone wet themselves and needed to change and borrow clothes etc etc). I didn't really offer them party food or anything, but as one was leaving they grabbed a few buns and said 'I'm starving'! So now I wonder - should I have offered them food? Tried to be more 'hospitable'? They could see I was crazily busy, and I offered them nothing beyond the initial cup of tea as I just had to focus on the party...

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 12/06/2011 10:02

When they were under 5 yrs they were largely my friends so they stayed. The odd sibling, dad was fine.
After 5yrs they had a completely free choice-some I knew-some I didn't- so it wasn't the same.
After 5 yrs it was organised so I was busy. Under 5 yrs they just played so I wasn't terribly busy.

ImeldaM · 12/06/2011 10:40

Well, I usually stay and offer to help in advance, because my pfb DS is a bit clingy Grin. Although with his good friends he will happily stay without me there.

Took him to a party once though, for child aged 4 & there was mix of loads of 4 & 5 yr olds in public hall, it was chaos, the mum had said in advance they didn't expect parents to stay, no way would I have dropped & left, surprised some didn't get 'lost' tbh Shock

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 10:56

sparkle12 - 'Otoh OP you were very rude to those parents who did stay, it wouldn't have killed you to be a bit more polite on the outside, though I too would have been seething on the inside!'

I don't know how rude I was tbh - I said anything I did say in a jokey way - the 5 parents I have to say really were in the way as my kitchen is pretty small so I had to keep squeezing past them!

I also felt sort of inhibited by them being there - it was another layer of worry on top of the children who got pretty high spirited and wild at points while the 5 parents sat and watched! And if I'd known that parents were staying I would of course have had planned better - had somewhere for them to sit, had some food for them etc. I am not the type to seethe (sp?) but did find myself in the midst of the chaos thinking omfg what am I supposed to do with these people? and then not being able to do much at all as the party was so full-on.

OP posts:
Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 11:13

for anyone still interested - would this do as a semi-apologetic email to those who stayed?

Many thanks for coming along to dd's party yesterday - it was lovely to meet x and dd is delighted with the lovely gift she brought her. I hope x enjoyed herself. It was nice to meet you too and I'm sorry I didn't get much of a chance to chat with you more, it was a little too busy!

OP posts:
complexnumber · 12/06/2011 11:16

When you say a child had to be taken home to get his inhaler do you mean you did that? As in left the party to take the child home? Would you have done that if the other adults hadn't been there?

StickyProblem · 12/06/2011 11:26

I always stay, DD (6) doesn't like being left, but at someone's house I always say when replying to the invite "would it be OK if I stay?". Most of DD's class are OK to be left but not all. I certainly wouldn't expect food but I would probably ask it was OK to make tea (will make tea for any number of people in exchange for a brew myself!)

I'm quite surprised the other parents all sat there doing nothing, I would definitely have offered to help and would certainly help take strange children to the toilet, and run over the road to get inhaler, and generally try and do anything I could to help without rummaging in your drawers or messing with your oven or doing anything to give you additional stress. Although perhaps your comment about "I will ignore you" made them feel they'd probably stress you out even more by trying to help.

I think your email is fine. People know what it's like having a party in your home, it's really hard work. If you are used to doing it yourself it's easier to just crack on with it than marshall other people. Congratulations on getting it successfully out of the way till next year :)

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 11:27

complexnumber - yes, I had to bring him home and no, my dp was there too but that was the stage the party got very full-on so he was fully absorbed in managing that

OP posts:
Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 11:31

stickyproblem - yes, none of them offered. Tbh, from what I could tell they seemed happy enough, chatting with each other etc. This was the first year we've had something like this at home - we had just 7 guests when dd was 4 and actually no parents stayed other than one mum who is a close friend and she helped out the whole time. Soft play at 5 but it felt a bit detached - this was the extreme opposite. Again at the soft play only one parent -a friend - stayed, so that is why I was caught off guard this year!

OP posts:
complexnumber · 12/06/2011 12:01

I hadn't realised your DP was helping out too. I was having a bit of a boggle at how you were doing it all on your own without leaving the kids.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 12:06

complex - yes. He was assembling party bags and doing general chaos management - he also now thinks it a bit weird so many parents stayed without saying they planned to

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 12/06/2011 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegruffalosma · 12/06/2011 13:04

I don't think it's paranoid to not want to leave your kids with practical strangers. Would you leave your kids with someone you said 'hello' to each morning at the bus stop?
I know it's the done thing nowdays cos kids seem to invite whole classes to parties and you're not going to know everyone that well but I don't think it's overprotective to be wary of dropping your kids at the door of a strangers house.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 13:10

thegruffalosma - I suppose I consider school to be a community where even when you don't personally know other parents they are not just random strangers, there is a level of trust there. Unless I am completely naive or things are different where I live, I thought this was nearly everyone's perception.

OP posts:
thegruffalosma · 12/06/2011 13:24

I think that's a bit of a false sense of security you have there to be honest. There will be parents at your school that are less than ideal, parents with drug problems, abusive parents, parents being monitored by social services and you would have no idea.
I agree that most parents leave their kids at parties after about the age of 4 but I personally wouldn't if I didn't know the parents well.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 13:26

YANBU at all, at 6 (unless SN) I would have thought it would have been drop and go. They should have called you prior to see if it is ok, they were rude, what are they going to do, go to their childrens' parties up to the age of 12! You offered them a cup of tea that should be enough, the party is for the kids not for them, they should have eaten beforehand. Its not your job to cater for the adults. Even when I used to go to preschool parties that my dd was invited to, I always eat before and never helped myself unless the party parents have requested that we could.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 13:28

They should have at least offered to help too, how rude.

veritythebrave · 12/06/2011 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pipandpet · 12/06/2011 13:35

Why are you asking if YABU when you are not accepting the view from some people that you were BU?

Like I said, I think you were rude. You said in your reply to me earlier post that you were busy with party bags and food - so you should have asked them for help.

And as for not offering them a sandwich, I think you're mad to not have a bit of spare food floating around for parents / siblings who do decide to stay. I'm new at this party malarky (DS is still in reception) but already I can see the need for planning for extra numbers.

trixymalixy · 12/06/2011 13:39

I don't think it's that weird for parents to want to stay at that age and I think you were a bit rude to them tbh.

They should have got stuck in and helped though.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 13:42

pipandpet - I am not rejecting a view or rather not meaning to, just sort of thinking back on it and wondering what else I could have done. I now (from the input of others on here) think those who stayed were unreasonable in not telling me they were intending to stay.

Re 'should have asked them for help' - well as I said I have a tiny galley kitchen so there was no room for anyone and really I didn't have time to focus on managing helpers

As I said, no parents stayed at my dd's 4th or 5th bday parties, so it really was entirely unexpected that they would at a 6th - hence the 'madness' Hmm of not preparing for anyone to stay. I don't think it is unreasonable to think it strange that a parent would stay for an older child when nobody did for a younger one. Those parents who dropped and went for the 4th and 5th parties know me no better than those who stayed for this one.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 13:43

pipanpet the op was not rude, she offered them a cup of tea and let them get on with it! They were not invited, and they did not contact her prior to the party to see if it would be ok to stay, and she was busy with organising a party! I would have only offered them something at the end when kids have finished, as adults can eat an awful lot more than 6 year old kids. verity I am in your situation with dd aged 4 who has mild SN

DoMeDon · 12/06/2011 13:45

YABU - I hear parents moaning when all the parents leave and have no helpers, now moaning because they stayed. Load of silly nonsense. As host it is your job to make it clear who you do or do not want. They are the parents of your DC's friends - great for them to stay. Why not 'the more, the merrier - help yourselves to drinks and food'

thegruffalosma · 12/06/2011 13:46

Meant to add that even though I would want to stay (or at least poke my head around the door) if I didn't know the parents. I would check if that was OK beforehand.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 13:49

DoMeDon - the invitations came from my dd to her friends - x would like to invite y to her 6th birthday, at ... from 2-4, rsvp please, followed up with a text to those who didn't rsvp as we needed to check on numbers as our house is on the small side
And I'm not moaning they stayed, but do think parents should let the host know if they are intending to so they can cater accordingly. I would definitely have invited fewer kids if I knew parents might stay as it was a total squeeze and I now feel inhospitable as I was unprepared for anyone staying. I was as friendly as I could be in the circumstances

OP posts:
ibbydibby · 12/06/2011 13:53

I don't think you were being rude OP. Think I am the same and tie myself up in knots afterwards over whether or not I should have said/done X, Y or Z. Have just read that no-one stayed for 4th or 5th birthday party - it realy does make it even more suprising that they stayed for the 6th, doesn't it?

I think the thing is to use it as a lesson for next time...it may be different as your DD will be older, but if you have younger DC(s) with a birthday party at home, suggest you collar a parent who you know fairly well to help you in advance, but also anticpate that other parents may want to stay. And if they do stay, think of one or 3 easy/menial tasks that you can set them to if need be....

As was suggested earlier in the thrread, mugs, tea and coffee strategically placed near the kettle is a good idea - someone might even bring you a much earned cuppa while the party is on!