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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be hospitable to parents who stayed during a child's party?

201 replies

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:23

dd's 6th bday party today - for one reason or another 4 of the parents stayed (without prior warning). I don't know any of them at all, and when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' then offered them a drink and left them to chat with each other/their dcs as I hadn't expected anyone to stay. They were right in my kitchen while I was whizzing around preparing the food, dealing with the various crises (someone wet themselves and needed to change and borrow clothes etc etc). I didn't really offer them party food or anything, but as one was leaving they grabbed a few buns and said 'I'm starving'! So now I wonder - should I have offered them food? Tried to be more 'hospitable'? They could see I was crazily busy, and I offered them nothing beyond the initial cup of tea as I just had to focus on the party...

OP posts:

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:46

piprabbit - ok, thanks. Maybe next time I'll say 'rsvp and please let us know if any mums or dads would like to stay for the party'. Could get tricky with numbers though - I had no idea parents still stay at parties at this age as my dd has been happy to be left since she was 4!

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Ingles2 · 11/06/2011 22:46

you're fine in3minds, the parents on the other hand are just plain rude!
No you don't expect parents to stay at 6/7.. these dc have been at school, unaccompanied, every day for 2 years.. and if they are nervous about going to someones house you tell the host in advance*
not just turn up on the day, hanging round like some bloody spare part, making the host nervous.
jeez, what is wrong with some people.

GreenEyesandHam · 11/06/2011 22:47

I was wondering why anyone would want to stay at a child's party, but I suppose SN, very nervous children etc it makes sense.

You were a teeny bit inhospitable I guess, but you did give them a drink

I dropped my 10yo off at a party recently, and the host said 'would you like to come in for a while?' and stepped back to welcome me in.

In my head I said no do I chuff, but I shuffled in and stood smiling awkwardly at the birthday girl for a few minutes before running off making my excuses

halcyondays · 11/06/2011 22:48

At that age I would assume that one or two parents might stay. I agree that saying "as long as you don't mind me ignoring you" was a bit rude. I would have felt uncomfortable if someone said that, maybe they felt that you didn't want them to help? Could you not just have offered them some of the food when you served it up to the children?

pipandpet · 11/06/2011 22:48

I think you were BU to be honest. 6 is still a bit young (and presumably some children are still 5 and you said at least one has SN).

They asked if they could stay. Your response was that they would be ignored if they did.

You said yourself there was nothing to help with as you had entertainment planned.

I think you were rude and inhospitable. What harm would have come from being a bit more polite and passing them a plate of sandwiches?

Oakmaiden · 11/06/2011 22:49

Round my way parents always seem to stay at parties. Very few drop and run (in fact, I think I am the only one who does - and I have had a few panicy looks from parents as I hand over my 5 year old and breezily say "see you later!") It is that or take my other 2 with me though (which, come to think of it others seem to do too).

I don't cater specifically for adults, although I do tend to put "siblings welcome" on invitations and invite the adults to help themselves to drinks and to the party food when the little ones are all sat down and eating.

Yellowstone · 11/06/2011 22:51

Anyone I wanted to stay I'd ask in advance. Last thing I used to want when mine were little was clingy mothers hanging around being goody goody as though my parties were somehow dangerous or I couldn't manage their little DC. If their DD or DS didn't really want to come then I'd rather they declined the invite.

in3minds I think you were very gracious and did amazingly well.

wudu · 11/06/2011 22:54

Yes, I have to say, I would always ask (pre-warn?) about staying first.

It would be rude not to.

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:54

wudu - ' (incidently, how can you be crazy busy but find nothing for them to do for half the time ) and would probably have been the one following you round trying to make conversation to allay the awkwardness of being sat like a useless fool in the corner'
I was crazy busy and didn't ask for help because -

I had to get the food together and put it out, including cooking some food in my tiny galley kitchen off the room they were sitting in and didn't feel like asking one of them to find the food and cook sausages etc as they hadn't offered to help
A girl none of them knew wet herself and needed help being cleaned, changed, right pair of dd's trousers found for her to borrow etc
Another girl none of them knew had to be brought home across the street to get his inhaler - none of them could have done that
One child was very upset because they weren't sitting beside the birthday girl so I had to talk to my dd about that
I had to liaise with the magician to see when he'd be finishing so as to time the food
Some of the kids had to be stopped going into my bedroom

And maybe overall - I had enough to do without managing a team of (non) volunteers!

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Megatron · 11/06/2011 22:55

My DD has Type 1 diabetes so parents always beg me to stay! I would never leave her anyway at her age (4) but I've had 7 or 8 parties at home now and some parents have stayed but I just get them to muck in. The more the merrier as far as I'm concerned.

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:59

pipandpet -
'They asked if they could stay. Your response was that they would be ignored if they did.'
no, my response was 'sure, if you like but I'm afraid I might have to ignore you if you don't mind as we're so busy, but can I get you a cup of tea or glass of wine'?
'You said yourself there was nothing to help with as you had entertainment planned.'
No, I had to get the food and party bags ready and deal with various mini-crises as they arose.
'I think you were rude and inhospitable. What harm would have come from being a bit more polite and passing them a plate of sandwiches?'

I didn't have a plate of sandwiches or the makings of them, I had actually made up small lunchboxes for each child so they could have a taste of everything without being overwhelmed by others maybe grabbing, and (in a bit of a prissy way!) so they would have some fruit as well as buns etc.

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FairhairedandFrustrated · 11/06/2011 23:00

When you said to me "as long as you don't mind me ignoring you" I would have felt like crying.

Seriously.

DD is painfully shy - she gets that from me. So probably it would have been a huge effort for me to get dd to want to go to a party and it would have been a huge thing for me to have stayed with her.

She's 9 though and to be honest we've refused parties before where she didn't feel comfortable enough to go - particularly after one child's father hid behind a door and jumped out at them, dd had hysterics and I had to be called to go pick her up...

Wilfimina · 11/06/2011 23:03

I think yabu. You said yourself that you dont know any of the parents. Would you leave your child with someone you dont know? I certainly wouldnt even if they were 5,6 or 7. And tbh if someone had said something along the lines of "im going to be ignoring you" then i dont think i would have dared ask if you needed a hand in case i was more in your way.

When my son had his first birthday party at nursery a couple of mums and kids (they were related to each other) actually came on the day after but we still invited them in for a brew and a party bag (i had done about a million extra "just in case". We were surrounded by the blummin things for ages)

peggotty · 11/06/2011 23:03

Actually, this is one of those threads that has opened my eyes. It has never occurred to me that I am pissing off people by having to hang around at parties sometimes. Another thing to add to the list of Awkward Moments Of Parenting.

SE13Mummy · 11/06/2011 23:03

I don't think you were unreasonable... if they have children who aren't happy being left at a birthday party at age 5/6 they will, bar exceptional circumstances, usually know this in advance and so could ask about staying when they RSVP.

For DD's 5th and 6th birthday parties we've included a line on the invitation that says something like, "invitation is for named child only, we do not have space for parents or siblings - sorry!". DD has a couple of friends who, at her 5th birthday party, weren't ready to be left but we knew that was likely to be the case and so asked their mums beforehand if they minded giving us a hand. Parents of DD's friends have been very positive about the 'no extras' line on the invite and a number of them have used it since... one who was less subtle for the 5th birthday found herself landed with a handful of siblings and a random older cousin. She was more assertive when her DD turned 6!

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 23:06

Yellowstone - thank you! I was pretty cheerful to the parents (or at least smiled albeit slightly hysterically) at them when I could and sort of asked 'can i get you anything' everytime I thought of it. But it seemed to take every minute of my time and ounce of focus to deal with the party rather than the unexpected grown ups!
FairhairedandFrustrated - really seriously felt like crying? I really didn't mind too much them staying and as I said I did say it in a jokey way but couldn't find a way of really catering for the parents or conversing with them with so much else going on.
Does nobody else find dealing with 15 5-6 year olds a little all-encompassing?

OP posts:

FairhairedandFrustrated · 11/06/2011 23:10

pmsl @ 'liase with the magician...'

skybluepearl · 11/06/2011 23:11

personally I'd have left some cake or something in the kitchen for them to help themseleves to and made them a mug of tea. when my kids were younger i would stay but help out. now the eldest is old enough to attend on his own. i know and trust the parents though.

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 23:11

wilfimina - 'Would you leave your child with someone you dont know?' - well not a random stranger on the street but yes I frequently leave her at parties of children in her class. I always ask her if she's ok before I go, and sometimes go in with her for the first few minutes if she wants me to but I certainly don't have any fear of something bad happening at the party of a child in her class..wow - should I?
peggotty - I think if you make it clear that you are happy for the host to get on with the party and are semi-apologetic about staying (just to cover if they are peed off) then it should be fine, no?
se13mummy - wow, people actually send those not invited to parties? That is an eye-opener. The party list for dd's party was really carefully thought through as we were completely full to capacity with the 15.

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Lovebendicks · 11/06/2011 23:14

Mine are much older now but I would not have left mine at a young age with people I didnt know. Around here parents always stayed & I would provide food & drinks for adults also. Something simple like cheese, biscuits & crisps & soft drinks. I've been to parties when wine has been served for the parents. I always asked if siblings staying just so I knew how much to prepare.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/06/2011 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halcyondays · 11/06/2011 23:19

Absolutely it's all encompassing but you'd have been entirely reasonable to ask them to help. Maybe you could have asked them to help put food out or give you a hand clearing up or just ask them to help supervise while you dealt with the children who had crises.

It would be a really nice thing to do if you asked on the invitation to let you know if parents want to stay. As they get older most parents will probably be glad of the chance to drop their kids off for a couple of hours and it will only be one or two that have a good reason why they feel they need to stay. Some parents, including me, really appreciate it if any invitation gives you the option of dropping off or staying.

Original poster

in3minds · 11/06/2011 23:21

lovebendicks - interesting....I always expected parents to stay at 3 or 4 and catered accordingly. But I was never offered the option of staying since dd was 5 or 6 and she didn't ask me to, so never knew anyone else did! Actually one mum before the party today said her ds is a bit shy and I said - well please do stay if you like - but they ended up not coming. I just didn't expect or plan for 5 extra grown ups and was too rattled. Gawd they probably all think I'm a rude bint for not catering for them don't they? Aaargh. I am annoyed with myself for not realising so many would expect to stay....did they really expect to be catered for? I did have little chats with them when I could manage it

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reelingintheyears · 11/06/2011 23:24

At aged six i'd have dropped off and ran off for a couple of hours....

Gone shopping etc.

Not all parents are happy with this so i/we always had some plonk ready and encouraged them to join in.

Hopefully not many stayed and there was lots of plonk left over for later.

wudu · 11/06/2011 23:26

They didn't need to be catered for in3. Don't worry about that.

What I found rude was the "as long as you don't mind being ignored by me" bit and the general grumpyness about them being there.

But you've explained that you said the above jokily and that they hadn't actually fore-warned you that they were going to stay, so on balance, I don't think you've got anything to be annoyed with yourself for.

I'm very that they didn't offer to help though. Very rude of them.

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