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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be hospitable to parents who stayed during a child's party?

201 replies

in3minds · 11/06/2011 22:23

dd's 6th bday party today - for one reason or another 4 of the parents stayed (without prior warning). I don't know any of them at all, and when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' then offered them a drink and left them to chat with each other/their dcs as I hadn't expected anyone to stay. They were right in my kitchen while I was whizzing around preparing the food, dealing with the various crises (someone wet themselves and needed to change and borrow clothes etc etc). I didn't really offer them party food or anything, but as one was leaving they grabbed a few buns and said 'I'm starving'! So now I wonder - should I have offered them food? Tried to be more 'hospitable'? They could see I was crazily busy, and I offered them nothing beyond the initial cup of tea as I just had to focus on the party...

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 14:32

I am sure that they won't don't worry about it

microfight · 12/06/2011 14:36

I wouldn't over think it but fundamentally you sound like you were simply annoyed that they had stayed unexpectedly. You did offer them a drink but they may have sensed you were pissed off and that is the only reason YABU. It doesn't take more than 15 seconds here and there to say something that would have made them feel welcome. I would have definitely asked them to help with something small even if it was just to make them feel comfortable. They would have had their own valid reasons for staying.
I am fairly sociable though and love to try and make people feel included at my house, invited or not. I probably would have used the opportunity to find out a bit about the parents of my child's friends.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 14:42

microfight - I wasn't annoyed, just a bit bewildered and I did try to chat with them when I could, but it was pretty ad hoc as I was so busy.
I am sociable and also love to make people feel welcome when I can - it is the fact that I couldn't be as hospitable as I would have liked that I'm finding a little upsetting. I would like to get to know them a bit better as I love meeting new people and my dd is in school with their children, but it wasn't possible in the circumstances.

OP posts:
thegruffalosma · 12/06/2011 14:46

I wouldn't worry about not feeding them - I wouldn't expect feeding. It was just the 'as long as you don't mind me ignoring you' bit I thought was a tad off but then I guess it depends on how it was said.

GiddyPickle · 12/06/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 12/06/2011 15:04

I think it was because one of the parents made that comment about grabbing a couple of buns because he/she was starving that made OP feel uncomfortable. It is a bit like a rebuke

BooyHoo · 12/06/2011 15:08

have only read the first few responses but i am actually shocked by what i have seen so far.

i would never host a birthday party and be affronted when parents chose to stay. i think teh OP came across as incredibly rude to tell peopel she would be ignoring them and no i would definitely not expect people to muck in at my own house when I was teh one hosting the party. i have done this in teh past and teh only person taht helped out was my mum and even then i was telling her to sit down and chat, to leave everything to me. i really am shocked and cant believe tht i would be considered rude to take my child to a party and stay without 'prior warning' for the host. i always assume people will stay and i make sure i have enough food and drink for all teh parents of chidlren invited. even if that means some isn't eaten.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 15:27

BooyHoo - well it seems you are in a minority. I was not affronted, but taken aback that parents hadn't warned me they might stay as this situation hadn't arisen at parties when my dd was younger. I didn't say I wanted anyone to help.
I think you would be pretty rude not to give the host prior warning - how would they know who to cater for otherwise? In a small house, every extra person counts and tbh I would think you were a bit thoughtless to assume you were welcome to stay unless specifically invited

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 15:29

booyhoo how was the op rude!

  1. they turned up and wanted to stay without letting her know beforehand
  2. She offered them a cup of tea and was polite to them, by letting them know that she was run off her feet and would be busy
  3. where she could she tried to speak to them, even if it was briefly (you try doing that when you have 15 6 year olds in your house)

So imo that does not constitute rude! How can she cater for people that are not expected or not invited!

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 15:30

It is only polite to let parents know if you want to stay, my dd has mild SN and I always contact parents well beforehand.

pigletmania · 12/06/2011 15:31

Well parties for school age children it is the norm to drop and go, so if you want to stay its only polite on your part to let them know.

BooyHoo · 12/06/2011 15:41

"when they asked if they could stay I said 'sure - as long as you don't mind being ignored by me' "

i know tone doesn't transfer well in text but to me this sounds rude.

" I didn't really offer them party food or anything,"

i also think this is rude. ok so she wasn't expecting them but once they are there in your house, it is only courtesy to offer them hospitality.

as i said i have hosted parties and always made sure tehre would eb enough food for teh parents of all DCs invited. some parenst stayed, some left. i was fine with either. i never considered it rude of those who stayed not to let me know beforehand.

i know you didn't say you wanted them to help. i was referring to the other posters who suggested they should ahve helped.

i guess people just do thinsg differently.

bozzybabe · 12/06/2011 15:42

Were you at the party, per chance?

BooyHoo · 12/06/2011 15:43

is that to me bozzy? no i haven't been to any birthday parties for a few months. not sure where in3minds lives but i am in nortehrn ireland so very unlikely taht we know each otehr.

bozzybabe · 12/06/2011 15:47

No I'm very sorry I'm new to this site and thought you could respond to a message by clicking Add Message at the side of each post, woops, lesson learnt! It was for beertrickspotter.....

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 15:47

no, we are not in northern ireland and don't know anyone there - maybe there are different norms there, or where you live people have bigger houses! I did make it clear to all invitees numbers were tight as our house is very small so I think if I was planning to stay for whatever reason and I had been told that I would give the host the heads up. It was the surprise, the being caught off-guard that was tricky and tbh a bit stressful

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 12/06/2011 15:51

ah right, ok as i said i had only read teh first few posts when i responded so i wasn't aware that you had made clear that you were tight on space when you invited folk. in that case then yes i think the onus was on them to say "actually do you mind if i stay". i think just personally i see a child's birthday party as a chance to egt to chat with otehr parents, especially if we dont see each otehr at the school gates due to working. but i can see how it would have been a bit awkward space-wise for you and not having expected any adults to stay so not prepared foodwise.

MrsSchadenfreude · 12/06/2011 15:56

I had a no parents rule following one party where six of the Mums decided to stay, plonked themselves on the sofas, chatted for the entire party, did not offer to help or indeed interact any way, except with each other and to say crossly to DH "Any chance of a cup of tea around here? We're dying of thirst" while DH, I and my two friends who were helping raced around sorting out games, food and drink for the children (who were, I think aged 5-6). One of the children had autism and an obsession with stairs, which he wanted to spend the whole afternoon climbing - this essentially meant that one of the adults was tied up supervising him going up and down the three flights of stairs, while his Mum had a nice time chatting with her friends.

I gave them all a piece of birthday cake, and one of them asked what the icing was - I told her it was dark chocolate and double cream and she pulled a cat's bum face (having stuffed the lot) and said "And do you really think that is suitable for small children?" I asked if she would have preferred icing sugar, soft margarine and food colouring (had had enough of her by then!) and she just glared at me.

If you are going to stay, then help, at best, or stay out of the way and shut up criticising the food/games.

As I've said before, I always made sure the worst behaved child won the final pass the parcel, which was usually a musical instrument. I felt a certain smugness as the car drove off down the street with the child banging the drum loudly in the back seat... Grin

ZZZenAgain · 12/06/2011 16:02

wow

how rude, moaning about your icing wtf

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 16:04

MrsSchadenfreude - that is unbelievable - what a nerve!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/06/2011 16:19

Booyhoo I think that the remark was a bit lighthearted and meant in jest. Yes the op stipulated it on the invite that space was tight and to let her know if anyone was staying, but they just turned up like that.

MrsSchadenfreude how rude of them, I am Shock about the general bad manners of some parents, what hope has the child got! That would be last time I would invite that child I am afraid, with a mum like that ruining things for them poor child.

MrsSchadenfreude · 12/06/2011 16:26

I'm afraid I didn't invite the children the following year. I really couldn't face the mothers.

Original poster
in3minds · 12/06/2011 16:27

and people wonder why others 'outsource' parties to soft play? As usual, its the parents not the kids that are the biggest problem!

OP posts:
Rollergirl1 · 12/06/2011 16:56

My DD had her 5th bday back in April. As someone else said the norm round these parts very much seems to be the entire class (Reception) is invited and comes so there are 30+ kids. DD had hers in a hall with an entertainer. I would say that 20 of the childrens parents stayed and 10 left (they tended to be the parents with elder children). I quite honestly don't think i'd have been able to cope with 35 kids if all the parents had left me to it. All it would have taken is one child to have hurt themselves and without a parent to console/cajole I would have had to have done that myself. Which would have taken me away from other things that I needed to do. I had a number of Mums trying to foist their no's on me there and then so they could leave and I could call if their was an emergency. I found this quite stressful to be honest. You have so much to do without having to take down parents numbers.

I think it just depends on the circumstances. Where the party is, how many kids, how old they are, etc.

I know the party was in your home. And that should definitely be accounted for. But I have to say that if someone had said to me, even in a jokey manner, that I would be ignored if I stayed, I would have felt very uncomfortable.

ragged · 12/06/2011 16:57

I don't think you were rude, I honestly can suddenly & unexpectedly feel starving & maybe that's all the comment meant. I think you're taking it too seriously.

It can be extremely good for social networking (with knock-on benefits for you & your child's experience of the school) if parents stay & chat, & you try to be part of that chat, even briefly & intermittantly (almost impossible I know, if you are host).