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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pregnant at 17 ... but it was 'expected'

337 replies

waspbee · 10/06/2011 17:36

friend of my husband has a daughter who has just announced shes pregnant. the mother said she 'expected it' to happen. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am i being unreasonable to think what the hell happened to her mothers duty to get involved and stop it happening. so sad

OP posts:
Beamur · 10/06/2011 21:51

I have stepkids this age and they seem so young, but other kids of this age are more streetwise. I can't see how we would 'control' them, but hope they have the knowledge and self confidence to make the right decisions for themselves.
Whilst it may not be good for various reasons, having a baby in your late teens is not a disaster - its physically ideal. My Mum was 21 when I was born and many Mums of her generation were in their early 20's or younger too, I've had the benefit of her being fit, active and young enough to be fun and enjoy similar things as I've grown up. I'm glad my Mum had me when she was young.

TheFlyingOnion · 10/06/2011 21:52

Its not about having a good job.

Its about widening your horizons, experimenting with different personas, going whereever the fancy takes you, having a million friends to go out dancing with, seeing the world, experiencing all that life has to offer.

Thats is what your teens/twenties is about

Not being stuck in staring at the walls with a baby.

Yes, you can (maybe) do that stuff later, but it is NOT the same and it is HARDER.

Why make life hard for yourself/your kids?

ZXEightyMum · 10/06/2011 21:53

"My son was 19 before he considered sex. The same will apply to my now 18 year old"

That's a very interesting statement Fabby.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2011 21:53

Why can you not continue your career after having children? It's much easier to pick up your job again when maternity leave ends than it ever was.

Maryz · 10/06/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillyR · 10/06/2011 21:56

But I haven't found it harder. I had kids in my early twenties and have found it very easy to do that kind of stuff in my thirties.

And of course part of family life is about having a good job, because without one, you have to live in poverty which is difficult. So as your kids get older, it is helpful to have a decent income.

It possibly helps that the country I have gone to work in for a month at a time has a culture where it is normal for young women to have kids while at university.

Laquitar · 10/06/2011 21:56

Well her twenties might be harder but her forties will be fab Wink

I'm stuck in on friday night in my forties Grin

SueTheSlut111 · 10/06/2011 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

MillyR · 10/06/2011 21:58

LWITH, there are still a lot of women who find themselves out of a job because they get pregnant, or find their career isn't compatible with available childcare, or who want to work part time and can't.

There are pros and cons to whichever part of your career you have to combine with being the mother of young children.

fuzzpigFriday · 10/06/2011 22:02

Depends what you mean by 'hard' LWITW? :) parenting isn't the easiest thing but I don't feel I've faced any problems specific to being a youngish mum. I will admit I am in a slightly different situation though, as my DH is a lot older than me. We have been together nearly 9 years now. :)

What I don't understand is the view held by many that your life is over when you have a baby, especially if you are young. I genuinely don't get it. Loads of people want to travel and build up a career first and that's great, but I didn't, I hated the idea of delaying what I really wanted in order to fit in with the rat race. My heart wasn't in it. What I wanted more than anything else was to be a mum. I still have a life, I'm starting work soon, I'm studying, I volunteer a lot in the community, I have hobbies. The fact I chose to be a young mum doesn't mean I'm lacking in ambition - quite the opposite: it means I knew what I wanted from life and, despite the fact it meant going against convention, I got it! :o

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 22:02

" She can study. She can have a career. She can travel"

With a little baby? Are you fucking kidding me? Hmm

Even now, probably all she can think about is her growing tummy and the baby inside her. Pretty soon, she will live for her little baby. Unless she pawns off her baby to the grandmother and skips off to a school dorm for the semester, she will be taking care of that baby for a very long time. And that is all she will be doing.

TheFlyingOnion · 10/06/2011 22:02

Howevr Milly, if you have the career BEFORE the kids then at least you have the choice whether to stay or go....

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 22:05

She may be over the age of consent, but she will still expect the hard working tax payers to support her and her child.

Why the expectation that a 17 year old expects the tax payer to pay???

Does no woman in her 20s/30s/40s not have a child whilst claiming benefits?

Not all teenage mothers sponge off the state, in the same way not all middleaged mothers financially support their child with no state help!

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 22:07

fuzzpig - You are practically saying that you had no ambition. You weren't interested in the "rat race". All you wanted was to be a mum. Since then, you have had hobbies and volunteered.

I'm not judging you at all (to each her own and all that) but you are the definition of "no ambition". Which is fine. But don't say that you were ambitious.

ZXEightyMum · 10/06/2011 22:09

I'm approaching forty and this thread is making me very broody. I'm off to the one in Chat about the Friday Night topic and it'll be your fault if I conceive a Tory Politician.

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 22:10

Psych - Given the earning capacity of 17 year olds, I would say that it is fair to assume that their babies will be supported by outside parties. Unless they are heiresses (none of those have babies at 17, I wonder why) and/or have trust funds (even trust funds are usually not available at 17).

Laquitar · 10/06/2011 22:11

CoteDAzur, no, i 'm not fucking kidding you Hmm

Use your imagination a bit and open up your narrow mind. Or read the post above yours.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 22:12

I have travelled around Australiasia (twice). I have been on cruises around the caribbean. I have been to a number of countries in Africa. I have been to a number of countries in Europe. I have been to USA a number of times. I have been to Canada.

I own my own house have done from the age of 19.

I have financially supported myself throughout, I have paid for nurseries, childminders, nanny, private schooling.

I have a professional career that I am qualified in.

I am 32 years old.

I was privately educated, I came from a middle-class 2 parent household. I was loved by both parents. I was never abused either physically or emotionally.

I chose to get pregnant, it was no accident I spent 6 months trying.

Unbeknown to me fate was going to step in, and at 19 I was in an accident that resulted in my tubes being removed.

How glad am I that I had my child at 17.

Tell me what I have missed out on, and tell me how my dd has been deprived by having a 17 year old mother.

Vagabond · 10/06/2011 22:12

How can we say YABU unless we know more about the mother.

She might have been a very caring, attentive, nurturing mother who taught her daughter about life, about having ambition and making good choices. Could be that her daughter just didn't play ball with Mum's rules; therefore she's not surprised.

Or was she a mother who perpetuated the myth that teenage pregnancy is a route to getting govt help and housing? Again, she's not surprised.

Being a great mum is not mutually exclusive with having a head-strong child who will bloody well do what she wants to do.

No matter what though, a 17 year old being pregnant is not ideal. She is unlikely to have a means of income or a long-term partner and will probably end up being a drain on either her parents or the state.

Laquitar · 10/06/2011 22:13

I meant fuzzpig's post

fuzzpigFriday · 10/06/2011 22:13

Ambition: A strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.

So yeah, I'd say I was ambitious - the 'something' being 'to have a family and be a great mum'. Just because it is a different 'something' doesn't mean it's not a decent ambition.

Anyway, I do have career aspirations - I'm training to be a teacher eventually, and hoping to get further with my volunteering - it's just that those things to me were secondary to having DCs.

Psychpineapple · 10/06/2011 22:15

From the age of 15 I worked in Tescos shelf stacking, I studied for my 'A' levels and worked and raised a wonderful child. I studied for my degree, worked and still raised a wonderful child.

I then went out to work.

It is not difficult you just have to actually do it, rather than be lazy about it.

MrsTwinks · 10/06/2011 22:19

YABVU, you dont know the exact situation, There could be all sorts of reasons shes pregnant and the mum expected it; because shes in a relationship and shes useless at remembering to take her pill (we all have those momennts) for example, not all of them mean she meant to, and that doesnt make her awful, and doesn't mean that her mum failed as a parent. Where does it say women cant be mothers at 17 and that means they have no ambition?? to that point where does it say you have to ambitious to not be a bad person with no morals/values etc?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 10/06/2011 22:21

How stupid of me to compare a bad situation with a dire one.

I apologise

Get on with your ridiculous posturing about your self restraining, well bought up kids who wouldnt dream of having sex.

D0G · 10/06/2011 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.