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AIBU?

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Original poster

pregnant at 17 ... but it was 'expected'

337 replies

waspbee · 10/06/2011 17:36

friend of my husband has a daughter who has just announced shes pregnant. the mother said she 'expected it' to happen. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am i being unreasonable to think what the hell happened to her mothers duty to get involved and stop it happening. so sad

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 10/06/2011 18:23

Oh ffs. You can have ambition and still get pregnant. I was pregnant at 20 because dh and I slipped up contraceptionwise. That doesn't mean either of us lacked ambition. It just means we made a mistake. Dd1 was unplanned but never unwanted. I think some posters need to remember too that there are worse things that can happen to your child. Yes it's not what you'd want in an ideal world but we don't get to live in an ideal.
Please don't ever, ever characterise what has happened to me and young women like me (well ok i'm not young now - dd1 is 13!) as a 'shame'. It is deeply, deeply patronising.

cheesesarnie · 10/06/2011 18:27

do you have a dd op?if so how old and what steps are you taking as your 'duty' to 'stop it happening'?

lazylula · 10/06/2011 18:33

I can understand what the mum said, my nephew told me at 14 he intended to be a dad at 16. No amount of talking to him worked and he did indeed get his girlfriend pregnant, although he was 16, baby born when he was 17. Short of locking him in a room there was little anyone could do to stop it.

Nullius · 10/06/2011 18:35

The sorry state, shame and lack of ambition you seem to project onto teenage parents, may not be such a sad story if the fathers of these babies were made to take as much responsibility as the mothers.

Her ambition.
Her life.
Her career.
Her mother thinks.

Are we spotting a pattern here?

Its such a shame for the dad, he wont be able to have fun / have a career / see the world / he must have lacked ambition. Oh no sorry, I forgot, this is Britain where only women have to face concequences for pregnancy.

Georgimama · 10/06/2011 18:36

The OP is going to get a pasting because of her comments about the mother's "duty" however I can say I would not be delighted at all if my daughter got pregnant at 17, and whilst many many people can and do make the best of such a situation, it is hardly what anyone actively wishes for their child.

catgirl1976 · 10/06/2011 18:37

Sad but true. Boys / men do not have the same level of responsibility or consequences. Which is wrong but unlikley to change

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2011 18:38

So if somebody posts that their daughter is pregnant at say, 16 or even 15, and somebody responds that this situation is a 'shame'... is that unacceptable just in case their is another poster on the thread who was also pregnant at this age?

It isn't patronising, it's not about YOU, it's about a situation and people will either agree that it's a shame or they will say that it isn't. Either way, it's just an opinion and doesn't affect your life or your decisions a whit.

hairylights · 10/06/2011 18:39

Yabvu. And judgey.

Nullius · 10/06/2011 18:40

There is a big difference between 15 and 17. At 17 she is over the age of consent and effectively an adult.

Northernlurker · 10/06/2011 18:41

'Shame' is a perjorative term. It's not 'just an opinion', it's a criticism which I think is unfairly founded and when you label one situation in that way, yes of course you are labelling others like it too. I'm not wild about that.

lazarusb · 10/06/2011 18:42

At 17 I was on my way to Uni, had a long term bf and was on the Pill.
I fell pg and decided to keep my baby. I have been judged from that day to this for ruining my life, giving up on Uni and living off the state.

It hasn't ruined my life, I adore my son who is a nice, well-adjusted young man.
I am off to Uni this year aged 40. If I had done the degree I'd intended to do at 18 I don't think I'd be very happy now. This subject is where my heart lies.
I have always worked and bought a flat with ds's dad when I was 19.

I appreciate that being pg at that age isn't ideal but neither is it the end of the world. It isn't a disaster.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2011 18:44

Nullius... age of consent wasn't my point; some women do get pregnant at a very young age and will justify their decision just the same.

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/06/2011 18:47

Whilst she cant phyically of stopped her, knowing she "expected" it to happen she could have sat her down and had a chat of all the pitfalls of having a child as a teen. The realties of financing a child, giving up nights out, likely to be no further education etc and the stark fact that the relationship is unlikely to last.

Depends on the mothers values though, perhaps she sees nothing wrong with the situation and knows she wont be paying for the child but that the state will.

Its not something i'd ever want for DS.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2011 18:51

Northernlurker... It is a shame, in my view. That's not the same as 'shameful'. It's a shame is an expression that to my mind is used to describe an event that is 'unexpected' or likely to 'ruin plans', like the weather, if it starts raining.

My Mum would have been furious if I'd been pregnant at 17 - it had been dinned into all of us that you finish school, go to university and/or get a job, marry, live a bit and then have children. Obviously after 18 it's a person's own decision, but it was the feeling of disappointing my Mum that I would have found very hard.

Opinion/criticism... it's how you perceive it. I'm not criticising you, I don't know your circumstances. Sooner or later, on AIBU, something is going to strike a chord - if not this then something else. You can't stop people from having an opinion, it isn't personal and it's not about YOU.

Original poster
waspbee · 10/06/2011 18:52

shes not with the father btw right out the picture

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 10/06/2011 18:56

I haven't read through the whole thread, but actually having a child so young can sometimes make you more ambitious that ordinarily you would have been, especially if you somehow feel you have let yourself down in some way by not being settled in life before having a family. I have a friend who has studied unbelievably hard since having her daughter at 17, she is now a doctor. Takes some balls that does. She has been unbelievably skint all throughout her 20's but has got there in the end.

Laquitar · 10/06/2011 19:03

She seems to have supportive parents so i don't see the problem. She can still study and work.

What 'values' are you talking about???

She didn't kill or stole money from a pensioner!

happy2bhomely · 10/06/2011 19:11

I think the point is, WHY did her Mother expect it to happen? Was it because the Daughter told of her plans to get pregnant? Was it because the Mother knew that the Daughter was not not using contraception? Was the daughter promiscuous? Was it because she herself was a young Mum and 'knew' statistically that her Daughter was more likely to be one too? Did she do poorly at school so the Mother 'expected' she might go down this route? There are just so many variables that it's impossible to judge if this is U on not! For the record-I was 16 and had left school with great results and started A levels. I met my first boyfriend, someone who I lost my virginity to. My Mother told me to wait until I was ready, I did. We had a relationship, despite my Mother urging me to concentrate on college. We used contraception as advised my Mother and it failed. My parents were devastated and shocked, so were his. I knew about contraception and I had ambition. I fell in love with my boyfriend and my unborn baby. Nothing and no one would have convinced me to have an abortion-and believe me, they tried! I quit college-he worked hard. We kept that baby, and went on to have 3 more together. We have been together 12 years now and and got married 2 years ago. My mum is proud of me.

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 19:16

YANBU. There is something wrong in a family where the 17-year-old daughter gets pregnant, as expected.

"That would depend on if she's in a serious long term relationship I suppose?"

How long can a 17-year-old's relationship possibly be? Hmm

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 19:20

Of course, it is a shame. Not shameful, but a shame.

No, "it's a shame" is not pejorative. It is an expression that is used when you mean "I wish it hadn't happened".

Adversecamber · 10/06/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 10/06/2011 19:32

Cote, I can think of plenty of people who're still with the partners they had aged 17!

CoteDAzur · 10/06/2011 19:37

Your friends must all still be 18.

I'm 40 and among everyone I've ever known on threes continents, there is one couple who have been together since they were 16.

Anyway, my point was not that staying with your first boyfriend forever is impossible.

My point was that asking if a 17 year old girl is in a "serious long term relationship" is ridiculous because she has barely passed the age of consent. How "long term" can any of her relationships be? Several months?

Darnsarfupnorf · 10/06/2011 19:39

yabu and patronising, ignorant and judgemental

i agree with supa, i got pregnant at 19 during my 2nd year at uni, im now taking a year out to look after dd and will be returning to uni in sept 2012 to finish my degree before going on to my phd. i wasnt so motivated before but since i got pregnant ive got more and more determined to prove everyone wrong

surely whats important is the daughters happiness and not the opinion of every tom, dick and harry? let her be, shes old enough to be a mature, responsible and wonderful mum. its the start of her life, not the end of it

tissuesplease · 10/06/2011 19:51

i think its pretty poor, yes once the baby comes all is forgotten but seriously why have your daughter struggle when things could have been so differently

yanbu id feel the same way