pregnant at 17 ... but it was 'expected'

[waspbee]

friend of my husband has a daughter who has just announced shes pregnant. the mother said she 'expected it' to happen. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am i being unreasonable to think what the hell happened to her mothers duty to get involved and stop it happening. so sad

Yes, I'm not saying it is always the right thing to have a child just because you feel like it. If I believed that I'd have more than two children.

My point is that there is no point putting off having children so that you can go clubbing/travel/work abroad if you will actually hate every minute of it because you'd rather have a baby at that point in your life.

Looking back at the reality of the situation, if I had gone travelling etc rather than starting a family, we'd never have been able to buy our house, because the housing prices went up so much between my early and mid twenties. So perhaps the answer is that the best time to start family life is when rents/house prices are just starting to rise and an economic boom is emerging. We would have struggled to raise two children if we had waited another ten years, even though we had more money 10 years later.

YANBU. Though if the girl has two parents both of them should be involved. The outlook is not rosy for most 17 yo girls or their babies and parents would be crazy and imo maybe even neglectful to think it's inevitable and therefore do nothing to steer their daughter in a different direction.

You speak a lot of sense Milly. I would have been miserable just waiting for an arbitrary 'right age' I think.

I agree lots of women don't get the urge for babies until they are a bit older, that is the cultural trend now anyway. It's drummed into us that we need a career first.

My mum felt like that, and it was a lot more unusual then - she was 35 when she had me. She said she never felt maternal at all, and finally decided to come off the pill basically because "they may as well have a baby now" thanks mum...

Don't get me wrong, she absolutely fell in love with me and it was no different, I reckon, than if she had always dreamed of motherhood. Perhaps she delayed it as her mum was only 17 - she was forced back to work and my mum barely saw her, and understandably resented it.

She did regret waiting though. She got pregnant twice after in her late 30s and miscarried both. :(

Oh God, fuzzypig- don't get me started on celebrity culture!! I get very very cross at the "role models" held up for girls today- Kerry Katona???? Jordan (or whatever she is calling herself nowadays)??? among many others. Every time I hear that they are in rehab/ have a new relationship etc I wonder how their children feel about it all. I detest the idea that young people are queuing to go onto the X-factor as a means to be famous aka successful What the hell is wrong with our society when these people (footballers, models, "pop" stars) are more revered than nurses, carers, people who actually do anything remotely useful? It makes me feel quite despairing, it honestly does. I try my hardest to keep my dc away from it.

MillyR- I always knew I really really wanted children, and I knew it might not be easy, given that I watched my mum losing 4 babies (2 mc, 2 stillbirths) over the years. But I still wanted to have that window in my life which was just for ME, so I put it on hold until the time was right for me. I think you can have a strong desire to be a mum but also want other things first.

Jooly I love that you said 'don't get me started' and then wrote a whole paragraph :o

"how many teenagers are currently unemployed? Over a million I believe. Are they all over the news as scroungers? Are they judged in the same way?"

Probably not, because it is not their fault that the economy is in a downturn.

I'm interested in the idea that 17-year-olds who get pregnant are generally in a stable couple, financially independent, and choosing motherhood as part of a life and career plan. This seems to be the thrust of things here. Is this what you are saying?

Also interested in the idea that because older women may not be financially independent but getting state help when pregnant, this makes it advisable to encourage 17-year-olds to do the same. Is this what you are saying?

Gooseberry are you talking to me? :)

(because I'm not saying that at all - too many arguments going on at once on this thread!)

pineapple, I think, and a couple of others who said I was talking bollocks or some such so I don't think so fuzzy

I think the fact that teenage mothers are more likely to come from poorer families says alot.

If teenage pregancy is so wonderful, why don't girls from better off familes do it?

Ah ok then. Anyway, I agree that it's naive to think all young parents (or indeed parents of any age!) are "in a stable couple, financially independent, and choosing motherhood as part of a life and career plan" - I guess I just waffled on posted to try and show that some are - in other words that being a young parent isn't mutually exclusive with a fulfilling life :)

I think that sort of person is probably more unusual (er understatement?)

This is really a question of should we expect 17-y-o's to get pregnant and should a mother encourage her children not to.

I say no, and yes, for the reasons above.

stuck, they do. They get abortions.

Middle-class girls do get pregnant in their teens, but they are far, far more likely not to continue the pregnancy. I am entirely pro-choice and think this is fine in theory. In practice, I think families and healthcare professionals have an undue amount of power over teenagers, which is not healthy.

I know LRD. Maybe I should have said "If teenage motherhood is so wonderful..."

LeQueen Of the teenage mothers I know, this is a very accurate description of their lives.

I know - I assumed that was what you meant, was expanding on it really.

I just wanted to point out that 'nice' middle-class girls who get abortions aren't necessarily doing so because they are ambitious, or because they sensibly decided they're too young. There can be a heck of a lot of pressure to deal with the stigma of teenage motherhood by having an abortion and although 16-18 year olds are over the age of consent, they are probably still living at home and dependent on their parents. I think this is a serious issue and I think our society deals with it very badly, so in a way I am pleased when I hear about parents who don't react to their teenagers' pregnancies by wanting to make it disappear.

Btw - someone mentioned upthread that studying with a baby would be easier than working. I find it odd and annoying that now I am doing a PhD, people (including my own supervisor ffs!) have told me now would be a great time to have a baby. Now, in terms of time-management, my undergraduate time would have been just as easy - and yet, for a lot of middle-class girls that would be seen as shockingly early and 'a shame'. I'm mentioning this because I don't see how we can debate attitudes to teenage motherhood without also debating the pressures on women to have a baby at the magical 'right time' that often seems to be 'about four years before you started trying'.

And dont forget, women are designed to have babies in their late teens and early twenties. It may not be our ideal now, but thats the peak time for our bodies.

What I get pissed off about are the judgey pants women who ive known who looked down on me, lectured on about their all important travelling the world, having the job and the nice car, got all of that, waited till their late 30's and then cant get pregnant. People need to stop giving the impression that we have all the time in the world and this is the right way to do it.

No they wernt, doesnt change the fact that we are designed to have babies at that age and we do run out of eggs. My nans in her 90's and she wouldnt have lived to that age a centuary ago, doesnt mean she can have a baby though does it!!

Heres an interesting point for debate, up thread we had comments about the hard working tax payers funding these babies and that the teenage unemployed dont get the same bad press as its "not their fault" infering of course, that teenage pregnancy is the mothers fault and she should just suck it up.

For a teen parent who goes on to work (they have to now when the child turns 5 anyway, its not a choice) or the many I know who had 2 or 3 years at home and then worked, who is really costing the taxpayers more?

1. The 17 year old who get pregnant and then recieves income support and tax credits for 3 years

2. Or the person who deliberatly chose not to have children because they wanted to have the job the car the lifestyle, and not be "one of those" teen moms, but then hits 35, cant get pregnant and needs three rounds of IVF from the NHS?

Or cant we debate that because one is more likely to be middle class and the other from a poor background? We all have choices and both of those choices cost the dear tax payer money.