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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why some women don't have sex with their husbands enough?

327 replies

dontstopbelieving · 09/06/2011 22:14

Just from reading some threads I think some women don't realise how much a man needs sex. Totally on a different level to how we do but making that bit of effort not to think about how tired we are (I am most of the time) but just from my experience they don't want firework inducing experiences. Its just how men feel close and connected is by having sex. Shouldn't we make the effort to make the effort?

OP posts:
fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 18:50

Morebeta do you still that?

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 18:51

No, I meant;
Morebeta do you still think that?

MoreBeta · 10/06/2011 19:28

About what the man said?

I didn't really think, it was more of a gut reaction.

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 20:12

So, out of interest, what do you think.

Omigawd · 10/06/2011 20:19

@fearne I thought if you reversed the sexes you'd get the same result......

MoreBeta · 10/06/2011 21:04

I think she handled it badly. He felt really bad for messing things up, she nagged, he couldn't climb down. Being kind, she should have allowed him to climb down.

BertieBotts · 10/06/2011 22:45

"Both need sex to connect with each other, but men possibly need it more, because they are less good at communicating and connecting in other ways (e.g. verbally)."

Hmm. But having been in relationships where I completely swallowed that and just accepted that "men don't communicate well" and let it explain away loads of shit (was not the healthiest of relationships, to be fair) and ended up really unhappy, I think it's a dangerous myth to be perpetuating. It's hard for anyone to talk about their feelings. I don't buy that it's innately harder for men, I'm sorry. I think they think it's harder for them because of the whole "boys don't cry" thing that's likely been drummed into them since childhood. But it ends up being just an excuse to avoid the issue and have sex "because that will make the problems go away!" No, it won't. Because you haven't bothered to identify the problem and actually, you know, sort it out like adults. And pressuring someone into sex by sulking and/or claiming that it's a magic tonic to make you feel more connected actually makes the pressured partner feel more disconnected, sex becomes less of a connecting thing and more of a chore, and that begins to bleed into sex for fun as well and eventually it kills the desire stone dead.

I know my view of this is skewed because I was in an abusive relationship and it was like this to the letter, and probably for those in healthy relationships who experience this it isn't quite the same degree of things, but I think there is a danger of it happening to a degree, if both parties believe the old "A man needs sex to feel loved" thing.

thumbwitch · 10/06/2011 23:21

there's another thread running on here at the moment about a DH being emotionally cold and unaffectionate with his wife, claiming to be a non-emotional person, but being fine with the DC - the respondents on that thread are all saying that a lack of affection in a relationship is a real turn-off and doesn't encourage the wife to want sex, as it feels like you're just there as a biological hole, rather than a loved person.

So perhaps that's a fairly common response - love in a marriage is about far more than just sex, on the physical side - affection is very important too.

Clarabumps · 10/06/2011 23:28

i just think that - not to be the stereotypical female here but- i'd like to feel like i was cherished and appreciated and it'd make me have more sex..but sometimes the way dp goes about things is a bit archaic.. evening goes as follows.. i'm with kids all day
dp comes in and gets dcs hyper
im bad guy and calm them down,
get kids to bed..after 13 hours of constant childcare,
tidy up and make dinner for dp.
tidy up kitchen..have a shower do i'm at least clean even though exhausted
hardly speak to dp as when he comes in from work he doesnt much want to speak,
so i go and read my book and then he comes to bed and cue:SEXUAL PREDATOR WOMAN that i'm supposed to turn into..
eh???? im jiggered by this point.. and dont even have a prelude to having sex of getting me a cuppa.. im not that hard to please but dp has to put the work in too.. im not just there to service everyones wants!!
I want a day off!!
thats what i want!

midlandsmumof4 · 10/06/2011 23:50

It's been two weeks since we last made love. Asked my OH if he fancied a s**g last night. He said no....I'll wait. We've been together for 32 years,married for 26 this year.Grin.

Poshbaggirl · 11/06/2011 07:29

It has been scientifically proven ( i know coz i saw on telly) that the female orgasm is 10 times better than the male orgasm. So my theory is we should score 10-1. I developed this theory while seeing DP and observing/ learning his needs. (exH was impotent, so no sex thereSad)
Therefore i likened his orgasm to bread and butter and mine to Gateaux. He gets his bread and butter whenever, as long as he serves me up a good bit of cake whenever. When we have sex i never expect a 1-1 score(ie both orgasm) he doesnt have to feel bad that i didnt orgasm, and we are both happy, when i really feel like it i have a good scrub in the bath, and he knows i'm hoping for a good servicing, to the point i fall off the bed. Every shag is memorable.
When i first told him about the 'Bread and butter/ Gateaux' Theory he was speechless with my level of understanding of men. As an academic he said i should write a book on it.
To all those women constantly moaning about their DH/ DP i suggest you get over your fear of being alone and leave. It was your choice to marry, marriage shouldnt be such an ordeal, it should be about love and understanding. Also dont get so hung up about housework.

Poshbaggirl · 11/06/2011 07:49

....also, women get horny when they are ovulating, whereas men are ever ready. Another 1-10 ratio.
It is also a fact that those practising natural birth control have more sex than those on the pill. The contraceptive bill ruins your natural womanliness and libido. We should know our natural bodies better. There are brilliant apps that show when you are fertile. Take back the control of your own body!
I know this will go over most peoples heads, but if it strikes a note with one intelligent enlightened person and is lost on all you moaning minnies i'm fine with that.

Clarabumps · 11/06/2011 08:06

well done you for being so intelligent and enlightened! that was lost on me- i was too busy moaning and trying to hoover, you should write a book..

fearnelinen · 11/06/2011 08:33

Oooh yes, well done on being so intelligent and enlightened! You are very, very clever indeed and it is incredible how you have managed to solve all the marriage problems in the world in one swift paragraph. I am astounded.

meltedchocolate · 11/06/2011 08:46

I don't think this is a gender thing. I think this is a gender stereotype. I am a woman and have a very high sex drive. General touching, kissing and sex is a large way that I feel connected, I agree many men may be like this too. I think generally partners need to try and keep each other satisfied, after all, you want a monogamous relationship so you have both signed up to be the only one allowed to relieve each other. That's an ideal, life gets in the way. It is not fair to put this blame on women. BOTH partners need to make the effort. Others have said you don't need sex. I do need sex, I would feel neglected without it in a marriage.

swallowedAfly · 11/06/2011 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thumbwitch · 11/06/2011 08:51

how does it go? the plural of anecdote is not data - and one anecdote certainly doesn't make a theorem! But go ahead, write your book anyway. I'm sure other women outside of this thread would just love to be patronised dazzled by your theory.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/06/2011 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoreBeta · 11/06/2011 08:58

Clara - I'm not surprised you want to just go off to bed and read a book. Ater 13 hours with DCs I think I would need that too. Getting your husband to cook dinner instead of winding the kids up while you have an hour of peace soaking in the bath for an hour or going for a run might be a good starting point for you. Better still, just don't eat dinner. We stay slim by only eating a good lunch and then DSs have sandwiches, fruit, youghurt, etc in the evening while we just have a little bit of fruit/biscuit/cereal bar.

Poshbag - you are right about both of those 10:1 ratios. Its the trick nature played on men to ensure that when our DW/DP is ovulating we will always be ready. When I think about it, living inside a man's body has been like living inside the body of an ovulating woman every day of the last 35 years. Grin

RelaxTheCacks · 11/06/2011 09:13

Did you write this OP?

www.dailyindia.com/show/443547.php

Bloody marvelous .......how could we all be so silly? Why it's the answer to all wimmins prayers.....Hallelujah Hmm

pigletmania · 11/06/2011 09:20

Not all men are like that, you are generalising a bit and making out like men are animals ruled by primeveal tendencies. I am the one to instigate sex in our relationship, my dh would rather do without.

Clarabumps · 11/06/2011 09:38

i came across in my post last night as rather angsty..a few too many glasses of cava and had a bit of a rant.
The truth is I do think there are lots of(not every) women who feel a bit crap about the number of times they have sex with their dp. There are times when I wish I could go back to the days of having sex as a part of my daily routine but I am just so exhausted. I need to relax and wind down after the day and I like to have a chat about each others day (as I have very little adult stimulation) and when dp comes in from work he doesnt feel like talking( he's not much of a talker anyway). The point is we both have a bit of give and take here, I understand that he cant be arsed putting the effort in to get me in the mood all the time, just as I normally pass out by half nine at night.
I just dont see how productive it is to make people feel guilty about how much they don't have sex..as if women are deliberately punishing their men by not having sex..Most women do it as much as they want to..and what works for them works..

LRDTheFeministDragon · 11/06/2011 11:14

I thought usually women have more orgasms during sex because once he's had one he has to stop for a bit? Confused

No? Just me?

Dear dear.

Reality · 11/06/2011 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 11/06/2011 11:22

Great minds think alike, Reality. I'd be crude and say summat else but I'm a ladydee.