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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why some women don't have sex with their husbands enough?

327 replies

dontstopbelieving · 09/06/2011 22:14

Just from reading some threads I think some women don't realise how much a man needs sex. Totally on a different level to how we do but making that bit of effort not to think about how tired we are (I am most of the time) but just from my experience they don't want firework inducing experiences. Its just how men feel close and connected is by having sex. Shouldn't we make the effort to make the effort?

OP posts:
KSal · 10/06/2011 09:56

fearnelinen, thanks for that. You know, I would love to have that in my life, and I know its me that stops it happening. I really need to give it a go... i think it will be the initial hurdle that i will have trouble with

i basically worry about the future, as someone pointed out above, sex is part of a healthy marriage and if there is an imbalance in desire (as there is here) then i think we could head for trouble. We're currently very happy in every other way.

MoreBeta · 10/06/2011 10:05

dontstopbelieving - you are getting flamed partly because you appear to be a new poster who has only been posting a week or so and there has been a lot of trolling of late.

Your OP also leaves me and many others feeling uneasy. I am a man and like the vast vast majority of men the idea of having sex with someone who is just putting up with it and not really enjoying it just makes me shudder. It really isn't what men want at all. That said, you seem sincere and you are right that men connect emotionally through and hence feel loved through sex much more than women do. It is more important to men on average.

I suspect that, if a true survey could be done, of men and women under age 35 about 70% of men would report mild to severe disatisfaction with the amount of sex they get, 25% satisfied and 5% feeling pressured or just not wanting sex. As women have a lower sex drive on average I suspect 5% of young women would say they were disatisfied, 75% satisfied and 20% feeling pressured or not wanting sex at all. I suspect the answers you are getting reflect that distribution with few women on MN having really experienced living with a man who wants a lot less sex than they do.

As people get older, the distribution becomes more evenly balanced as men begin to suffer ill health and falling testosterone levels and women are no longer giving birth and raising young children.

jbcbj · 10/06/2011 10:07

i sort of skimmed through a lot of the replies (it's a long thread already) but one thing stood out and as I suspect that a recent thread of mine may have been one of the ones that sparked the OP's...um...OP, I thought I would reply.

"If your dh or dp is in the mood then aren't they showing how much they are attracted to you and love you."

Sadly my issue is that DH has recently stated that he does not love me (the truth or not of this is up for debate, but he believes it). He still fancies me and wants sex. So this comment is a little disingenuous.

From a personal point of view, sex tailed off a bit (not totally though but DH has a high sex drive so anything short of twice a day would probably not be enough!! Grin) due to difficult pg (sadly I am not one of those women who get all horny with pg hormones...), difficulties bfing, toddler and tiny baby, part time working...etc. I don't see this as a permanent situation - I will not have this hormonal state forever and have a fairly reasonable sex drive the rest of the time. As for other women (or men) not having sex "enough" (wtf does that mean?), I cannot answer and prefer not to judge their reasons.

fearnelinen - I love your story, and am hoping that DH and I can get back to that.

xstitch Sad - what a twunt.

jbcbj · 10/06/2011 10:08

morebeta - your post is fab.

xstitch · 10/06/2011 10:09

Good post beta. I would have thought a man would find it difficult to get an emotional connection through sex if their partner was just putting up with it rather than a willing participant. Am i right?

Thank you fearne I have a new partner now and have discovered sex can be very good indeed Wink. Although it took me a bit to get over being put off sex.

Pumpernickel10 · 10/06/2011 10:11

I agree morebeta great post

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 10:12

Yeah! Good for you stitch. I was so hoping you'd come back and say that :)

superjobeespecs · 10/06/2011 10:13

thought i'd come and brag Grin DH and i get nasty at least twice a day and we have DD age 6 and im 5 months bumped :) tho we do both have incredibly high sex drives ...Hmm

cannydoit · 10/06/2011 10:13

quick question, why do most women seem to be against having sex on their period? i have yet to meet a man that has minded when i have been on mine so guessing it mostly a womans issue, no?

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 10:15

canny 'cos it's mostly women that do the cleaning up? Hmm

cannydoit · 10/06/2011 10:17

hahaha but fear you are having sex every day for 50 days sooooooo that implys you will be having sex during your period.

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 10:19

or intimate sexual contact I know you know what I mean!! That said, I do own a few dark towels...

cannydoit · 10/06/2011 10:21

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, or just go doggy Grin

jbcbj · 10/06/2011 10:23

cannydolt - my DH is squeamish - he will not do the dirty when I have my period. Only had two in the last 3 years though...Grin

MoreBeta · 10/06/2011 10:24

stitch - yes emotional contact is extremely important and I think often misunderstood on MN. It is not just a physical thing for men.

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 10:25

There are a couple of 'blackcurrant jam' days, where nothing is going there, but that's because I don't want the mess. I wouldn't empty my mooncup onto my egyptian cotton!!! In the shower though...

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 10:26

Hahha! So happy to have descended this thread, think I may need to namechange now though! Blush

xstitch · 10/06/2011 10:28

What I mean beta is that for the emotional contact to be there the woman can't be just going through the motions she must be a willing participant. For example DP says it s turn on to feel wanted by me so I am taking from that that there is a good chance a woman just lying there and letting a man get on with it would be a turn off.

cannydoit · 10/06/2011 10:32

fear rocks

fearnelinen · 10/06/2011 10:41

Why Thank You!

FunnysInTheGarden · 10/06/2011 10:49

Incidentally, the reason that women generally have a lower sex drive is because many of us are on hormone contraceptives. In my experience this makes my sex drive almost non existant.

When I was ttc with the DS's I was a very different person and far more proactive!

I think that you have to balance that by making an effort to have sex. I know if I didn't actually think 'right, tonight lets have a shag' the thought wouldn't cross my mind from one week to the next.

cannydoit · 10/06/2011 10:57

absolutely the pill is terrible for lowering the libido

Pumpernickel10 · 10/06/2011 10:57

Before the depression our sex life was very high. Since trying new meds etc I've had no sex drive on new meds now so fingers crossed will be back there soon. As for sex on periods yes we do it but can understand some DH are queasy about it.
Did ask DH this morning though regarding this post and said would you want me to have sex with you even if I didn't want to and he said no way what decent man would. Sex is a two way thing.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/06/2011 10:57

Men are simple creatures - they get grumpy if you don't feed, flatter or fck them often enough. How much is enough? When they get grumpy *

Nail...head....hit!

Olifin · 10/06/2011 11:03

OP, I agree with other posters that your take on this is too simplistic. It is not a male vs female issue, IMO.

It is very common for long-term relationships to go through different sexual phases, including long periods where one or both parties may go off sex altogether. Unless a couple has agreed to a life or celibacy or partial-celibacy together, then it is reasonable for people to expect a sexually intimate element to their relationship. However, most reasonable people would accept that, in a lifelong relationship, there may be times when such intimacy is infrequent or non-existent. When my OH and I made marriage vows to each other, neither of us promised or expected to be able to make demands on the other re. sex.

As it happens, we have BOTH been through not-interested phases. Mine was the fairly typical post-natal, frequent BFing-induced lack of interest. My OH's was probably due to depression, lack of confidence, stress at work. It was difficult on the sexually interested partner during those times but we love each other and we have a true and solid friendship underpinning our romantic relationship so we were able to negotiate those difficult phases largely without hurting each other. We continued communicating. We talked about sex and why we weren't having any. We talked about our feelings. We were kind and patient with each other.

The more often you have sex, the more you want it, I have found. When a person goes through a phase of not having sex, they want it less and less. This is why telling people to 'make an effort' is not going to help. If you are the person suffering loss of libido, the thought of having sex may seem really scary and even a bit repellant, regardless of how much you love your partner. Being made to feel you 'should' be having sex or that 'everyone else is doing it' can make things feel 10 times worse. At a time when your self-esteem is already low, guilt trips from a partner (or society) are extremely unhelpful.

There is something to be said for 'making an effort' but not in the way I think you mean. Efforts that people can make to try to improve their sex drive might include lifestyle changes e.g. getting regular exercise, looking after their mental health, trying to decrease stress in their lives where possible. If the problem goes on for a long time then those efforts may extend to seeing a GP to discuss libido or perhaps exploring relationship counselling.

I know that my OH and I have been prepared to make those kinds of efforts in our relationship to get intimacy back on track when it is lacking. What neither of us has been prepared to do is to just jump in the sack when we don't want to. Likewise, neither of us would expect that from the other.

At present, neither of us has a problem with libido Grin