to ask how many allowances should be made for SN kids?

[PiousPrat]

DS1 is 11 and has a dx of ADHD and is undergoing investigation for Aspbergers. For the most part he adapts to the mainstream way of doing things and we have managed to find coping strategies for him that aren't disruptive for other people and don't draw attention to him unduly. He is however easily distracted, zones out a lot and processes things differently from his peers so despite seeming 'normal' for the most part, he obviously struggles with some things.

There have been a few occasions in the last year that have really riled me at the time, but looking back I wonder if I am being unreasonable in expecting other people (mainly his teachers or parents of his peers, he doesn't really encounter problems with his own age group) to give him a bit of extra time or help rather than getting wound up at him, writing him off as lazy or just excluding him from things.

As an example of the sort of thing I mean, and also the most recent; DS1 goes to scouts. The scouts go canoeing on a local stretch of water every week during the summer. We have a lift share system in place whereby one mum takes 5 of them to the canoeing, stays and brings them home as a) she is a parent helper and b) it is far enough away that it isn't worth leaving and coming home just to go back for them. In exchange for doing this, she then gets out of taking and fetching for the actual scout meetings for the whole year so it actually works out pretty even in terms of times each person takes.

DS1 can be quite slow in getting changed. He gets distracted, he sits and zones out after every piece of clothing unless he is kept on task. As a result of this, the first week they went canoeing the other 4 were waiting for him for nearly 15 minutes. I spoke to DS about it, we came up with ways he could be quicker and I tasked his brother to help in chivvying him along. Next week it took him 10 minutes longer than the others. Not great that they are kept waiting, but an improvement and a sign that he is putting some effort in. I still didn't think it very fair for the others to be kept hanging around, so I spoke to the leaders about sticking their head in the changing room if they got a chance, to remind him of what he needs to be doing and also got him a wetsuit so he only had one thing to take off, then lose and have to find again before finally stuffing it in his bag instead of a whole outfit.

Because he still came out after the others (the leaders didn't have time to pop in and hustle him along) the other mum is now refusing to take him at all. For the sake of those 10-15 minutes, he is missing out on the entire canoeing session which makes up a big part of the group bonding for his scout troup, which is his only social activity.

AIBU to think that it wouldn't kill her to cut him some slack, or perhaps knock on the changing room door herself and keep him on task? Or that the other kids having to wait a bit isn't actually the end of the world and it wouldn't do them any harm to learn a bit of tolerance?

I honestly seem to have lost all perspective on this, as i keep flitting between 'zomg my poor PFB, they are all so mean to him' and 'fair enough, he is inconveniencing other people, he should suck it up and accept it'

I have my big girl pants on, I can take it if the overall response is that I ABU about this specific example, but it also leaves me wondering how much it is reasonable to expect other people to make allowances for those with problems, especially invisible ones (assuming of course that they know about them)

So, she drives 5 children a considerable distance (as I understand it) waits whilst they do the activity, then has to hang around an extra 15 minutes after all the other children are ready before driving 5 now tired children a considerable distance home.

And some people are suggesting that you offer her suggestions on how to fill that 15 minutes. Or make her a banana loaf.

Meanwhile OP and her DH (I presume), are at home.

And you call her selfish and unreasonable. We do not know this women or her circumstances.

takeonboard... Why don't you offer your own services to your local social services department for extra activities? They're crying out for volunteer help and, as you said, it would be a mean and petty and vile who wouldn't spare some time. They'd bite your hand off.

Put your time and money where your mouth is...

Lying how do you know she does not?

I am trying to set up a group for siblings of asd kids. Not getting very far with funding sadly but trying.

many of us do.

Exit that's unfair becuase we don;t know either woman: she may not have a DH (80% marital failure rate in Sn famillies, did you know that?).

We don;t know either person;s circs. now that's a fact usually on AIBU but at elast we usually ahve one side, ehre as OP has gone we have neitehr and not enough info above the level of conjecture.

lyingWitch Not that its any of you business but I already do. And you?

My comments are about someone who is already driving the children but excluding one child for the sake of 10 minutes wait.

For the last time the other mum is not reneging on her part of the deal. She hasn't said she won't take DS2 or the other three girls one of whom must be hers but it's still dropping 3 other children back. Hardly selfish. Why is that so difficult to digest? This woman has not done anything wrong.

I haven't labelled anyone anything or presumed what the circumstances are. As many of you have done. Read my posts.

We don't know what the circumstances are but from the information given the other mum is well within her rights to say sorry I can't wait any longer. Doesn't automatically make her an evil bitch!!!!!!

I haven't said OP is wrong either in fact I have wholly avoided saying YANBU or YABU because it is a difficult situation.

BUT from the information given it does seem to me that OP herself should be doing more and not indolently relying on others. In fact she is the one not doing ANY of the lifts. She is sitting at home. While the others are all running around after her.

The volunteer mum may be honouring to the letter what she signed up for but if I knew this woman in rl I would think she was a bit of a cow not giving any leeway for child with sn to have a bit of extra time to get dressed - it's 10 mins ffs not an hour!
That is unless she has some very important business to take care of the second she returns from dropping the kids off which I think is highly unlikely as she must make some allowance for traffic delay. And if time is that tight she shouldn't have volunteered imo - what would she do if a child had a nosebleed or some other delay?
The OP has agreed with others to do her share of the local drop offs for the rest of the year which I think is more than reasonable.

Yes OP has agreed for her mum to do her share of the lifts.

Do you get DLA for your son? If so can't you use that for a taxi back for him?

That's my point, Takeonboard and Peachy, you don't know who does what here. It doesn't seem to stop you making judgements about other posters though who might have other perspectives than your own.

CAn I ask where I have made a judgement about a poster (as opposed to an argument)?

i think hanging about for an extra 15 minutes with cold tired children is too much to ask.

Really wotnochocs? Not even to give a child with sn adequate time to dress? I have to say I think that's really mean-spirited.
I am shocked at how this thread has gone tbh - I didn't think that there would be many people who would begrudge a child with sn an extra 10 mins to dress himself. I find it quite upsetting that it seems that the majority of people would.

Not quite sure why ADHD is making him take so long, especially if he can get changed for school PE quickly? I think he needs to be told if he doesn't buck his ideas up he can't go.

Well would it be the attention segment do you think wotno?

I think it might just.

And he is beinga ssessed for AS- that suggest some low level processing delays as well (common in spectrum kids) and issues with processing. Chances are that he loses track of what he should be doing quite quickly, drifts off and may also have associated motor issues.

Doubly so out of his usual environment.

wotnochocs do you have any qualifications/experience with ADHD because if not that's probably why you're not sure. I think the mother has explained it perfectly well. I would imagine he would be getting more jollying along from his teacher at school hence him managing to keep pace better.
Also I don't think that telling kids with sn to 'buck their ideas up' is generally seen to be helpful in this day and age

That's right absolve him of taking any responsibility for himself [rolls eyes] That is really going to help in the future

Quite . And we can stop funding all this one on one support for kids with sn while we're at it since they just need to be told to 'buck their ideas up' and their problems will disappear

I don't think a bit of discipline, and by that I mean consequences, would go amiss no. I don't believe in having low expectations, which then the child lives up to, does anyone any good.

And I'll ask again - what qualifications/experience do you have that you feel puts you in a better position to decide what discipline this child needs than his own mother?

As a teaching assistant i have seen that when firm boundaries, with consequences for them being crossed,are introduced, then a huge improvement occurs.

Wtf have boundaries got to do with whether a kid has got concentration issues or not - you're not going to be able to discipline them out of him!

And I strongly suspect hope you don't work with kids with sn. There is no way a child would get a consequence for taking a long time to get dressed unless they were pissing around. They would be encouraged.

Have 't read the whole thread but have to respond to wotnochocs comment. She is actually right about boundaries but they need to be meaningful to the child. For example in the infant school my son who is autistic with ADHD developed a not so charming little habit of storming out of the classroom in a huff if thwarted. The infant school allowed this and left him to settle (with an adult). The junior school are made of sterner stuff and quickly instituted consequences for this. Every time DS left the classroom he lost 1 minute of break time. Now when you consider DS's other issue is "being first in the queue at the tuck shop" it's not difficult to see how he rapidly decided that leaving the classroom was not worth the consequence.
Disclaimer - if he left through fear or distress they handled it differently but plain old "I am chucking my weight about" stuff is NOT acceptable. DS learned this rapidly and responded.

Wotno as a parent and advanced MA student i know that ADHD and ASD correds[pond to physical changes in the brain and that boundaries are in place in teh vast majority of children;s homes (also done some TA work, and home start management also)

Boundaries are essential to any child however they will not affect the physical manifestations of the disorder such as diminished attention spans and memory irregularities.

And surely everyone knows that with ASD you work on motivators rather than consequences? Kids with ASD blank out consequences, they are often meaningless: appropriate child centric rewards are far better

But pretentious just because that was the action plan for your child - and it worked - other kids are different and respond better to different methods. Of course kids with sn need to be disciplined but I don't see how joe bloggs on the internet can know what would be best based on a few paras of info.