to ask how many allowances should be made for SN kids?

[PiousPrat]

DS1 is 11 and has a dx of ADHD and is undergoing investigation for Aspbergers. For the most part he adapts to the mainstream way of doing things and we have managed to find coping strategies for him that aren't disruptive for other people and don't draw attention to him unduly. He is however easily distracted, zones out a lot and processes things differently from his peers so despite seeming 'normal' for the most part, he obviously struggles with some things.

There have been a few occasions in the last year that have really riled me at the time, but looking back I wonder if I am being unreasonable in expecting other people (mainly his teachers or parents of his peers, he doesn't really encounter problems with his own age group) to give him a bit of extra time or help rather than getting wound up at him, writing him off as lazy or just excluding him from things.

As an example of the sort of thing I mean, and also the most recent; DS1 goes to scouts. The scouts go canoeing on a local stretch of water every week during the summer. We have a lift share system in place whereby one mum takes 5 of them to the canoeing, stays and brings them home as a) she is a parent helper and b) it is far enough away that it isn't worth leaving and coming home just to go back for them. In exchange for doing this, she then gets out of taking and fetching for the actual scout meetings for the whole year so it actually works out pretty even in terms of times each person takes.

DS1 can be quite slow in getting changed. He gets distracted, he sits and zones out after every piece of clothing unless he is kept on task. As a result of this, the first week they went canoeing the other 4 were waiting for him for nearly 15 minutes. I spoke to DS about it, we came up with ways he could be quicker and I tasked his brother to help in chivvying him along. Next week it took him 10 minutes longer than the others. Not great that they are kept waiting, but an improvement and a sign that he is putting some effort in. I still didn't think it very fair for the others to be kept hanging around, so I spoke to the leaders about sticking their head in the changing room if they got a chance, to remind him of what he needs to be doing and also got him a wetsuit so he only had one thing to take off, then lose and have to find again before finally stuffing it in his bag instead of a whole outfit.

Because he still came out after the others (the leaders didn't have time to pop in and hustle him along) the other mum is now refusing to take him at all. For the sake of those 10-15 minutes, he is missing out on the entire canoeing session which makes up a big part of the group bonding for his scout troup, which is his only social activity.

AIBU to think that it wouldn't kill her to cut him some slack, or perhaps knock on the changing room door herself and keep him on task? Or that the other kids having to wait a bit isn't actually the end of the world and it wouldn't do them any harm to learn a bit of tolerance?

I honestly seem to have lost all perspective on this, as i keep flitting between 'zomg my poor PFB, they are all so mean to him' and 'fair enough, he is inconveniencing other people, he should suck it up and accept it'

I have my big girl pants on, I can take it if the overall response is that I ABU about this specific example, but it also leaves me wondering how much it is reasonable to expect other people to make allowances for those with problems, especially invisible ones (assuming of course that they know about them)

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I'm appalled that this woman has said she cannot wait an extra 10 minutes for a child with additional needs, particularly since her refusal to ferry him home most probably means he will no longer be able to participate.
Quite unbelievable too that this activity is associated with the scouts. What about demonstrating some tolerance and patience?

Sadly OP, I suspect there'll be more of this to come, with people too busy and wrapped up in themselves to spare ten minutes to make a difference

[Goblinchild]

Maybe she will push off and join the guides with her three blossoms.

[likale]

I would wait but at the end of the day its up to her and if she doesn't want to then she doesn't want to which is fair enough at the end of the day.

[mrsjuan]

Have skimmed so this has probably already been suggested but how about a compromise of OP's DS getting out 5 minutes early so if he takes 10 minutes to get changed then the other mum only has to wait 5 minutes?
Surely not too much skin off anyone's nose?

[milliemae]

Not a lot of future in discussing whether or not the other parent IBU: fact is, she feels it is an unacceptable imposition. Let's look for a practical solution.

I teach SEN & have great faith in "The Power of Mum". One possible solution:

Does DS have an iPod / MP3? If so, record a track with you chiding him every 30 secs or so to hurry up & get dressed; and get DS2 to make sure he listens to it whilst changing.

Your dulcet / strident tones caressing / berating him might enable him to get dressed within an acceptable timeframe without unduly burdenning others.

[pingu2209]

It is very sad that people don't have time time or inclination to help others, either SN or just in times of stress and need.

My DS1 had his birthday last month and was allowed to bring 5 friends to the cinema and then a meal after. He really wanted to bring a boy who has Asbergers. As my DH was taking all 6 children on his own, he told our DS that his friend could not go. My DH felt that he couldn't cope looking after 6 children, 1 with SN. However, it would have been different if there were fewer children.

I felt really sad for the boy and just can't look his mum in the face. It was my DH's call.

I'm not sure if my DH was wrong or not. Having read this thread it is 50:50 as to whether any of you would think he was wrong.

[leares]

Its up to her, if she's not prepared to wait the extra time then there is nothing you can do.

[thumbwitch]

pingu - I think it's understandable that your DH felt he couldn't cope with the boy with Asperger's on top of 5 other excitable boys (you don't say what age) ON HIS OWN - but an acceptable compromise would have been to ask if the boy's parent could accompany him and then he could have come too. That way, no extra imposition created by the child AND your DH could have coped with the 5 other boys (or not, but that's a different story).

I don't honestly think you can compare the two situations, sorry.

[heleninahandcart]

If its only that he takes a long time, I really don't see the problem in waiting for him. He comes as part of the group and if she picks up the kids, she picks up the kids. This woman is BU for expecting him not to be a little late when she knows he is struggling.

Was wondering if part of the problem is that she has girls? she may not be used to the way some boys love to mess around with changing. I note she is not complaining about wet seats from the girls . Maybe his brother could also 'race' him.

The only reason for him not to go with them is that he may be made to feel awkward by this woman/the staff.

[thumbwitch]

I have just re-read the OP for my own clarification.
This woman does the canoeing trip every week during the summer - how many weeks is that? She is there anyway as she is a parent-helper.
So far, she appears (from your post) to have only had to wait twice for your DS and is now refusing to wait for him any more. If it's only twice, then she IBU, whatever her reasons are - he improved from the first time, next time he might only have been 5 minutes and then on time, if she gave him a chance.

So, practical tips offered seem to be:

Get him some sort of timer
let him come home in the wetsuit, sitting on a towel/carrier bag, rather than changing at the site
practise getting him out of the wetsuit and into his scout uniform (?)/clothes so he gets it into his head as a practised routine

Is there no one else who could bring him home? Perhaps one of the other scout leaders? So this woman could still take him there but she wouldn't have to so-mightily inconvenience herself waiting for him at the end.

I do hope you can get this resolved so your DS doesn't have to miss out. And just to be absolutely clear, presumably this woman is still happy to take your DS2, just not slower DS1? or has she decided not to bother with either of them?

[NoelEdmondshair]

OP - yanbu.

[JackyJax]

I'm a SEN teacher with 10 years experience. I have often encountered inflexibility from others when they have to work with children with SEN. And, usually, I have found a way around it.

With this sort of situation, I would say to the other mum eg. The activity finishes at 6pm. The girls will be ready by 6:10pm and the boys will be ready by 6:25pm. Can you please give the boys and girls a lift home at 6:25pm. If you need any suggestions as to what to do with the girls for those extra 15 minutes then I'm happy to help.

Then NO ONE is waiting for your son. The lift to go home doesn't leave until 6:25pm regardless of how quickly others dress themselves. This would greatly relieve the pressure off everyone. It also lets the other woman know that she's expected to leave at 6:25pm so it helps her to plan her time better.

I would also be sure to offer lots of thanks to the mother helping me- even if I'd (or your mother- same thing) had done favours for her. I'd show how grateful I was by also doing other things eg cooking up some extra banana bread when I had the chance or just popping in to see her with some flowers from my garden, etc.

Most people are happy to help but need to get lots of thanks for it, that's ok, I understand it. Make her feel good for helping, show how grateful you are. I might also say something to the other kids about how impressed I was at how mature they were being about the situation. Then they will also be on side. Be upbeat and positive. Sometimes I feel like a cheerleader but if it gets results (ie child with SEN is included and everyone feels good about it) then I'll do a twirl any day!

[wheredidyoulastseeit]

Is the childs father around could he do some of the driving. I think you are being unfair to this woman who has her own life, is probably trying to help in her own way but dealing with a SN child every week is probably a step too far. What do you do in return for all the lifts your children get? As jackyJax says you have to return and work hard for favours.

The bottom line is if my child wants to do an activity it is my responsibility to make sure that they can do it. I am not in the position your in now, but I would'nt expect people to do more for my children than I do, and that includes learning to drive or ensuring activities are within reach, or as other posters have said finding a way to go to the activity to help him with his needs until he is independent.

[wheredidyoulastseeit]

yes caring and helpful people are nice to be around, smallwhitecat are you the op?

[Peachy]

'dealing with a SN child every week is probably a step too far'

Oh I am sorry: I know it wasn;t intended but- but weekly? I frigging wish!

I do admit soe sense of entitlement, which I slog hard to return in spades. I certainly take far less than I give, pratically and emotionally if not always financially. I contribute as much as I can to soociety so don't have huge issues with asking for something back on behalf of my disabled children. Some people give freely of course- a local family taking ds2 to the aprk every Sunday without a word of anything, their son just turns up, is amazing and has changed his life. It's the small things. besides, in a year the mum in the OP might need the allowances: anyone can. A tolerant and giving society is an investment. And sometimes life means you can't gice but 'Sorry, I can;t help becuase / I have no childcare after X time / I have to be back home for Y / whatever' smoothes things so much.

[Peachy]

SWC has a child with SN.

[shudaville]

She doesn't want to wait the additional time that your ds needs so you need to seek an alternative method of getting him to the canoeing lesson. I think she is being a little unreasonable by failing to take his SN into account but its her right to be so if she so wishes and so theres nothing you can do about it.

[cory]

a bit torn on this one

otoh I don't think we will ever get a society where disabled people can take their proper place as members of the community unless NT people get used to the idea of being slightly inconvenienced

otoh I would always be wary of letting my dcs sign up for an activity that relied entirely on favours from somebody else unless I had a system in place that enabled me to give something back

many people imho are only willing to do unrequited favours if they are no trouble or there is a serious emergency- but not on a longterm basis if it inconveniences them and they feel they are getting nothing back

I'd do what jackyjax says and go over the top on showing appreciation

[wheredidyoulastseeit]

I am caring and helpful, help in the community do favours for friends look after their kids but they are reciprocal. (not like for like a bottle of wine would be enough to make me feel appreciated) do you offer to babysit in return for all the lifts your children get for example.

[wheredidyoulastseeit]

No but she is a good friend and no doubt you have been a support and true friend to her. she is not a random women who's child happens to know yours.

[Peachy]

Although SWC it's not in this case a favour- Presume other Mum still wants her lits covered? It's a reward-action scenario.
Absolutely I would never ask another parent for favours I could not reciprocate somehow but this isn't that.

[Peachy]

this has remonded me to do something for the aprents who take ds2 out. they never said why they do it- our sons are friends anyway- but it started with dad banging on my door to complain that ds1 had threatened to stab his son (he didn;t then know ds1 had Sn so I explained- still horrid of course, I have since used that to help get DS1 lunchtime supervision, so action was taken).

Am asking ds1 to make mum and nan necklaces- he makes and sells them at school fayres to raise PTA funds and is very talented (like lining things up, only fancy ). Must remember to order the materials.