DS1 is 11 and has a dx of ADHD and is undergoing investigation for Aspbergers. For the most part he adapts to the mainstream way of doing things and we have managed to find coping strategies for him that aren't disruptive for other people and don't draw attention to him unduly. He is however easily distracted, zones out a lot and processes things differently from his peers so despite seeming 'normal' for the most part, he obviously struggles with some things.
There have been a few occasions in the last year that have really riled me at the time, but looking back I wonder if I am being unreasonable in expecting other people (mainly his teachers or parents of his peers, he doesn't really encounter problems with his own age group) to give him a bit of extra time or help rather than getting wound up at him, writing him off as lazy or just excluding him from things.
As an example of the sort of thing I mean, and also the most recent; DS1 goes to scouts. The scouts go canoeing on a local stretch of water every week during the summer. We have a lift share system in place whereby one mum takes 5 of them to the canoeing, stays and brings them home as a) she is a parent helper and b) it is far enough away that it isn't worth leaving and coming home just to go back for them. In exchange for doing this, she then gets out of taking and fetching for the actual scout meetings for the whole year so it actually works out pretty even in terms of times each person takes.
DS1 can be quite slow in getting changed. He gets distracted, he sits and zones out after every piece of clothing unless he is kept on task. As a result of this, the first week they went canoeing the other 4 were waiting for him for nearly 15 minutes. I spoke to DS about it, we came up with ways he could be quicker and I tasked his brother to help in chivvying him along. Next week it took him 10 minutes longer than the others. Not great that they are kept waiting, but an improvement and a sign that he is putting some effort in. I still didn't think it very fair for the others to be kept hanging around, so I spoke to the leaders about sticking their head in the changing room if they got a chance, to remind him of what he needs to be doing and also got him a wetsuit so he only had one thing to take off, then lose and have to find again before finally stuffing it in his bag instead of a whole outfit.
Because he still came out after the others (the leaders didn't have time to pop in and hustle him along) the other mum is now refusing to take him at all. For the sake of those 10-15 minutes, he is missing out on the entire canoeing session which makes up a big part of the group bonding for his scout troup, which is his only social activity.
AIBU to think that it wouldn't kill her to cut him some slack, or perhaps knock on the changing room door herself and keep him on task? Or that the other kids having to wait a bit isn't actually the end of the world and it wouldn't do them any harm to learn a bit of tolerance?
I honestly seem to have lost all perspective on this, as i keep flitting between 'zomg my poor PFB, they are all so mean to him' and 'fair enough, he is inconveniencing other people, he should suck it up and accept it'
I have my big girl pants on, I can take it if the overall response is that I ABU about this specific example, but it also leaves me wondering how much it is reasonable to expect other people to make allowances for those with problems, especially invisible ones (assuming of course that they know about them)
AIBU?
to ask how many allowances should be made for SN kids?
PiousPrat · 09/06/2011 14:53
Whoa I go away for one day and the thread gets huge!
Firstly, thank you all for your responses. It is always good to get the perspective of a cross section of people, to help realign my own perspective if nothing else. I would also like to say thank you for the suggestions, there were a few in there that we haven't tried so I will give them some thought on how to apply them.
I would like to clarify a few things and answer a few of the points raised, but with 8 pages of replies since I last read the thread, I'm afraid I can't remember who raised which one so please accept my apologies for not crediting who I am responding to.
The other mum is also refusing to take DS2 as well. Her reason for this is that this week, he was late out of the changing room as well. That was because he was trying to chivvy his brother on but I can see that from her POV it was just that both of them took an age. She is still expecting the lift for her daughter from the normal meetings.
I can't drive because a) I can't afford lessons or the upkeep of a car even if I passed my test and b) I have to take pain killers that I can't drive on for a chronic joint problem.
The lifts were a reciprocal arrangement, in which my responsibility was to arrange transport for one journey. I did this by arranging for my mother to do that run on my behalf.
The other mother was aware of DS1's limitations and abilities when she agreed to the lift (which was thought up by her and one of the other mums and suggested to me, I had assumed lift share would be split as it is for normal meetings) and this included her knowing of his difficulty in staying on track WRT changing.
My mother has another commitment which means she cant take, wait and collect on canoeing days. She has agreed to pick up if the other mother agrees to still take the DC to canoeing as shenwould be back in time for collection. The difference (to me, and I accept that others may see it differently) is that the other mum is already staying and helping out, something she has chosen to do herself, whereas my mother would be sitting in the car waiting. The scouts don't need the extra help from an occasional helper (we are very fortunate in having a lot of parent helpers) and she wouldn't be able to commit to helping more than once every few weeks so it isn't worth it really for the scouts to get her fully checked out and CRB'd for those odd times, so she would just be sitting for 90 minutes in the car. TBH it seems reasonable to me to say she is unprepared to do that every week. She cannot spare more than the odd occasion to help because she already runs a local Guide group and so that has to take priority over helping out with the scouts, especially as she is desperately short handed. For some reason, people are falling over themselves to help with scouts but not guides round here.
For the same reason that a leader couldn't be in the changing room to chivvy DS, nor can I. I am a woman, he is in the boys changing room. I am sure there would be a kick off if someone came here and said they had just found out that some strange woman was in the changing room with her DS when he was changing and drying himself after a water based activity. All I could do is knock on the door and shout through to hurry him along, assuming that could be heard through the cacophony that comes from a room full of hyped up 10-15 year old boys parking about and getting changed 
The other mother isn't some random stranger i barely know, she lives over the road. The 5 who go together all live within 50 yards of each other and have always lift shared for cubs etc. This mother is relatively new to the lift share as her DD didn't go to cubs.
AFAIK the issue isn't anything to do with other commitments or pressing engagements as every week so far she has spent 15 minutes standing outside talking to another of the mums whose DD goes to canoeing, before either going home or joining her for a drink.
DS2 is a year younger than his brother, so 10. He helps to a certain extent but like many siblings they also bicker so there is only so much it is reasonable to expect of him. Helping keep his brother on track where possible, yes. Making him responsible for someone else, no. He is still a child and IMO caring duties are the responsibility of adults as much as possible.
Having DS1 get out of the water even earlier than he already does wouldn't help as it isn't so much capability of dressing himself that is an issue as keeping on track with what he is meant to be doing. If he was in the changing room by himself he would just sit. If there are other people there he is more likely to click on that he is meant to be doing the same as them so cop on with it.
DS1 already takes clothes that are easy to change into, so a loose t shirt, zip up hoody and tracksuit trousers. The sort of thing you take to change into after swimming if you are in a hurry and don't care what you look like I completely agree that wetsuits can be a PITA to change out of. We started using it as he had taken too long changing out of wet trousers and tshirt so I thought that only having to take off one item might be a way of minimising how long it took. It obviously isn't working and in fact looks to be making it worse as it is unfamiliar, so if he has the opportunity to go back, we will revert to trousers and t shirt again.
The DC's dad is not on the scene. I have a DP but he lives a long way away and we only see him on odd weekends. He works during the week so is never here on the midweek canoeing days. This is why my mother steps in on occasions where a lift or an extra pair of hands is needed.
I'm not entirely sure of the relevance of what I do during the time they are at canoeing, since I have explained in previous posts that I can't either go along as well due to lack of space or to drive myself, but it has been mentioned a couple of times so as people have taken the time to reply, so I will respond. Canoeing night is the same night that I have a meeting for the fundraising committee for the local community centre I am on. That meets every 3 weeks and as we are approaching the summer which is a key time for fundraising events, isn't something i can regularly miss. Especially as the next big event is a fete which I am organising which happens in 5 weeks time. The other 2 weeks tends to be spent either catching up on study or resting as my condition dictates. Unfortunately I have to limit the amount that I do and take time out to rest up regularly or the pain gets too bad for me to continue with basic day to day tasks. With 2 DC, time to rest is obviously limited so I grab it where I can.
There are probably around 20 sessions of canoeing left in the season, but my DC will only be going for another 6 of them as we are moving out of the area at the start of the summer holidays so I guess that would be classed as a handful of sessions where DS1 could be a potential inconvenience.
Sorry if I have missed any salient points, there was a lot of discussion to take in and remember and my apologies for the random order of the points above. I typed them out as I remembered them which may well not be the order they came up in. If I have missed anything, please feel free to poke me again about them and I'll reply when I next get a chance to get online.
I totally agree with Jaspants...she's a cow.
Who the hell would refuse to give a kid a lift because he takes a bit longer getting ready.
I know that isn't enormously helpful, but I'm a bit 
that anyone could be so mean.
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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