Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

320 replies

Tile · 07/06/2011 09:24

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

OP posts:
katvond · 07/06/2011 15:27

Oh and the mighty than thou ones out there going on about the plight of these dancers, do you feel guilt when your buying your clothes from primark etc, slaves labour paid peanuts, methinks not.

katvond · 07/06/2011 15:30

Now now do you think of the sweat shops in Indian and china when you buy your clothes. It's the same thing. unless of course you buy everything fair-trade and who can afford to do that.
You need to question people morals on everything not just sex trafficing

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/06/2011 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 15:30

Oh and the mighty than thou ones out there going on about the plight of these dancers, do you feel guilt when your buying your clothes from primark etc, slaves labour paid peanuts, methinks not.

This is a very good point.

Loie159 · 07/06/2011 15:30

I would be cross if my husband didnt tell me and it was meant to be a secret "kept" from me! I am always honest with DH and he is with me, so I would be a little upset if it had delibratly been kept from me. However you have to wonder why it was kept from you???....... At Xmas my DH and his dad (who he works with) and all the staff (there are only men, not sexist just the way it is) all ended up at the Xmas party ending the night in Stringfellows. I was the only partner / wife / girlfriend who got told what had actually happended and even my FIL called the next day to remind me and DH not to tell his stepmum what had gone on.... I personally find this more worrying than someone having a lapdance. MAybe the fact that their wives would object so much make it more exciting and more "dangerous" and therefore more likely for them to visit. I am hugley undewhelmed at the thought of it. it just doesnt bother me. At the end of the day if some men with too much cash in their pocket want to believe for a few minutes / hours that the girls in those places are actually interested in THEM and not their wallets then good luck to them. Personally I cant see the appeal, but Im not a man! I think ti also depends on what you view as "cheating".... I would be more than happy for DH to go on occassion to lapdancing club, but I would be upset if he was texting and emailling a girl he fancied from school when he was younger for example. Lapdancers are not relly a threat to your relationship IMO

Capiche · 07/06/2011 15:30

Thingmummy if my teenage daughter chose to be a lapdancer I would feel I'd failed as her mother
Likewise if my sons frequented them I'd feel I'd failed them

Op YANBU

Malificence · 07/06/2011 15:31

What the fuck has enjoying sex got to do with not liking the idea of your partner paying to be turned on by other women? Confused
Are you particularly dim Kat?
I enjoy sex, a lot, my DH does too, neither of us think that lap dancing clubs are an appropriate form of entertainment.

Curryspice - Amsterdam has shut down a huge amount of the red light district directly because of trafficking, it's simply not controllable, even for a forward thinking place like Holland. There are twelve year old girls and boys on offer in Amsterdam, men don't have to go as far as Thailand to have sex with children.

mrsbiscuits · 07/06/2011 15:31

I don't think it's unreasonable to be pissed off but equally I don't think it's such a big deal either. I suppose it just depends on how you feel about this sort of thing fullstop. Having spent most of my working life in a male oriented environment where this sort of thing is common place and labelled " corporate hospitality" I suppose I just accept that it is what certain blokes do end the end of the evening. Most of the men I have worked with go to these places with clients ( it's almost expected) and the vast majority lie about where they've been to their partners. A group of them recently went to a well Known Majorcan nightspot for a long weekend ( corporate jolly) and all bar one told their wives they were going on a golfing weekend in Spain!

My DH has been to lap dancing clubs, most notably on his stag night where he got strapped to a chair and had shaving foam sprayed down his pants, but I don't feel threatened or bothered by it - but what is ok for me may not be ok for someone else.

katvond · 07/06/2011 15:33

Yes Mali I'm so dim and simple down here in the sticks :)
But not dim enough to listen anymore of your bollocks lady

VictorGollancz · 07/06/2011 15:35

katvond You've just equated slave labour with lapdancing. Which is fine, but you've done it in order to defend lapdancing. The mind boggles...

katvond · 07/06/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

katvond · 07/06/2011 15:39

I'm not a lapdancer and I don't wish to be one, the argument here is the OP getting upset over her DH having a dance.
That's the question.
Not whether lapdancing is right or wrong.
You won't ban it the same as prostitution. You'll just drive it underground.

Capiche · 07/06/2011 15:39

Kat you sound about 11

ilovedora27 · 07/06/2011 15:40

My husband never has had a private dance as we are always skint. Hes been to a strip club before and I have been lots of times as I used to work in a bar in one. It is quite a turn on to me really and same to him. I like men stripping to but some people arent in to it.

QuickLookBusy · 07/06/2011 15:40

katvond are you 12?

Malificence · 07/06/2011 15:40

I take it you've not read too many of my posts then Kat?

You've picked the wrong person for that argument dear.

CurrySpice · 07/06/2011 15:41

Like I said - I was guessing about the effect of regulation. I have never been outside the very touristy redlight district there. What the answer is, I don't know.

Like I said, the trafficking exploitation thing is a big issue

I don't think Holland is forward thinking as such and I don't think they are all into prostitutes and lapdancing and porn, any more than here. I just think they are very matter of fact about sex and treat it as any other political issue. They just don't get all purient and titivated about it in the same way as the UK establishment / press does which I think must help and lead to more sensible / useful debate and action

I just know that a lap dance wouldn't bother me from my relationship pov iykwim. If he kept it from me that would bother me more tbh

Sorry about all the abbreviations Blush

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 15:41

oh please don't start on about lube mal Wink

ilovedora27 · 07/06/2011 15:42

Also it all depends on the place I worked with lap dancers who loved it as good money for easy work. It all depends on the place so I definitely dont think all strippers are exploited. I know strippers of both genders that enjoyed it and didnt feel used.

katvond · 07/06/2011 15:42

Loie knocked the nail on the head
This being my bug bear all along, how could a dance from a lapdancer ruin your relationship? For it ruin it, it couldn't have been that strong in the 1st place

CurrySpice · 07/06/2011 15:42

katvond I agreed with your first remarks about it not bothering you but you have, to say the least, rather spoiled your argument with the name calling. Grow up

katvond · 07/06/2011 15:43

No not 12, 38 :)

VictorGollancz · 07/06/2011 15:44

I'm not arguing whether it's 'right' or 'wrong'. As other have said, I don't want my DP purchasing a woman's body in order to perpetuate a shitty working system in which women frequently pay to dance, then have their wages eroded away through a complex system of fines and penalties. It's a shit system, totally shit, and all the 'empowering' nonsense in the world won't change it or reform it.

Women are not for sale. Sex is not something that you fake for money. I can totally understand that the OP feels upset that her DP has paid into a system that says precisely those two things. I have been in open relationships in the past - if any of my partners had visited a strip club the relationship would have ended.

katvond · 07/06/2011 15:44

I was called simple and dim 1st for my comments, not very grownup either.

Malificence · 07/06/2011 15:45

Well I was going to ease into things gently with a discussion about fisting, I think I've said all that ever needs to be said on the merits of lube.

Swipe left for the next trending thread