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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

320 replies

Tile · 07/06/2011 09:24

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

OP posts:
Groovee · 07/06/2011 10:02

At least you found out within days. I asked dh after his stag do if he'd been to the lapdancing club and he said no. Fast forward 9 years down the line he then told me that he had indeed gone and then had a dance paid for him. He told me while drunk and in front of friends :-S It took a while to get back the trust as I was heartbroken that he'd lied then decided to tell me the way he did. I fought for my marriage though and warned him never to lie to me again.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 07/06/2011 10:02

lol, I would just shrug and laugh

when my OH has done this with mates I just said well as long as you didnt waste my money, im not fussed

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 10:04

Saffy85 - That's the thing, I'm not insecure about dh at all and it's still upset me. I'm 99.9% he'd never have an affair/one night stand. His dad did it to his mum so he's seen first hand the devastation it causes.

OP posts:
Gingefringe · 07/06/2011 10:06

Eggy i'm with you on the big knickers!

YANBU - I would be bloody furious but I do suspect that my husband has been to these a few times in the past although he denies it. It's not just the whole seedy/misogenistic thing but spending OUR hard earned cash in this way is just not on.

Out of interest, how much do they pay for these vile performances?

cannydoit · 07/06/2011 10:06

it wouldn't bother me tbh, have been to strip club my self and had dance, you are not allowed to touch the girls its all pretty fake and if they want to spend their money on that then its up to them. my ex went to strip clubs on stags and what not and i didnt object its pretty harmless in my opinion.

supadupapupascupa · 07/06/2011 10:07

YANBU if that's how you feel.

I'm not so bothered about lapdances as long as it's on a rare lads night out. tbh I think it's better to know about it than be lied to, and I know my DH would go anyway.

It's trust for me. I don't believe DH would ever cheat on me and trust him completely. We have a varied and very open sex life and I have no insecurities. To me it's not cheating and therefore it is entirely up to DH if he wants to do it.

Namechangedtwicenow · 07/06/2011 10:07

Changed name.

A few years back when I was 19/20 ish I had nowhere to live.Family turned back on me.Needed a job asap.Worked in various lap dancing clubs.

Hated it but loved the fact that it was very dark as I was very shy.
I do not blame you one tiny bit for not liking your DH going to these places.
I ended up living with a guy who worked as a waiter in the club(nasty person).
I was stuck in a rut and could never apply for 'normal' jobs(that I was trained in)because I felt I couldn't put this on my CV!
Anyway worked in strip clubs for 4 years.
When I first started the money was fairly easy.In this very well known club you had to stand 3 feet away as you danced,most of the time you were fully clothed until the last few seconds of songtrack.
If a man even tried to touch you they were out.If you were caught tring to gyrate/get close etc you were sacked.
Fast forward a few years I saw HUGE changes.I have worked in around 7 clubs in London.Some of the most well known ones.And I've seen awful things in ALL of them.
First of all lots more eastern european girls are there.Some are stunning,sweet,charming and will work very hard for their money.
To compete with these girls (and of course not just these-all girls)everyone goes that 'extra mile'.
If you don't get close to your customer he won't bother with you.He witnesses beautiful girls put their breasts into other mens faces/mouths.
I've seen girls rub their bare crotches up and down the men(some with their trousers undone).
The worst was a club where the 'house mother'(manager type who 'looks after the girls,takes their house fees etc)was in on a little 'secret' with a gang of hard faced girls.There was a 'secret' room upstairs for VIP customers.
If a customer took a shine to you he would book you for an hour for several hundred pounds.You'd drink the finest champagne and have a personal waiter in a private booth.
One night a customer chose me.All the girls told me you just dance and drink champers in the private booth.
That's all I did(and he was interested to book another hour!)but when I saw the other 'chosen' girls in the booths I saw one guy going down on a girl the whole time and I'm very sure one was having sex.They stayed up in that private room all night.
Also IME 90% of the customers gave me their business cards and begged to meet me.Most were married or engaged or with someone.
I had hundreds of business cards.Made me think less of men.
Anyway managed to quit that life.
I got a 'normal' career and now I'm a SAHM with two children.
My OH works in The City.I'm sure in the last few years he must have taken clients to a strip club.
I absolutely hate it OP.
So sorry for this long essay.Just wanted you to know that YANBU.I know some MN's will tell you it's nothing to worry about but in mvho it's not very nice at all.
Thanks for readingSmile

cannydoit · 07/06/2011 10:08

£20 for one at your table and £40 for a private dance but that was a while ago its probably gone up since then.

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 10:09

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but YANBU for being upset if it's something that upsets you.

It's just not a big deal IMO.

Namechangedtwicenow · 07/06/2011 10:10

*he wasn't interested to book another hour I mean!

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 07/06/2011 10:10

so everyone would be horrified if the policeman/fireman/hunky builder kissogram turned up at their mates party and invited women to rub oil on them etc etc

lol I dont think so - you would all be cheering him on and whatnot

mrsravelstein · 07/06/2011 10:12

it would be a sackable offence if dh did it... and i honestly don't think he would because he would know how furious i would be

superv1xen · 07/06/2011 10:13

YANBU. i'd go mad. in fact tbh i would possibly not be able to continue the relationship.

its as bad as cheating to me, in fact, it IS cheating, because he is being turned on by someone who isn't his partner.

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 10:14

So is porn cheating, superv1xen?

Nuttychic · 07/06/2011 10:15

No actually ooohyouare, I wouldnt be ok with that at all. I have thankfully NEVER been anywhere where people like that have turned up and if they did, I would absolutely, get up and walk out.

Shock at you honestly assuming that all woman want to rub oil on a strange man tbh

namechangedtwicenow Im really sorry you had to go through that.

thursday · 07/06/2011 10:15

no, YANBU. i'm not jealous or insecure or worried about my husbands ability to be faithful etc but i'd be gutted if he did that. i'd totally lose respect for him and find him a bit repulsive tbh if he paid a stranger to gyrate in his face. i think a lot more of him than that and so far he hasnt disappointed me.

if it was a stag do and he didn't want to let a friend down i could just about tolerate him going if he told me why beforehand, and i know he'd hate it as much as i'd be grinning and bearing any ridiculous oiled firemen at a hen do. thankfully neither of us have friends who get their rocks off that way so it hasn't come up.

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 10:16

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - Sorry I didn't make myself clear, I also don't think all the girls are trafficked but the thought that the one who was dancing for my dh and 8 friends was trafficked makes me feel quite ill.

OP posts:
cannydoit · 07/06/2011 10:16

yeah i am with oooh here have booked them for friends and they were all happily screaming away and am going on a hen doo to dream boys and there is a club called rdfs in brighton were i pay the grand sum of 5 pounds to do shots of buff mens chest and do i pay it yes i do.
name changed story is horrible but i didnt see anything like that at the club i was in (was there for moral support as my friend was going for a job) and she worked there for a while and said she always felt safe.

mrsravelstein · 07/06/2011 10:18

i've managed to get through 38 years of life without ever seeing any sort of kissogram/male stripper... i don't think dh would like it at all, especially not if i paid one to thrust his crotch in my face

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 10:19

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou - Wish I could just laugh and shrug about it! He has wasted my money as I'm a SAHM. Or at the very least he's wasted our 3 DCs money.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 07/06/2011 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapolaDeVille · 07/06/2011 10:19

TBH I would find it very difficult to forgive or forget if my DH did this....there's really no excuse.

RamblingRosa · 07/06/2011 10:20

YANBU. DP would be out on his ear if he did this.

superv1xen · 07/06/2011 10:20

toby no, porn isn't cheating IMO. but porn is not a real life, flash and blood woman dancing naked in front of someone. (and doing god knows what else as described by the ex lapdancer above)

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 10:28

Namechangedtwicenow - Sorry you had to go through all that. Thanks for posting.

OP posts: