To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

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My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest from the POV of our relationship. And it wouldn't cross his mind not to tell me. I most certainly wouldn't consider it to be cheating.

The whole trafficking / objectivication thing is quite a different argument

whatsallthehullaballoo , as someone who has actually seen what they do , I think full details / descriptions might just be a bit of a shock to those who say they wouldn't mind their partner having a dance, lots of people seem to think that the girls stay well away, dance in semi darkness and only whip their knickers off right at the next second - lets hear exactly what they do please?

It wouldn't bother me what they did mal and I'm not under any illusions about what goes on there

Could someone who doesn't mind their partner having a lap dance, tell me what is the reason for not minding?

I am seriously interested because I just don't ubderstand how you couldn't not mind.

sorry understand

it's just theatre isn't it?
So long as there was no touching, I wouldn't be too bothered tbh/ Life's too short.

Even if they are doing it to put themselves through university, how sad is that and what does it say about the value of women? "Here love, good thing you've got nice tits, whyncha get em out and make some real cash?"

I don't understand people who say they don't understand how it objectifies women. What else would you call something that can be bought and sold and made to act like you want it to? That's one of the saddest parts of it to me...it's like a little kid giving his best stickers to someone so that they'll be his friend. It's paying someone to pretend to like you! How can that be appealing?!

And I really resent this "well you must be insecure or frigid" nonsense. I'm neither. I think that the porn industry (of which stripping plays a part) is a terrible thing for women and men. At the very least, I think some of you should be more accepting of that fact that some things are not okay with others without this "oh your poor husband, you don't "allow" him to do anything" attitude.

Good post CheerfulYank.

That's fine curryspice, but lots of women do seem to be under the illusion that nothing sexual really happens and the men don't see that much.

Would it really not bother you to have your husband come home to you after a dancer has rubbed her breasts / naked vulva close to his face and given him an erection and that he'd paid for her to do it ?

Personally, I'd be sickened and repulsed, imho it's no different to visiting a prostitute.

And cheating means different things to different people! Some people are in open marriages. I am not, but do not disparage those who are. Some people can forgive a quick drunken snog. I might be able to, too, but I would consider it cheating. Some people are fine with lapdances. I am not, for a myriad of reasons, and do consider it cheating.

Thank you Coco. :)

Isn't mumsnet great because we all have different life experiences to bring to the discussion. I know two students (one medical, one law) at a redbrick university who were working as prostitutes. Of course, they don't tell their student friends this is what they're doing, but I guess it's not the sort of thing one advertises.

I would have absolutely no issue with my daughter working in a lap dancing club. Her body, her morals, her choice. There are far worse jobs out there.

People trafficking/slavery/abuse is involved in many commercial enterprises including chocolate manufacture, not just lap dancing, though I have never met a lapdancer who wasn't there by choice.

I wonder if women who pay for lapdances from women are also "women haters"?

No, I don't think so World , but I do think they've been taken in by our culture and have a "if you can't beat them you might as well join them" philosophy.

I don't think that all men who get lapdances hate women either. But I do think that they should take a long look at what actually goes on behind the scenes of the porn industry and why they think it's okay to pay someone to pretend to fancy them.

And if it's "not a big deal", surely they can just say no if they have a partner who objects to it.

Could someone who doesn't mind their partner having a lap dance, tell me what is the reason for not minding?

I don't own him. He's not having sex with her. It's just an extension of porn, IMO.

There's 3 reasons for you.

I think it awful to hear of students doing this. At the typical student age of 18-21 your still only a child really.

So you don't mind that your partner is sitting there while a woman puts her crotch in his face and rubs herself on his leg.

And he doesn't mind that the woman doing it probably thinks he's a tosser?

a child at 18-21?

Hardly.

Quick Look - I just dont mind. exactly for Toby's reasons - it's just something that honestly doesnt bother me. I mean yeah, if DH wanted to go and waste money every week I would prob object but as a once in a while thing, just doesnt bother me!

mal I've been separated from my husband for 4 years so no I wouldn't mind :o

But no, it wouldn't bother me if my DP did it because I think it's It's not personal to me iykwim - he's not doing it because I'm not sexy enough / he doesn't love me / he doesn't respect me.

To me it's about as replulsive as him getting an erection (and let's face it - do we all know every time our DP gets a hard on and why they get it?!) and having a wank.

I have always felt like this

I have just chatted to DP about this. He is Dutch and they have a much more matter-of-fact attitude to this kind of stuff anyway I guess. Plus, prostitution and lapdancing etc are regulated there and this, I think, reduces a lot of the trafficking issues (I don't know that for sure, I'm guessing and I realise that's a whole new debate!

Mrscampbell wotsitface, simple I'm not I just not niaeve like these little darlings on here. I enjoy sex, I'm not ashamed to admit it, I wouldn't give a flying fuck if DH wanted one. Why? As I trust him.
These deluded darlings don't :)

AFAIK my partner has never been to a lapdancing club. I just wouldn't care if he did.

Mali I'm waiting to be shocked by you . Hurry up now

Here here Toby I like your thinking
As I stated I'm not simple I just couldnt give a toss. I asked DH when he popped home about it, he said a women dancing infront of him doesn't really appeal. Men either like it or they don't. DH doesn't but likes watching porn.

No one here has said they dont enjoy sex.

Sex within your realtionship is a different thing all together

its nothing to do with trust. Of course I trust my DH, I wouldn't be with him if I didn't, it has ZERO to do with going to lapdancingclubs/ prostitutes (little difference IMO).

Its not about me, thats the point. Its about the entire industry, its about men using women. If you have no problem with the man you love using women, disrespecting women and themselves in the process, if you don't mind that they objectify and demean women just like you, well thats great for you.