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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

320 replies

Tile · 07/06/2011 09:24

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

OP posts:

Capiche · 07/06/2011 20:33

I would seriously doubt the validity of my relationship with any man that wanted this stuff

HerBeX · 07/06/2011 20:39

I would simply have no respect for a man who needed the power trip of buying a woman's sexual display. Because that's what it is, it's a power trip. What does it say about your DH's attitude to women? Do you have a daughter? Would he be happy for her to do this? Would he be happy for you to? Probably not, I suspect. But he's happy for someone else's daughter to do it. Horrible. I would be questioning what sort of man he was tbh.

Original poster

Tile · 08/06/2011 11:01

Sorry I disappeared. I picked the DCs up from preschool and they proceeded to be sick so I had to sort them put.

celadon - I haven't actually shown him it but I've told him the title and where to find it.

HerBeX - We have 2 DDs and I asked him how he'd feel if they did it and he said he wouldn't like it. We also have a DS and I asked how he'd feel if he frequented places like this when he was older and DH said he wouldn't be happy.

After the DCs were in bed we had a long talk about it. DH said that the trafficking side of things didn't even cross his mind.

I told him I felt betrayed that he had paid someone else to get their tits out for him to get a hard on and disgusted that he viewed a women as an object that he could buy/rent.

He didn't tell me about it, I found out, so he knew I wouldn't agree with it. He said once he'd sobered up he realised it was wrong so didn't want me to know about it.

He's very sorry about it and cried and went off to work today upset. He's only ever shown me love and respect and always treated women well before this.

I just can't believe he did it and I guess it shows that I don't really know who he is.

Sorry that's a bit 'he said/she said' but you get the gist. Thank you for all your posts.

OP posts:

Cocoflower · 08/06/2011 11:06

He sounds like he is really sorry and a good man in spite of this.

Just put it down to one stupid lapse of judgement and make it clear there will be no second chances, and if he does it again he will risk his family over 5 minutes of 'fun' to get the message across.

Then try your best to move on, your probabaly both feeling a liitle fragile right now.

He sounds genuinely sorry and thats all that matters now.

Original poster

Tile · 08/06/2011 11:07

Oh ffs *out

OP posts:

HellAtWork · 08/06/2011 13:26

Haven't read all of the thread (yet...) but not sure why Katvond is having to pick cauliflowers for a living when she knows all the lapdancing moves from her DVDs, is confident about her body and could earn a lot more stripping/dancing?

Malificence · 08/06/2011 13:37

Being drunk does not make someone behave in a way that they would not normally do, it merely amplifies what it already there under the surface.
If he can't trust himself to behave when he's had a drink, he shouldn't get drunk, it's really that simple.
Anybody so drunk that they don't know that what they are doing is wrong, has a problem.

CurrySpice · 08/06/2011 13:43

OP I think you are overthinking it tbh and all this "I don't really know who he is" is way OTT

I appreciate your feelings about the trafficking but did you tell him you thought he'd be unfaithful?

And your DCs will do lots of things in the future that you cannot imagine them for a second doing now so that's a silly argument

TallulahBetty · 08/06/2011 13:58

DH had a lapdance when he went on a lads' holiday before we were married. He told me, I did not mind at all. He also had a lapdancer/stripper on his stag do, again I was told and I saw the pictures!

I can understand why some people may not like it though if they are insecure or were not told and found out, and other reasons as mentioned in previous posts.

LindenAvery · 08/06/2011 14:18

Curry "I don't really know who he is" is way OTT

Hmmm. Dishonest? Stupid? Easily led? Thoughtless? Misogynistic?

I think that's for the OP to decide don't you?

CurrySpice · 08/06/2011 14:57

Not when she posts on AIBU asking for opinions it isn't Linden

EightiesChick · 08/06/2011 15:08

If he is genuinely sorry and realises now what a stupid thing it was to do, then IMO this is forgivable. He has to know though that if it ever happened again that it's a dealbreaker for you.
Many men are unredeemable misogynists, yes, but that doesn't mean all of them are. Some of them have stupid moments or phases but can be educated out of it. I would advise watching him carefully and being sure in yourself that he realises it must be a one-off mistake. You have said that he has always treated you and other women respectfully till now - if that's really the case then try to move on.

SkaterGrrrrl · 08/06/2011 15:33

YANBU.

Lapdancing is sexual contact - not just looking. They are degrading to women and I would be very very hurt and upset if DH ever went to one.

katvond · 08/06/2011 16:34

I came on here thinking yesterday the OP was being over the top.
Then a thread came on here lastnight regarding a film. The OP came on telling us about this film, I googled it like most people on that thread lastnight,I was so disgusted.
I can say now my lack approach before as somewhat changed.
Yes I know it was a film but for someone to have that idea sickened me.
Nothing usually shocks me but this did.

I think your Dh is truly sorry OP

MooMooFarm · 08/06/2011 16:46

Urgh. If DH paid for a lapdance I would think we had serious problems - because he knows how strongly I feel about the whole subject.

But it sounds to me as if your H really didn't think it through at the time, and does sound v sorry now. So I would say you have to let it go. Doesn't mean he shouldn't spend a bit of time/money/whatever else you want making it up to you though

CheerfulYank · 08/06/2011 17:02

I think he is truly sorry and his eyes have probably been opened.

Kat what film was it? If I haven't heard of it before I won't google it, but I may have.

CheerfulYank · 08/06/2011 17:04

OH and what MooMoo said. DH and I have had it out about lapdances too. He didn't know how I felt before, but he does now, so if he were to get one it'd be a serious breach of trust.

QuickLookBusy · 08/06/2011 21:05

Agree with EightiesChick

Hope you can sort things out with DH Tile

Pumpernickel10 · 08/06/2011 21:10

I'm with tile on this one. No way would I let my dh have a lapdance. The thought actually disgusts me. He knows my views on it. To me it would be a breach of trust.

thegruffalosma · 08/06/2011 21:33

I'd be livid! I know DH has been to a club and had a dance before we met - which he's rather ashamed of now and we have also both been present when someone hired a female stripper for my gay sisters birthday and when my friend had 2 male strippers on her 18th (they were both more comedy acts tbh) but if he did it now he knows I would go mental although I don't think he would want to now as he's grown up a lot since his teens.
He did say though that they all had to pay for a dance to get into the club - maybe it was the same for your DH.
I would say that if he knew you wouldn't like it YANBU to be mad but if he didn't then maybe YABalittleU - may also explain why he didn't mention it.
Either way though it's still rather grubby and if he got dragged into it he needs to grow some balls.

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