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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

320 replies

Tile · 07/06/2011 09:24

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

OP posts:
katvond · 07/06/2011 11:39

Angel if these women didn't want to dance they wouldn't
Next you'll be banning masterbation as that will deem to be filthy
Get a life woman you are so deluded

worldgonecrazy · 07/06/2011 11:40

cocoflower I wasn't making an assumption that every woman who has a problem with lapdancing clubs feels insecure, I was pointing out that a PP (messybessie) had said that she had insecurities about her body since giving birth and this lack of confidence/insecurity may be why some women have an issue with it and some women don't.

katvond · 07/06/2011 11:41

Angelbitch is a good name :)
Listen some women will be cool about others won't be.
I'm cool with it.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 11:45

Tbh worldgonecrazy its an assumption I have seen many times on MN since finding it a year ago, and dont like this thinking.

I can see in some cases there is insecurity perhaps; but I think for a lot of women and men who dont feel comfortable about their partner receiving sexual gratification from other people outiside their realtionship there is far more too than a simple insecurity.

katvond · 07/06/2011 11:46

Coco does that include porn too?

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 11:46

Cocoflower - I agree. I've already said upthread that I'm not the jealous type. I actually feel sorry for those girls, not jealousy.

Betty - Going somewhere and actually paying to see some tits is a bit different to having a sneaky peek on the beach!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelbitchfromhell · 07/06/2011 11:47

Well I may be delusional but that's neither here nor there Wink

I would never ban masturbation...like I said I'm single Grin

Some of these women are trafficked, not everyone chooses to do it voluntarily. Personally I can't respect a man who thinks it's okay to objectify women like this but you're right some are cool with it others aren't. I'm one of the ones who isn't.

Malificence · 07/06/2011 11:49

If a man paid for a woman to come to his house / office, take her clothes off and rub herself all over him then it would be classed as prostitution, I don't see the difference between doing it in private or in a club, it's still paying for a sexual act - it's vile and pathetic.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 11:52

Katvond if a couple have mutally agreed to use porn as part of their realtionship and both genuinley are agreeable that is fine.
If the above does not apply it then this causes far too many hurts and damages.

Everyone has different levels of what they are comfortable with and what they aren't but we cant lable anyone just because we are not of the same mentailty as them.

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 11:52

Katvond - You think all the girls dancing want to be there?! You obviously not read any of namechangedtwicenow posts.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 07/06/2011 11:55

What will you do then OP? Leave him?

I can't see that arguing over lapdancing clubs on a forum will help your pissedoffness with your husband.

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 11:58

And yes it would be over Katvond because he now knows it's something I don't agree with. So if he did it again, why would I want to be with him?

You may be ok with your partner paying for a lapdance but I'm not!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 07/06/2011 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katvond · 07/06/2011 12:01

Tile i sometimes pick cauliflowers for a living I don't want to be there but pays the bills same as these girls.

katvond · 07/06/2011 12:03

I couldn't care less if I'm honest

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/06/2011 12:04

Yes suppose getting a peak on the beach is different - at least the lap dancers get paid for it!

I imagine the girls work at these clubs coz the money is good..........same reason I sit in my office every day!

messybessie · 07/06/2011 12:05

katvond, I seriously suggest you find out more about it before making such sweeping judgements. Do you know anything about trafficking? How it works or what women are made to do?

That is my main objection to it, to be honest. OK, many of them might be middle class students looking for some extra cash but you can be guaranteed that some of them will be there by force, with their passports confiscated and their children's lives threatened. I don't want my DH funding that, however secure or insecure I am.

AngelbitchtheChaoticone · 07/06/2011 12:06

Not all are there to pay the bills though.

The money probably is good if you're willing to do the extras.

B52s · 07/06/2011 12:06

It wouldn't bother me if my DH did it.

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 12:06

Thingumy - No it won't help will it. But I feel better for venting on here, I don't want to talk about it to anyone in RL.

OP posts:
messybessie · 07/06/2011 12:11

Katvond, start with this

I know you think you're being all liberated and what not - but really you're not.

Tile, I would also print it out for your husband too!

"

  1. Physical and sexual violence and assault against women are common in lap dancing clubs: Researcher Kelly Holsopple, who herself worked in stripping for thirteen years, conducted a study into women?s experiences of violence in strip clubs . She found 100 per cent of the women she surveyed had experienced physical abuse while working in a lap dancing club, which variously included being bitten, slapped, pinched, or punched. All of the women had also been sexually assaulted in clubs. This ranged from having their breasts grabbed to men attempting and succeeding to penetrate them vaginally with fingers and even bottles. Every woman had been verbally harassed. The women surveyed also reported that almost all of the perpetrators suffered no consequences for these behaviours."

Further research shows that strip clubs increase demand for nearby on-street and off-street prostitution services , with a clear link between increased demand for the buying of sex and women and children being trafficked in order to meet this demand .

More directly, anti-trafficking and prostitution organisations in the UK have been highlighting the issue that lap dancing clubs are used by traffickers to ?hide? women trafficked into prostitution, or to bribe them for good behaviour since :
?Her pimp would tell her that if she was less ?difficult?, he would take her to a lap dancing club in Haringey instead. He still expected her to sell sex in the lap dancing club... she believes that there was no doubt that the owner of the club was fully aware that prostitution was taking place in his premises.?

MrsClown · 07/06/2011 12:13

I would be really annoyed to put it mildly.

Does he have a daughter, sister, mother, auntie. Ask him if he would be as happy to do it if it was a relative of his. Remind him, those women are someone's daughter, sister etc. I would ask him how much respect he has for women in general and you also. His stuff would be in the front garden (cut up!) if he was my husband. I would not appreciate it if my husband paid into the sex trade, that is what it is. They are SEVs (SEXUAL ENTERTAINMENT VENUES) now.

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 12:14

maybe you should just talk shout to your dh about your disgust.

It wouldn't bother me ,I know dh has been to these sort of clubs in various countries when he was single and with his work colleagues.

I don't think he would even dream of visiting one now as he doesn't mix with the work colleagues.

I know someone who called their wife to be on a stag do saying he'd run out of money in a 'famous' lapclub in London and she paid the bill so the bouncers would let the group leave-Shock

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 12:15

messybessie - That's my main objection too and I feel sick that my dh has contributed to it.

OP posts:
messybessie · 07/06/2011 12:19

Well then you really need to spell that out to him. Seriously.

Wive's objections are often dismissed as insecurity or nagging or being a kill joy, but actually he is participating in and funding a violent slavery trade, often directly involving children or the threat of harm to children.

it is NOT a bit of harmless fun.