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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

320 replies

Tile · 07/06/2011 09:24

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 12:20

Mrsclown - Yes he has 2 x DDs and other female relatives.

Thingumy - Where have I shouted about it? I'm posting in AIBU to see if I am and most people think I'm not.

OP posts:
Stangirl · 07/06/2011 12:23

YANBU My DP went to 2 lapdancing clubs for stag nights before I met him and said he thought the girls were gorgeous (I have no problem with that) but thought the whole "private dance" thing was very dodgy - he refused to have one. I have explained that if he ever went to one again I would consider it a dealbreaker and he accepts that and has promised to never go to one again. I am very sorry you are in this position - men can be complete twats sometimes.

MrsBethel · 07/06/2011 12:27

People advocating overreacting: if you want a dh who keeps secrets, then way to go.

He shouldn't have done it. You're pissed off. What he did is enough to be pissed off with, without making out he's responsible for crimes committed by others. Should lapdance clubs be illegal? Should you start blaming him that they are legal?

katvond · 07/06/2011 12:30

Oh messybessie please.
Did you Copy and paste that from google dear?

Again I don't care. I enjoy being a slut in the bedroom and I've lapdanced for him and before some loon comes on here my DD was at nanny and granddads but I've had sex whilst she's been in her bed asleep.
Burn me in fucking hell!!!

Happy divorcing ladies :)

I shall now do a thread AIBU my husband left the loo seat up

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/06/2011 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 07/06/2011 12:35

He shouldn't have done it. You're pissed off. What he did is enough to be pissed off with, without making out he's responsible for crimes committed by others. Should lapdance clubs be illegal? Should you start blaming him that they are legal?

Exactly!

Why do so many women post about this stuff or finding their DH's looking at porn and claim they're upset because of the 'traffiking' and all that stuff...particularly when no-one knows the girl's situation or how they just might enjoy their work.

Why not just be pissed of your DH paid another woman to give him a hard on?

yousankmybattleship · 07/06/2011 12:40

I'd be a bit worried about how much money he'd spent but otherwise fine with it. Lots of people do silly things on a night out - no big deal!

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 12:41

and who are we to say he was physically turned on by the 'experience'?

RitaMorgan · 07/06/2011 12:41

I would be pissed off because it is grubby, distasteful and misogynistic. I'd be less upset if DP had drunkenly snogged some girl at a party.

BulletWithAName · 07/06/2011 12:43

Why not just be pissed of your DH paid another woman to give him a hard on?

This is exactly what I'd be pissed off about. I don't even think of the trafficking side of things tbh.

PeterSpanswick · 07/06/2011 12:50

YANBU OP, I'm glad that you have standards for your relationship and don't mindlessly accept the shoddy treatment others here seem happy to put up with. You are not the one who is misguided; this is not how men should act.

QuickLookBusy · 07/06/2011 12:51

My DH has left corporate "entertainment" evenings in the past, because after a nice meal the next stop is one of these clubs.

He has no interest whatsoever and I couldn't live with anyone who did.

MrsBethel · 07/06/2011 12:57

"By financially supporting these, he is continuing the violence against women that put us in this position to begin with."

To some extent, I think that's probably true. He is facilitating the perpetuation of an environment where these acts are more likely. So he has some responsibility. How pissed off would you be at a relative who voted to re-elect your incumbent local councillors? For this specific aspect of his mis-deed, that is a reasonable level of pissed-off-ness.

The persional side of it would piss me off more.

Malificence · 07/06/2011 13:13

Katvond, another idiot who thinks that being against lap dancing and porn means that a woman is repressed and frigid - that is always the argument of those without a fucking clue.

"Happy divorcing ladies" Hmm - how about you come back when you've been married as long as I have, then we'll see who's divorced. Wink

RevoltingPeasant · 07/06/2011 13:20

yy Malificence

Kat don't you see that what you choose to do with your DH in the privacy of your bedroom is a thousand miles away from some trafficked girl in grimy joint in Leeds?? Seriously?

The point is not the act of lapdancing per se, it's that someone's DH is paying another woman to gratify him sexually AND supporting an industry which does abuse a lot of women who work in it (if not all of them).

You keep saying you don't care... well great for you... if it were your little sister maybe you might....

maxomummy · 07/06/2011 13:25

YANBU! I made it really clear to my DH before we were married that I wouldn't put up with any of that sort of crap in spite of the pressure he got from his brother/cousin/mates at the time (which was a lot Angry). He never has (to my knowledge) and he knows it would be a deal breaker for me.

Malificence · 07/06/2011 13:33

I couldn't respect a man who would pay for a private dance ( or who would accept one paid for him) , it's not just the mysogyinstic aspect of it, it's also the sheer stupidity of spending large amounts of cash on a woman who is utterly uninterested in him / not attracted to him in any way , is only interested in emptying his wallet (and probably thinks he's a sad loser to boot ) .

A man who would pay for a lap dance doesn't really like women at all.

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 13:41

You are not the one who is misguided; this is not how men should act.

I for one am really fucking glad that my partner does not behave according to some made-up rule book entitled 'how men should act'.

Imagine the outcry if someone dared to suggest that going on a hen night is "not how women should act".

Malificence · 07/06/2011 13:46

Tobylerone, I don't think that women should act appallingly on hen nights any more than I think men should on stag nights.

FYI - Decent men who respect women don't have lap dances, just so you know. Wink That's how real men act.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/06/2011 13:51

Katvond - are you a bit simple [tilts head sympathetically]

Many of us are liberated etc and trust our DHs and for me thats not the reason I find lap-dancing clubs repulsive - its because of all the reasons messybessie outlined.

But I expect you believe that all prostitutes love their jobs too and chose to do them out of their own free will?

I would not be happy if DH did that either - and I would look at him differently.

Cocoflower · 07/06/2011 13:55

A genuine question to all those who have no qualms with with lap dancing...

Would it be ok if it was your daughter doing the lapdancing in years to come?

Malificence · 07/06/2011 14:01

Coco, I'd hazard a guess that they don't have older daughters and so it simply doesn't occur to them yet - give it time. Wink
Wait until their DD's are 18/19 and then see if they are so cool with their husbands watching strippers.

harpfairy · 07/06/2011 14:04

I don't like lapdancing either but do find it odd that people would end a marriage over it (I assume that's what "dealbreaker" means). It warrants the doghouse, but not serving divorce papers, surely!

Thingumy · 07/06/2011 14:06

at 18/19 it would be my daughter's choice if she wanted to lapdance as she would be adult.

(and I do have a teenage daughter)

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 14:06

Malificence, you can shove your winky face. Your definition of anything is not necessarily anyone else's. In your opinion, there is a way 'real' men act. This may or may not be the same as mine. But I don't need you to tell me how anyone else should behave. I can work that out for myself.

Decent people don't state their opinions as though they are fact, followed by a patronising winky face.