To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

[Tile]

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

Nuttychic - Don't worry, he now knows loud and clear my views on the subject! If he does it again we will no longer be married.

CheerfulYank - He's now very remorseful and is upset that he's devestated me so much. But he was happy having the dance so even though he's now sorry, does that make it ok? I wish I'd never found put to be honest!

*out

I think it's good that it's happened even though I know you're devastated. Now the lines are drawn clearly, so to speak.

My DH went to a lap dancing club for his stag night......I arranged it for him and personally couldnt care less whether he had a lap dance or not.

I've had this issue. The whole 'my friends made me, I didn't enjoy it' is just so weak and pathetic that it's even worse in my opinion.

My husband just didn't get why I was so angry, I told him I considered it a form of cheating - which he didn't understand at all.

However, we had a less emotional conversation about it later on and I explained it thus ....
I am now married with 2 children, quite knackered and my body is not the beacon of sexual pleasure it once was given that it has served its purpose of having children. He obviously misses this aspect of our lives, now that grown up responsibilities and age have taken over. The fact that my husband needs to go out and pay someone to perform this function and received pleasure from it is terribly insulting.

However, DH works long hours, he's often grumpy, slumped in front of the TV, we rarely go out because it's not practical (due to our children) and life takes over. I don't get the emotional attention that I would like, or that I got when we were together. Therefore, my equivalent would be to go out with friends and pay a man to talk to me, complement me, ask me about my day, maye buy me dinner and do nothing but tell me how beautiful and funny I am.

I challenged DH that he shouldn't mind this as no actual sexual activity had taken place and he would only be fulfilling some kind of 'comic book fantasy'.

I told him if he ever did it again, that is exactly what I would do.

He got the point.

YANBU. I'd be really upset about this. I'd have no problem with DH going to a strip club if it wasn't his decision - say for a friend's stag do. But I would expect him not to pay for a dance himself! You need to have a really good talk with him about this. Big hug to you sweetie x

To all the people who are ok with it sometimes (real question):

Why are you with it under some circumstances and not ok under others. If you are ok with your OH enjoying getting off on a naked woman dancing in front of him, then how can you not be all the time?

Is it because when he is with his friends, he cant possibly say no because of the peer pressure, ego thing and saving face in front of the mates? And does this logic only apply to lapdancing or all things where males and their mates are involved? Or is it because you (the partner) want some kind of control over when/where, etc?

YABVU
It wouldn't bother me in the slightest I'd probably laugh my head off if he did. It's all down to jealousy and it's something I don't suffer with it's not like he fucked her is it, she simply danced and got her tits out.
OP is your DH allowed to watch porn and have a wank when your not in the mood or would you deem that being u faithful

Why are you with it under some circumstances and not ok under others. If you are ok with your OH enjoying getting off on a naked woman dancing in front of him, then how can you not be all the time?

what do you mean? like in tesco? or the library?

if women want to do that, more fool them, wouldnt phase me or threaten my marriage whatsoever

Nutty I live in deepest Cornwall chances of it happening is zero. But DH does watch porn and I really couldn't care. It's not like he's running off with them.
And having a quick wing Wang over them pure fantasy. Am I jealous. Am I fuck!

Thats cause nutty our marriage is solid.
No games, no jealousy, no fights.
I don't need to tap his phone, I know where he is, either at home, working or biking. It's a big thing called TRUST

I am ok with it because its a lap dancing club, thats what happens!!!!! I have no problem with DH looking at someone elses boobs, we have just had a week on holiday and believe me there were plenty of boobs for him to look at there....just as there were plenty of nice pecs for me to look at. Not saying that we go round eying everyone up but if he has a sneaky look, so what!!!! Personally, any bloke that says he is not interested, doesnt look etc etc....well, I dont trust them, lol, they are prob lying!

It just doesnt bother me....DH loves me, I trust him, he aint gonna run off with a lap dancer and its just a bit of fun. I cant be doing with all this degrading to women lark - they are consenting adults getting paid a nice salary and if its a reputable club they are perfectly safe.

nuttychic try none of the above. I have absolutely no issue with whatever women my man chooses his 'getting off' too. I am the woman he has chosen to be married to for the rest of his life, and I am the woman he comes home to each night. His admiring other women, or finding them sexually attractive is not a threat to our relationship in any way, any more than me thinking 'phwoar' when I see the Chanel aftershave adverts, or had my head turned by the half-naked men advertising fake-bake tan who were walking through Selfridges last week.

I wonder if, looking at messybessie's post there is a confidence/insecurity issue that some women have and others don't? I have a 'teach yourself' lapdancing DVD and used to do private dances for OH at home - must dust it off as we have a weekend to ourselves coming up soon.

Having said that, if a man who is in a relationship chooses to go to these clubs regularly for sexual gratification, that would not say much for the state of the relationship anyway.

Apologies for the thread hijack.

Therefore, my equivalent would be to go out with friends and pay a man to talk to me, complement me, ask me about my day, maye buy me dinner and do nothing but tell me how beautiful and funny I am.

if you are foolish enough to waste your money on that, that wouldnt phase me either. I would however question myself as to what my partner was lacking , that they werent getting in the relationship to make them want to do that

If you feel your husband doesnt provide all those things anyway, you have problems anyway, without worrying about lapdancing clubs

Tile get real! If he does it again our marriage is over, fucking hell did he fuck her then? No so stop being silly and grow some.

too many anyways there :)

I don't get all this it's okay to do it when with mates/on a stag due to peer pressure Would it be okay for a DH/P to use a prostitute while on a stag because that's what (some of) his mates did?

It just doesnt bother me....DH loves me, I trust him, he aint gonna run off with a lap dancer and its just a bit of fun. I cant be doing with all this degrading to women lark - they are consenting adults getting paid a nice salary and if its a reputable club they are perfectly safe.

this ^

World I guess it's defo insecurities
Me I've none I'm happy in myself how I look etc and I for one know he'd be unfaithful. My confidence may seem arrogant to some but to me it works.

Nothing to do with confidence on my part, I'm single atm. I object to lapdancing clubs because they objectify women.

Angelbitch a lapdance is not a fucking hooker. You are deluded love google lap dance google hooker they are sooooo different.

I really despise the assumption any woman who doesnt like porn/ lapdancing/ etc in their realtionships must be insecure.

I doubt this is the case at all for many women.

Katvond - Why would I be jealous of someone who is having to dance to and pretend she fancies a man that she doesn't? I know he didn't fuck her. Actually, I tell him to have a wank if I'm not in the mood!!

My post was about the peer pressure that some pp's mentioned, not the actual activity. I suppose I could have used webcam girls as an alternative.

Btw love the Angelbitch