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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that dh had a lapdance?

320 replies

Tile · 07/06/2011 09:24

My dh went out with friends at the weekend and I found out that they'd been to a lapdancing club and paid to have a dance. They took it in turns for this girl to 'perform' for them.

To me, having someone gyrating in your face (who is not your partner!) is as bad as sending someone a dirty text.

Strip/lapdancing clubs never used to bother me that much until I saw a documentary a few years ago about girls that are trafficked and end up in places like these with men perving over them.

AIBU to be upset he went to one of these clubs let alone paid to have a dance?

OP posts:
Threelittleducks · 07/06/2011 10:28

Actually, I don't like that aspect either oohyouare.

Wrong on both accounts. YANBU OP.

I would feel as though he had cheated too.
Not sure why paying someone in a 'business' setting and being public about getting a dance or whatever else is any better than enjoying a dance with some random in a pub/club.
The fact that a man goes looking for it is worse and just a bit skewed.

I'm not too hot on the fact that other women think it's acceptable either. Like it's some kind of male right.
Can't imagine patting dh on the back and saying 'ooh hope you had fun at the strip club last night you man you' and gazing all lovingly at him, because he's one of the ladz.

MrsBethel · 07/06/2011 10:29

YANBU.

Don't let it get you down, though. If he went on his own I'd be bloody livid. But he didn't. He was just too weak to stand up and be different from his mates.

'Pissed off' sounds about right for this sort of infraction. God, they can be pathetic.

SardineQueen · 07/06/2011 10:30

YANBU

Too many problems with this to make it just something you can shrug off.

JanMorrow · 07/06/2011 10:30

I've been to lapdancing clubs (well, stringfellows and spearmint rhino, so "high end" type ones).

I wouldn't be pissed off if my boyfriend went to a lapdancing club as part of a stag night or something and then told me about it. I would be a bit miffed if he paid for a private dance but wouldn't make an issue over it because it would have been a spur of the moment "pack" like thing so would be understandable.

I would be more pissed off if they just went to a lapdancing club a) secretly, and b) for no particular reason (ie not for a stag) as that's a bit more concerning, especially the secrecy aspect of it.. so ultimately, YANBU!

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 10:32

No I don't think porn is cheating as the girls/guys aren't doing it personally for you are they? Whereas with lapdancing/texting someone you're actively engaging with someone for sexual gratification (I think thats the right word!) aren't you?

OP posts:
VictorGollancz · 07/06/2011 10:33

StewieGriffinsMom 'I think its a vile, disgusting misogynistic abuse of women. If DH ever got a lap dance, I think it would be the end of our relationship. I want to be with a man who respects women not one who thinks its okay to pay to have a woman dance naked for them.'

Couldn't agree more.

springbokscantjump · 07/06/2011 10:35

YANBU. I would be furious. I don't care if DH goes to a strip club. I massively care if he has a lap dance. It's just so very eeugh. Namechange's experience exemplifies why and I'm sorry she had to go through that just because some men are disgusting misogynists.

Would I rub oil over some strangers body? Hell no. And I'd be furious at the person who thought it would be a grand experience and paid for it.

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 10:37

Whereas with lapdancing/texting someone you're actively engaging with someone for sexual gratification (I think thats the right word!) aren't you?

I just don't see it as any different, really. In neither case are you touching the person. You are physically distanced from them. There is a difference, though, between a dance in a strip club on a stag night and the sleazy men the ex-dancer was talking about above.

maddy68 · 07/06/2011 10:37

wouldnt bother me in the slightest - its only the same as a 'ladies night' with strippers - just harmless fun

CheerfulYank · 07/06/2011 10:38

Toby in a lapdance the person is being touched.

LouMacca · 07/06/2011 10:38

Nuttychic - 'YANBU I would be furious if my DH went to a strip club never mind having a lapdance! It is a deal breaker for me and that was made very clear to him within the first few months of meeting him.

I find it insulting, disgusting and I would question his view on woman! I have never and would never even date a man who views this kind of stuff OK.'

Completely agree with you Nuttychic

Hullygully · 07/06/2011 10:39

I wouldn't be married to someone who had lap dances.

TobyLerone · 07/06/2011 10:40

Toby in a lapdance the person is being touched.

Not always (pedantic definitions of 'lapdance' notwithstanding). Many clubs have very strict rules about touching the dancers. As namechanged said, in hers the distance had to be 3 feet.

worldgonecrazy · 07/06/2011 10:41

I agree with Janmorrow's comments.

As part of a stag night/male bonding rubbishy thing then I would not have a problem with it. I have no issue with women choosing to make money this way, I know that several of the local clubs have medical students paying their way through university by dancing a couple of nights a wee.

If it was a regular event and a man was going alone then I would be more concerned.

However, I think that you are looking for MNers to support you and say YANBU rather than a YABUs.

SardineQueen · 07/06/2011 10:41

I didn't know that men were being trafficked into the country to work as strippers Shock

Violet5 · 07/06/2011 10:41

YANBU

My husband knows if he ever went in one of those places not to bother coming home because if i ever found out his bags would be packed (most of us have dealbreakers i think, thats one of ours despite some people thinking it silly). I disagree with lapdancing,page3, Hooters etc from all stand points.

We're not the going out in groups sorts of people anyway though,the husband and me, we live like pensioners Blush but very happy ones Smile

CheerfulYank · 07/06/2011 10:44

Maybe it's different here, Toby, but any lapdance I've ever see has definitely had grinding, etc. (Not that I've seen many; a friend of mine was a stripper and she begged us to come see her work. Boak!)

teraspawn · 07/06/2011 10:46

I'm in an open relationship but I'd be upset and confused if my DP went to a strip club.

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 10:53

He's not one of the 'ladz' though and never tried to be. He's always treated me with love and respect and gone beyond his 'call of duty'.

I think that's why I'm so devastated, he's completely shattered my view of him and has fallen off his pedestal with a mighty bump.

CheerfulYank - He said you weren't allowed to touch them. You had to go through a curtain to a separate area for a lapdance so I can only take his word for it. God, it sounds so seedy.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 07/06/2011 10:56

YANBU

so a man can not make his own mind up when he is with his friends what utter rubbish that is an excuse that men have made up to use an an excuse time and time again when it suits.

i think its steps over a line that i personally would not be happy with (and in the past was not happy). its sad that its become acceptable entertainment

Nuttychic · 07/06/2011 10:57

Tile, maybe you need to have a chat to him and let him know how you feel about it. Since he has always treated you well and with respect, maybe he really didnt know how you felt. It seems some woman are ok with it and maybe he just assumed you were one of them.

I would think if you let him know very clearly, he would respect you enough not to do it again. (Well I hope he would)

CheerfulYank · 07/06/2011 10:58

In the lapdances I've heard of/seen the men are not allowed to touch the dancers (with their hands) but the dancers certainly touch them! But I think it varies widely depending on the club.

What is he saying now?

Namechangedtwicenow · 07/06/2011 11:00

Thanks tile and nuttychicSmile

I don't know if my OH goes to these places.I know he did in the past.He thinks there's nothing wrong with lap dancing clubs and I can hardly tell him they're wrong when I worked in some myself.

I don't think he would hardly be rushing home to tell me that he's just had a dance!Most of my customers would tell me that their wives didn't know they were there.
IME I don't think some of these men think they're doing anything wrong.
Also I've seen some younger family men out with their bosses of banks and all sorts at company meetings fuelled with drink and they feel they have to have a dance if they've been bought one.They almost can't refuse.

Original poster
Tile · 07/06/2011 11:00

Janmorrow and worldgonecrazy - I dont think it's acceptable even as part of a stag/male bonding. Depending on the occasion doesn't change the fact that it's wrong IMHO.

OP posts:
mycatoscar · 07/06/2011 11:06

YANBU

And I can completely understand the feeling that you have about "he's completely shattered my view of him and has fallen off his pedestal with a mighty bump."

If my dh did what yours has then I would be really really shocked and dissapointed. I don't think I would want to be with him anymore. To do something that you know would really upset your partner just becasue you want your mates to respect you is crap and disrespectful IMO.

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