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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
Thingumy · 08/06/2011 20:08

this is not about your experience though green.

It's the op thread and until she feels the need to update if she so wishes,what is the point of 'ifs and 'buts'?

It just gives her dross to read through before posting imo.

Lizzylou · 08/06/2011 20:14

MumblingRagDoll has it.
This is not a fucking soap opera, I am sure that the Op has far more on her mind than racing back here to provide the next instalment.
Especially as it has now degenerated into the "who has the most trustworthy DH" awards.

FGS, some people are only checking this thread as they are concerned that Morewine is OK, whatever has happened.

Can we just leave the conjecture/one upmanship and bickering now?

PercyPigPie · 08/06/2011 20:14

HumblingRagDoll - so why are YOU posting then?

Green - that's great if that is how your marriage works, but I guess there is something about the way they were/the looks on their faces that told OP something. If I walked in on my DH, I wouldn't assume the worst, but if he looked shifty/guilty etc then I would. Plus, OP's DH hasn't flippin contacted her to explain it away - what more evidence do you want?

PercyPigPie · 08/06/2011 20:15

I would suspect it was an either very new or quite old relationship for them to be sitting drinking wine at 11pm - I so hope for the OP's sake that it is the former.

PatriciatheStripper · 08/06/2011 20:20

OP's DH hasn't flippin contacted her to explain it away - what more evidence do you want?

How do you know? the last post from OP was less than 24 hours after the incident. Not much time at all, although it seems like longer.

MumblingRagDoll · 08/06/2011 20:25

Mudandmayhem & Lostidentity I am posting to try to keep this thread empty...FOR THE OP! I keep seeing people updating sticking their noses in and it's clogging up the effing thread!

I won't post again after this. Why dont people talk about this somewhere else?

hugglymugly · 08/06/2011 20:28

greenstocking - as you say, "that is MY marriage and no one else's". But this thread is about the OP's marriage, neither yours nor mine. Thinking that we can only go by our own experiences could mean not understanding that other people's lives are different from ours. The fact that you wouldn't have had suspicions about your husband says nothing about the fact that OP did about hers.

GypsyMoth · 08/06/2011 20:29

posting police??? lol

passiveaggresive · 08/06/2011 20:30

fucking hell - just, fucking hell

Greenstocking · 08/06/2011 20:34

Huggly.

I was responding to the poster who questioned that maybe the OP was mistaken and I was saying his subsequent behaviour shows she wasn't , regardless of her thoughts or suspicions on walking in on them.

As it happens, I have no doubt that the OP's initial thoughts were correct - after all, she knows him.

glitteryturd · 08/06/2011 20:39

Just a message for the OP. I know you are raw right now but I just wanted to offer you some support from a different angle. I caught my DH cheating and we survived it. So if this does turn out to be what your gut told you but you want to move forward from it, with a lot of support and working together you can do. I am not saying cheating is right, far from it, it destroyed me. But we are all human and some make bigger mistakes than others.

However, it does depend on your marriage and circumstances I know but the pain of pulling my family apart without trying to work through the issue was far worse for me than dealing with what he had done and working out why. You must do as you feel best. If you can never, ever see a way then kick the nob rash to the curb. If there is the tiniest bit of hope, hold onto it and work with it. My husband had a compulsive disorder and he went into counselling without which he would never have known about it and would never have broken free from it. Some people may say it was an excuse, but the fact I know hand on heart my DH with never cheat again tells me that sometimes, it is not always the end. And just about the disappearing thing, my DH did the same. He was found later on the motorway services attempting suicide and unable to speak or even look at me for the shame that I knew what he had done.

So whatever you decide, stay strong and AWAYS put your lippy on!

shreddinghippo · 08/06/2011 20:41

Morewine Just want to say, I too have followed this thread and would like to offer my support to you at this trying time.
I cant imagine how it must have felt for you to experience this, and I hope last night and today has held some answers for you.

At risk of 'clogging up' the thread, I just want you to know there is one more lady here thinking of you.

smallsheep · 08/06/2011 20:42

Gosh I feel bad posting now, I came on to see how Morewine was bearing up, and agree with the last few of you, poor love, If I was her I would come no where near here now! all the gossip mongering going on. I had said I wish I had found the support on MN when I was in a simelar-ish situation, but now wonder, go off and watch a soap this is someone's life!

BobbaFettBountyHunter · 08/06/2011 21:13

It's really annoying when this jumps up the page and it's not morewine, I hope you're ok.

Lovedmyheyday · 08/06/2011 22:01

moretea Just curious as to why you didn't phone your OH to tell him that you were about to embark on a four hour journey home. You were supposed to be staying in a hotel? Did you already suspect him of something?
He's behaving in a most callous way,after the incident. As if it's not new.

PercyPigPie · 08/06/2011 22:01

glitteryturd (love your name) - good post

Lovedmyheyday · 08/06/2011 22:05

Wine

culturemulcher · 08/06/2011 22:17

portofino and especially glitteryturd well worth saying.

It might just be that OP is trying to work through this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/06/2011 22:57

I've been following this thread, didn't want to add just another 'thinking of you' for morewinevicar but I do actually agree with MumblingRagDoll. It's a little bit spectatorish now and soon it will get to the stage where the thread disappears under the volume of posters asking OP for updates. Confused

But now I'm here I'll add my best wishes for OP and hope that she is working through this with her magnificent friend who is worth her weight in platinum.

Wishing you well, morewinevicar, if and when you come back to the thread. :)

SpeedyGonzalez · 09/06/2011 00:40

Following on from glittery's post, it did occur to me on first reading your initial post, morewine, that sometimes some people are monumentally stupid and inept at getting to grips with emotional and relationship problems. So rather than tackling them head on, or even piece by piece, they avoid the problems by doing godawful things like having affairs. From what I've seen, this seems to be more often a male than female idiocy (though not exclusively) because, broadly speaking, women are better at talking through problems.

I clearly have no idea whether this is an apposite description of your husband. But I just wanted to throw this thought into the mix in case it is.

Thinking of you, rooting for you.

mathanxiety · 09/06/2011 01:22

Hope you're getting some sleep. A shock like this can really take it out of you. You will feel as if you've been hit by a train once the adrenaline stops flowing.

statueofliberty · 09/06/2011 08:10

moreminevicar thinking of you loads,hoping you've been able to talk to H.we're all here if you need us.

Happymm · 09/06/2011 09:55

Hope all ok,x

aurynne · 09/06/2011 10:12

Am I the only one who is a bit worried about her? Sad

PinotGrigiosKittens · 09/06/2011 10:16

:(