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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just found my husband with someone else.

748 replies

morewinevicar · 06/06/2011 23:08

I walked straight out, but have nowhere to go. No stuff. My little boy is asleep in the house. I was away on a course but couldn't stand to stay at the rubbish travel lodge for the night so drove for hours and just got home. Andmy husband was on the sofa with a woman. Very blonde but didn't see much else and they were drinking and looked like they'd just jumped apart when they heard the door. I'm shaking. I don't know where to go. My son is in the house. How could he?????

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/06/2011 12:38

Thinking of you morewine -hope you're ok after last night. Please let us know how you are doing.

PatriciatheStripper · 08/06/2011 12:42

I've thought from the start that people have jumped to conclusions very rapidly. We have only heard one side of the story and really all the OP saw was her husband sitting with a female person, having a drink. There could easily be an innocent explanation.

I don't deny his reaction does suggest he is in the wrong, but as vmcd28 says, perhaps he is keeping his distance until he thinks the mood has calmed down enough for him to get a fair hearing.

Hope there has been an amicable resolution to this situation.

bupcakesandcunting · 08/06/2011 12:56

I really don't think that there can be an innocent explanation when the OP's H didn't try and explain himself and left. Hmm Would YOU leave your house if your DH had walked in and found you sharing a drink with another man if it was entirely innocent? I'd insist on staying and defending myself.

GelflinGirl · 08/06/2011 13:02

so sorry for you OP, what an arse you "H" is!!! Hope you ok!

atswimtwolengths · 08/06/2011 13:04

Patricia, I think you're being very naive. Surely her husband would have chased after her? He wouldn't have left the house that night if the woman was there to read the gas meter, would he? He wouldn't have come back to collect his clothes if it was nothing.

Quintessential, I agree with you re the way people are talking about divorce. It's obvious they need to talk. I can't really see that an instant decision on her part will be in her best interests.

CointreauVersial · 08/06/2011 13:05

How are you, OP? We are all thinking about you. Hope you resolved things one way or another last night.

springbokscantjump · 08/06/2011 13:11

Quintessential's right. OP I am sure no-one here would judge you whatever you decide to do. Nobody can know what the ins and outs of your relationship are or how you decide to move forward.

The great thing about MN is that there are always people who have done things either the same as you or different and regardless is a great source of support.

passiveaggresive · 08/06/2011 13:21

a bunfight isn't going to help, niave or otherwise. There wont be an "innocent" explanation, but there will be some sort of explanation i hope, the OP deserves that much.

morewine be kind to yourself, post on here if it helps, keep strong and you'll get through this, no matter what the outcome x

flooziesusie · 08/06/2011 13:43

thinking of you OP, the worst situation to be in... I hope in some way the silence means you have had answers.

Ben10isthespawnofthedevil · 08/06/2011 13:52

.

encyclogirl · 08/06/2011 13:53

Hope everything is ok OP. I would imagine you're processing the events of last night.

We're all here for you when you feel ready to talk again.

PatriciatheStripper · 08/06/2011 13:57

It's not being 'naive', it's standing back and not rushing to judgement when I don't personally know the people involved. I don't know how they react to things when stressed out, so I kept an open mind. I do not think all the messages of support here have necessarily been helpful, it has been like a lynch mob in here at times. I do have some experience of this type of situation.

passiveaggresive · 08/06/2011 14:18

I do know what you mean Patriche, it was the Angry stage that the OP was in and i think the fucker deserved a lynching and allowed morewine an outlet for some of the despair she must be feeling right not. If that were to continue, you are correct it would be wrong. It would be enough that my DP had a strange woman in MY house where my child was sleeping upstairs, there aren't many other conclusions to make sadly.

I would actully suggest to the OP that she starts another thread to move on from this because people will read the OP and come in all guns blazing when things will have moved on from that stage. Im sure all of the posters here would be happy to support on whatever thread she starts.

Thinking of you morewine and if thoughts and concern were strength, you'll have all the strength you need to get you over this awful time.

loopylou6 · 08/06/2011 14:27

Wishing you strength

AngelbitchtheChaoticone · 08/06/2011 14:30

OP I haven't read all the posts so someone may have suggested this but starting a new thread in relationships may be helpful.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/06/2011 14:42

vicar ive just read this :(

im so sorry and dh is def been/being a twunt

i was going to say, could it be innocent and just a female friend over for a drink - but seems not from the replies and his text

you are amazing to cope with this shock and be so dignified about it

agree dont change the locks, its illegal and unfortunally dh has every right to be in his you house :(

((huge hugs)) to you and ds

you have to decide what you want to do - as in to try and forgive and repair (if possible) and stay with dh

or leave him and divorce

tbh you both need to try and meet up and have a chat, though obviously it is too raw at the moment

Rindercella · 08/06/2011 14:49

Morewine, just read this thread. I am so sorry you had such an awful shock.

I hope the fact that you haven't been back means that your husband at least gave you the decency of talking last night. I am sure you have a thousand questions for him.

Just horrible. Really horrible. Hope you're ok and sending you a bug hug x

jasper1980 · 08/06/2011 14:52

.

PatriciatheStripper · 08/06/2011 15:05

I take a more detached view than most, I suppose, probably because I worked for years with mostly male colleagues in a job which involved travelling and staying in hotels. And no, I didn't have affairs with them! :o so I understand that people can be friends without jumping into bed with each other if the opportunity arises.

I have come in to find my husband with a woman in our house! it was an old school friend that he had bumped into and they were reminiscing after not meeting for 30 years. It never occurred to me to think there was anything amiss, so I didn't panic and run off, I just said 'hello' and was introduced, poured myself a glass and joined in the conversation. There have been countless other incidents where one or other of us has been alone in the house with a Shock member of the opposite sex, but it doesn't mean anything out of order.

Going by the reactions on here, so many women instantly assume the worst that I can understand why a man might keep his distance until he felt he might be listened to in a rational manner.

atswimtwolengths · 08/06/2011 15:09

Patricia.

The OP came into the house, they moved apart, she left.

She told him then that the woman should go and that he should go when she got back. He didn't reply saying "This is an old school friend." When she got back, the husband apologised and left.

He then sent her a text the next day to say he would be back to collect his belongings.

Now THINK ABOUT IT.

wineandcheese · 08/06/2011 15:17

What a horrible shock for you OP. Hope you are ok today and that your H has had the decency to tell you what was going on.

PatriciatheStripper · 08/06/2011 15:18

I was speaking generally. I find the instant assumptions and lynch mob mentality on this and other threads just a tad disturbing.

This comment for instance:
"It would be enough that my DP had a strange woman in MY house where my child was sleeping upstairs, there aren't many other conclusions to make sadly."

Is everyone really so insecure?

Lovecat · 08/06/2011 15:21

Patricia, don't make this about you and your experiences.

OP, do hope you're all right. Look after yourself.

OnlyWantsOne · 08/06/2011 15:30

Just checking in again -

Hope that morewine is ok xxxx

Cocoflower · 08/06/2011 15:34

I think if they hadnt moved apart, dp had instantly rung to explain a silly misunderstanding and hadnt moved out to his (I assume) mothers then maybe, just maybe it would be innocent

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