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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to Dh's grandmothers funeral

102 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:26

Ok here is the backstory.

She was 92 and lived in a home 100 miles from us. In the 3.5yrs we have been together we have visited her once.

She died last week, and the funeral is Monday.

My dd (4.5), has preschool on Monday. We also have a DS 2.5yrs who I cannot find childcare for.

The funeral isnt local, so we would be out from 8am-4pm at least.

I want to say, sorry but my children come first, DD must go to preschool and nonetheless its not suitable for them to go to a funeral.

My DH is insistant that he isnt going on his own, and we must all go and support him.

Help mumsnet! Am I being a bitch or am I being sensible?

OP posts:

IAmTheCookieMonster · 04/06/2011 19:30

I think supporting your DH is important. He may not have seen her much but it is still probably very upsetting for him.

My opinion is that your DD can miss preschool for one day and that the idea that funerals are not for children is misplaced, what they imagine can be far worse that what happens (although I wouldn't let them see an open casket).

I can really really see your point of view, but if I were in that situation I would go if my DH wanted your support.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 04/06/2011 19:30

my support

squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 19:30

He is being a bit precious. If she meant so much to him he would have made a lot more effort over the last few years.

He wont be on his own, his family will be there.

gerardway · 04/06/2011 19:31

If your DH wasn't bothered I'd say YANBU but he wants to go and he wants you there. It's his Grandmother and although you have not spent much time together your DH probably has many childhood memories with her so in that case you are BU.

duckdodgers · 04/06/2011 19:31

It wouldnt hurt for your DD to miss nursery just this once would it? Personally if it was my DH I would want to go to support him.

beesimo · 04/06/2011 19:32

You are a strange one OP if you canna answer your own question.

YellowDinosaur · 04/06/2011 19:32

YANBU to not want to go for the reasons you describe.

However it is your dh's gran and he has asked for you to go to support him. So imho that is what you do.

Yes it will be a PITA but your dd will not suffer for missing one day of preschool and both your children will be fine at the funeral. Take some snacks (sweets for bribes) and quiet toys and sit near the door so you can take them out if they are being a bit raucous.

It is one day, to support your dh. Suck it up.

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:33

Cookie and squeaky, that is the exact argument we are having!

He isnt upset at all. But then, he didnt even shed a tear when his mum died 8 years ago. He's not close to his family.

Not because anything has happened, but he is just settled with me, the kids and friends. Family has just kind of drifted apart for him.

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 04/06/2011 19:33

He should be able to go by himself really. If she was 92 then he must have expected her to die at some point. It's not as though it's one of his parents or something. If it's because he doesn't like funerals, then nobody does, you just have to grit your teeth and tolerate it. They only last for about half an hour.

YellowDinosaur · 04/06/2011 19:35

So if he has drifted apart from his family it is probably more important that you are there to support him as he won't feel he has them for support.

Just because someone doesn't shed a tear doesn't mean they are not upset. Especially if they are a bloke and it has eben drummed into them that boys don't cry

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:35

Beesimo, not sure why you are calling me strange?

OP posts:

shinyrobot · 04/06/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beesimo · 04/06/2011 19:38

In my family we would cross water, break jail, run walk or crawl over broken glass to go to Grans funeral she is your bairns GranGran for Christ sake. The blood and bone that makes your DCs bodies comes partly from that lady who gave life to your DHs Mam or Father she was blood kin.

You have no bloody respect or manners what a show up for your DH

throckenholt · 04/06/2011 19:38

I would say it is too long a day for the kids. If DH wants to go - that is fine - his decision entirely - but you are not going to take the kids.

Selks · 04/06/2011 19:39

Think about it the other way round: how would you feel if you were in DH's position?

It's not about his Grandma, it's about supporting your DH.

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:40

Its not the tears, he genuinally isnt upset. He said he is sad for his dad but thats it.

Im struggling to understand why he cant just show up with his dad, say hello to everyone, then leave, and let us get on with our day.

That sounds fucking horrid doesnt it?

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 04/06/2011 19:40

Sorry but funerals are about respect and supporting those who are grieving.

If you don't go you show you don't givea toss about tour husbands feelings,. have no respect for thedead and frankly are a bit of a cold fish.

PaddingtonStare · 04/06/2011 19:42

What beesimo said.

There is no "must" about your child going to preschool, no legal requirement. He can go any other school day between now and attending F/T education.

Your husband can only say goodbye to his Grandmother once. He needs you, don't let him down.

MerylStrop · 04/06/2011 19:42

You should certainly go. Your DH needs you. One day missed of preschool is neither here nor there.

I would not relish it, but it is unkind of you to put your DH under further stress when he obviously feels that he needs you to be there. Whether that is for duty, grief or in the hope of rebuilding his relationship with his family.

SmethwickBelle · 04/06/2011 19:42

Its a pity he doesn't feel like he can go on his own, as very young children and funerals aren't a brilliant combination - but assuming he is a reasonable person he must really want your support.

So given that, for me it would rest on whether the funeral was open to children attending. If it was "all welcome" I'd go, wrangle the kids, to be there for DH.

If its likely to be a mostly child free event or if the organisers (presumably DH's parents) would prefer no children I would stay home to sort the children out, the organisers wishes coming ahead of DHs. But if they are ok about the possible noise etc... DHs wishes should come ahead of the children.

MorticiaAddams · 04/06/2011 19:42

YABU and should be there for your husband. It's awful that you think your dd going to pre-school is more important than supporting him and there's no reason that children can't go to a funeral.

BrianAndHisBalls · 04/06/2011 19:42

beesimo - why do you always type like that? its fucking annoying.

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:43

If I was in his position, Id leave the kids with him and go on my own as Id want them to not have to endure it. Especially as my DD is terrified of death atm. I genuinally would.

But thats why Ive asked others opinions.

I know Im quite cold, but I always have been, Im not a very emotional person except with my kids.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 04/06/2011 19:44

*Im struggling to understand why he cant just show up with his dad, say hello to everyone, then leave, and let us get on with our day.

That sounds fucking horrid doesnt it?*

Yes, I'm afraid it does: to me anyway.

TheOriginalFAB · 04/06/2011 19:44

Your DD doesn't have to go to preschool but your DH does need and more importantly, wants your support so you should all go.

The children won't know what is going on so won't be sad and they might help.

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