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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to Dh's grandmothers funeral

102 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:26

Ok here is the backstory.

She was 92 and lived in a home 100 miles from us. In the 3.5yrs we have been together we have visited her once.

She died last week, and the funeral is Monday.

My dd (4.5), has preschool on Monday. We also have a DS 2.5yrs who I cannot find childcare for.

The funeral isnt local, so we would be out from 8am-4pm at least.

I want to say, sorry but my children come first, DD must go to preschool and nonetheless its not suitable for them to go to a funeral.

My DH is insistant that he isnt going on his own, and we must all go and support him.

Help mumsnet! Am I being a bitch or am I being sensible?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 04/06/2011 20:04

Sorry, just re-read your last post - see that you've tried with DH's dad and sister - maybe they're just shit but they'll be others there to try and communicate with who might be better.

atosilis · 04/06/2011 20:05

That's ok then shirleyshortcut

MmeBlueberry · 04/06/2011 20:06

If you have difficult relationships with other family members, it can be hard.

But funerals are hard.

The night before my mum's funeral, my dad said how much he was dreading the day, and I said to him that he just has to get through it. Tough, basically.

You may not want to go for all sorts of reasons, trivial and real, but at the end of the day, it is a duty.

The upside is that you make build relationships with your SILs. The downside is that you have a day of your life you can't get back.

If you don't go, it will range from smug to deep regret.

chunkythighs · 04/06/2011 20:10

I hate threads that are not honest. You don't want to go, you don't want to upset the routine of your family. Do whatever you want but for christ sake be honest about it!

Personally I think UABU- Its not all about you -go and support your husband IMO.

didldidi · 04/06/2011 20:10

Can your family that are so "so close" not have your children? but on the other hand it sounds to me as though he's only going to avoid trouble from his dad and he wants you all there to put on a front and avoid awkward questions.

YellowDinosaur · 04/06/2011 20:13

The thing is you say that your dh and your dcs are your family but you don't want to be there to support your dh?

I get all of your reasons why YOU don't think your dh needs support but the fact is he is telling you that in fact he DOES need your support.

That should be enough, surely, and not need any discussion other than whether (if you have a choice) you take the children or not. Whether you or your dh are close to his family is, in this context, irrelevant - your dh (for whatever reason) needs your support so imho you need to go to provide that support

RhinestoneCowgirl · 04/06/2011 20:15

I have children that age, and I would take them to a funeral. It is hard when you are not close to your in-laws but I think the fact that your DH would like you to go does have some bearing on this.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 20:15

I a being honest! Ive said I dont want to disrupt routine (not in those word). He totally is jus going to display our "perfect" family. Gah, I think im going to go, and bear it.

OP posts:
didldidi · 04/06/2011 20:16

see - I'm doubting the whole 'needing support' thing as the op says he's not upset, hadn't seen her for years and is only going not to piss his dad off.

ChristinaEliopolis · 04/06/2011 20:16

If your DH wants you there, then you should go.

My lovely Grandma died recently and my younger brother's wife refused to come to the funeral. Or to scatter the ashes. She didn't even have the courtesy to contact my mother and explain. I can't think of her in the same way any more - it was such a snub.

Do the right thing and go. The children will be fine with a little forward planning.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 20:17

Sorry for crap spelling, am on a mobile hone.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 04/06/2011 20:18

I should think the support the OP's DH needs is to show a united family front to his own blood relations, rather than emotional support.

WhoAteMySnickers · 04/06/2011 20:20

Can't any of your wonderfully close family have the children for the day?

Your DH has asked for your support, for you to attend the funeral with him. I think you should.

clemetteattlee · 04/06/2011 20:22

Do your husband finds it awkward to spend time with his family, and would probably feel much easier if you went with him (whether he is upset or not, this will be a tough day for him). It is not about how upset he is, it is about you helping him on a day when he thinks he would need help. It is no skin off your nose, the kids will be fine, you are being selfish...

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 20:24

No my family cant have them. We may be close, but there are only 4 of us, and the funerak was only booked yesterday so not enough notice. And we are getting married nxt week so I thibk im generally stressed anyway.

OP posts:
didldidi · 04/06/2011 20:31

well my not so close but very helpful none the less parents have agreed to have my children at a moment's notice for my FIL's funeral when the date is decided - because they know how important it will be for me to be with my husband. End of.

WhoAteMySnickers · 04/06/2011 20:33

Not enough notice... For a funeral? I would have thought a close family member would be more helpful under the circumstances.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 20:36

My sister lives miles in the othet direction, my other sister and mum are at work. And they arw having the kids for a week next week while we are.on honeymoon. Sorry my famiky dont live up to expectations Hmm

OP posts:
PaddingtonStare · 04/06/2011 20:40

I'd have thought that someone who is willing to have someone else's kids for what is essentially a weeks holiday wouldn't think twice about having those children for a day, when the reason for asking is a funeral.

Very odd.

clemetteattlee · 04/06/2011 20:42

Do you love your husband (to be? Did you say you were getting married next week?) If you asked him to help you face a tricky situation would you expect him to do it without question? Have you thought through the implications of the vows you are jus about to make - sometimes you are going to have to put his needs first...

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 20:43

Mum on
y works one day and its a monday. She works for a charity and CANNOT have time off. Not my fault, and we are not odd.

OP posts:
PaddingtonStare · 04/06/2011 20:47

I was thinking more that the situation is odd, not you and your family.

Well, perhaps you are, wrt support and respect... Wink

thumbwitch · 04/06/2011 20:47

Some very snidey posters on here - unnecessarily snidey, casting aspersions on the OP's family now as well. Hmm

MadamDeathstare · 04/06/2011 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 04/06/2011 20:54

It seems very sad that you have only visited her once in 3 and a half years. It is one of his closest relatives-I think it comes before routine. (how inconvenient of her to die at the wrong time Hmm)

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