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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to Dh's grandmothers funeral

102 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:26

Ok here is the backstory.

She was 92 and lived in a home 100 miles from us. In the 3.5yrs we have been together we have visited her once.

She died last week, and the funeral is Monday.

My dd (4.5), has preschool on Monday. We also have a DS 2.5yrs who I cannot find childcare for.

The funeral isnt local, so we would be out from 8am-4pm at least.

I want to say, sorry but my children come first, DD must go to preschool and nonetheless its not suitable for them to go to a funeral.

My DH is insistant that he isnt going on his own, and we must all go and support him.

Help mumsnet! Am I being a bitch or am I being sensible?

OP posts:

scarletfingernail · 04/06/2011 20:56

I totally get why your Mum wouldn't offer to have your kids for the day when she's having them for the whole week, and she presumably knows that your DH isn't even bothered about his family. I probably wouldn't ask her either if she was already doing so much getting prepared for your wedding and said week of having children.

But, your DP has asked you to attend with him so for that reason alone you should go. If that means taking your DCs and sitting at the back with them, so be it. Presumably your DP is ok about your children attending the funeral or he wouldn't be expecting you to go knowing you've got no childcare?

FWIW I wouldn't be happy to take my 2.5 year old DS to a funeral either, but if DH asked me to so he felt better about going I would.

herbietea · 04/06/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harecare · 04/06/2011 20:59

I hope you make it an enjoyable day for your family. I hope she was a lovely old lady who had a lovely life.

fifi25 · 04/06/2011 21:04

are any of his family going to the wedding?

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 21:07

No fifi. We are doing it alone in Vegas.

OP posts:

Ormirian · 04/06/2011 21:08

Of course you aren't a bitch but you are being a little inflexible and unsympathetic. Death trumps most things. Including pre-school. And if he feels guilty, it's even more vital he goes and is supported.

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 21:09

Orm, spot on. You said it perfectly. Bite the bullet time for me I think. Pants.

OP posts:

nijinsky · 04/06/2011 21:14

This might be the only memory your DCs have of their great grandmother. OK, not a particularly cheerful one, but it is also a family gathering and important from that point. She is a matriarch of the family, and it is nice to show respect.

skybluepearl · 04/06/2011 21:20

go and take the kids

MadamDeathstare · 04/06/2011 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/06/2011 01:20

yes you need to go,as regardless to anything else your dh2b wants you there for support

to not go as your dd must go to preschool is a silly reason and children need to learn about death, so if other children are going then suitable for them to go

death effects people in different ways and maybe this will be like an olive branch for your oh family and him to try and build bridges

yes he should have visited his grandmother more during her life, but in hindsight we all wish we had done things differently, so maybe this is a time for him to say goodbye/make his peace

LordOfTheFlies · 05/06/2011 01:34

When my GM died aged 95 my dad didn't ask me to travel up -580 miles each way- as I think he wouldn't expect my DCs to understand. It was more important they had seen her when she was alive.
He was more upset because my mum& dad were due to come down to see my DCs and he had to explain to them why he couldn't (they were 8 and 6 at the time).

If its physically do-able OP then try and do it.Its only a day out of your life and it will mean alot to your DH

Morloth · 05/06/2011 01:39

He is your partner and he has asked you to support him, surely that is enough to inconvenience yourself for?

sundayrose10 · 05/06/2011 02:48

beesimo - why do you always type like that? its fucking annoying.

hahaha, above had me rolling.

sundayrose10 · 05/06/2011 02:51

I feel for you, op - I wouldn't want to go...but I'm selfish like that. Your dilemma would actually make me break in a sweat.

PicaK · 05/06/2011 07:29

If your DH is having to support his dad, then it seems perfectly obvious that your DH needs support too - especially if the last funeral he went to was his mum's.

Go - it'll be a PITA and prob mess up your kids' routine - you won't regret it.

Lovebendicks · 05/06/2011 09:31

Please go, your dp has asked for your support. He may end up holding it against you if you don't go. The children will be fine they are resilient, I've been to funerals with children & they have always helped to lighten the atmosphere.

Takeresponsibility · 05/06/2011 09:56

You have stated yor family are close and you do not uinderstand DPs family and their attitudes to family, yet, when it comes to displaying family unity you don't want to lead by example. You don't want to go to a family funeral although he wants you to go with him, and you are getting married in Vegas without your famiy or your children present.

It seems to me you are either hypocritical or confused about what family means to you.

I would say to you what goes around comes around. The example you set to your children will be the backbone of how they treat you in later life.

If you want your kids to have close family bonds and to love and respect you, DP and other family members you have to show them how it's done.

Georgimama · 05/06/2011 10:03

You're getting a very hard time here which isn't really fair. My uncle died recently and my mother, brother and I duly went down to Plymouth for the funeral. DH and SIL stayed at our respective homes with the children rather than dragging them out on a very long day. Our aunt understood completely and was just glad DB and I made it. We are a strong and close family but when you have children of your own, your immediate family unit takes priority over more distant relations.

You are in a bit of a bind though because your DH wants you to go. I think you need to tbh because not going will cause more problems than going will.

swash · 05/06/2011 10:18

If your DH wants you to go, you should go. Why don't you drive up the night before and stay in a Holiday Inn or similar? Then your kids don't have to do two long drives at once.

I think this is the sort of thing that can have a lasting impact on your relationship. Your DH really needs your support here and I think it is unwise to put your own feelings first.

LynetteScavo · 05/06/2011 10:22

I know it's not the nicest of days out, but I think you all should go.

oohlaalaa · 05/06/2011 10:23

My DH would want me at his grandma's funeral too. Sorry, I think you should make the effort and go.

AuntiePickleBottom · 05/06/2011 10:31

i would go, to support my husband.

i did this last year, only met dh nan once in the 6 years we had been together...it was a 4 hour drive there and back

harecare · 07/06/2011 20:28

How was it?

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/06/2011 23:16

did you go monkeyface

how was it/dh?

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