Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to Dh's grandmothers funeral

102 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:26

Ok here is the backstory.

She was 92 and lived in a home 100 miles from us. In the 3.5yrs we have been together we have visited her once.

She died last week, and the funeral is Monday.

My dd (4.5), has preschool on Monday. We also have a DS 2.5yrs who I cannot find childcare for.

The funeral isnt local, so we would be out from 8am-4pm at least.

I want to say, sorry but my children come first, DD must go to preschool and nonetheless its not suitable for them to go to a funeral.

My DH is insistant that he isnt going on his own, and we must all go and support him.

Help mumsnet! Am I being a bitch or am I being sensible?

OP posts:
MmeBlueberry · 04/06/2011 19:45

100 miles away isn't far, and rules about work and school are waived when it comes to family funerals. There should be no problem about taking either of your children.

A funeral is really a family reunion, and a happy one when it concerns a 92 year old. They are all your, and your DC's family.

slipperandpjsmum · 04/06/2011 19:45

We are all different aren't we and you may well be close to your family and not need the support of anyone to attend a family funeral but he has asked for your support and therefore you need to go.

The reasons you come up with for not attending aren't really valid. Missing one day of pre-school v being part of a right of passage to say goodbye to a family member??

I thinnk its a real problem in our culture how we exclude children from things like this which is part of the reason why some people struggle to manage situations like this. If the family are not close as you say it will give them a chance to meet relatives they don't often see which always happens at funerals.

I don't think you are being sensible I think you are being insensitve. However much you choose to describe your DH relationship with his Grandmother as insignificant he wants to say goodbye and to do it with you. Why would you deny him that?

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:47

I really must stress that he is not upset. He feels like he has to go so he doesnt piss his dad off. He hasnt even met his cousins etc, and his mum died in 2001 so there isn't a family unit as such.

Im not saying preschool is more important, I just didnt feel like a 4yr old and a 2yr old should have to sit through a funeral then go to a house with people none of us know.

If Im wrong Im happy to accept that.

OP posts:
defineme · 04/06/2011 19:47

I don't think it's a big deal to go-preschool is a ridiculous reason to give and you'll probably end up walking round the gravestones with the kids, but that's not the end of the world.
Does your dh want to go to support thr rest of his family?
My dh does see lots of his close family, but there are some he only sees at weddings and funerals-I'd still go with him if he wanted. I think these occasions are the glue that sticks society together and I think maybe your dh needs this chance to reflect on his attitude to family.It sounds really sad that he doesn't keep in touch much.

PaddingtonStare · 04/06/2011 19:48

"I know Im quite cold, but I always have been, Im not a very emotional person except with my kids."

That begs the question 'why did you marry then?'.

Your children, at 4.5 and 2.5, are not going to be traumatised by sitting in the back of the church/chapel, ready to be whisked out if they start singing and chattering, for the short length of a funeral service. Most likely they won't even remember it in a year's time. It sounds to me like you're making excuses but I can't see why you'd want to do that - apart from perhaps to make it clear that you and the DC are DH's family now, not his late Grandma or his parents. If so, that leaves a nasty taste here.

beesimo · 04/06/2011 19:49

Why did you only visit old lady ONCE in 3.5 years it is disgraceful. I have got called bad names on another thread having outted meself as Romany heritage but I tell you this for nought. We would die by bite of dog before we left our old ones to rot in the hands of strangers I am appalled.

One day you will be old lady too and would you like your GS wife to say oh don't bother going to funeral we never saw her anyway!

Beneath contempt are you.

atosilis · 04/06/2011 19:50

Please do go, find someone to look after the children if they're going to miss quantum physics but there is a little bit of his grandmother in your children. In my family this would not be a question.

defineme · 04/06/2011 19:51

So it's to support his Dad-that's as good as reason as any-I went to dh's gran's out of respect to mil/dh. ill your fil appreciate the kids being there-I know my mil wouldn't have!
Talk it through with him.

SuchProspects · 04/06/2011 19:51

I do see your pov that if he hasn't made an effort up til now why be so concerned about attending. I think he's being U to row about it.

But I would go and take the DCs. It's a brilliant opportunity to build up relationships with the rest of the family. As someone else said - funerals aren't really about the person who's dead, they're about the people still here. Also, if your DC is scared of death a funeral, well handled, could help.

MmeBlueberry · 04/06/2011 19:52

When my mum died earlier this year, I initially said that I would come alone to the funeral (because of the large distance), and the moments later I realised that I wanted my own family with me. My mother had been very ill with dementia for several years, so the children did not see her. It would have been easy to write off her life as far as my family were concerned.

We did all go, and it was a great decision on so many levels.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 04/06/2011 19:56

Ive tried no bloody end to make friends with his sister and dad to try and pull the family together. It falls on deaf ears, I get one word answers, and its draining!

My family are so close, I really dont understand them who dont seem to give a shit.

I always used to say 'come on, lets go see her', but he always had a reason why he couldnt/shouldnt.

Seems like he didnt give a shit when she was alive, but now she has died, he has admitted himself that he has to go, but wants me to go so he doesnt sit alone.

Im mumbling but I know what I mean.
His dad doesnt ever bother seeing our kids no matter how much I ask/try.

OP posts:
cannydoit · 04/06/2011 19:56

ummmmm yeah think you should go, she is you kids great gran, you should support you dh if thats what he wants. funerals are about being there for the people that need it and he may not have been that close to her later in life but may have been when younger and may be more upset on they day than he realises. or may be upset for his dad who has just lost his mum he may need you to be there for him, he may not but you should be just in case, i would.

ilovesooty · 04/06/2011 19:56

you and the DC are DH's family now, not his late Grandma or his parents

That's exactly the impression I'm getting too.

harecare · 04/06/2011 19:57

YABU. She was very old so it won't be a traumatic funeral. You might learn something nice about her life and all DHs and therefore DCs relatives will be there. Some of whom may not have met your DCs.
If DD is terrified of death it might be a good way of her learning that death is inevitable, but not at all scary. It'll be a nice service followed by drinks and food with everyone chatting to people they've not seen in years. Just go, you may even enjoy it and the older relatives will certainly enjoy seeing your DCs.

Glitterknickaz · 04/06/2011 19:58

Your husband needs your support.
One day missed at preschool is not major
Your husband has asked that his family be around him. If my husband asked the same of me I'd do it no questions asked, despite me having a difficult relationship with some of his family.

ilovesooty · 04/06/2011 19:58

Sorry - x post there. I see you have tried with his family.

Still think you should go and support him though.

fifi25 · 04/06/2011 19:58

yabu - show some respect and go to the funeral. It may be nice to catch up with his extended family.

He may be upset but is not showing it

PaddingtonStare · 04/06/2011 19:59

"His dad doesnt ever bother seeing our kids no matter how much I ask/try."

Now I get it. This isn't about pre-school or lack of childcare is it?

Your DH has, at his own admittance, a family to whom he isn't close. He probably feels very awkward.

He also, from the sound of it, feels guilty that he saw so little of his Grandma. This is his one and only chance to make amends and do the right thing, he won't get another. Put the resentment aside for just one day, for his sake.

Deaddei · 04/06/2011 19:59

I wouldn't go.
I didn't go to MIL's funeral earlier this year...dh didn't like her and had no relationship with her.He went, but we didn't.

defineme · 04/06/2011 20:01

It's really really sad that his family are messed up and it's great he has a good unit with you.
I can see why you'd be pissed off, but it's only 1 day and I'd go if I was you, but only after I'd talked it through with him and checked I wasn't going to piss anyone off by bringing the kids. I feel a bit sorry for yor dh tbh-the way you describe his family I'm not surprised he isn't good at maintaining family relations.

atosilis · 04/06/2011 20:01

Beesimo, you ought to write books, such descriptive language. You remind me of Edna OBrien (sp?)

thumbwitch · 04/06/2011 20:02

Well. You're getting a bit of a bashing here from some for whom family is the be all and end all. But that's not how it is in your set up and so some of the comments don't really apply to your situation.

I wouldn't want to take my children of that age to a funeral of someone they had never met, or even to the funeral of someone they had met but wasn't that close to them - funerals are hard work for little children.

But OTOH, your DH has asked you to go with him for support - and that would be enough for me to go. I would take the children, I would go with him, I would sit probably at the back of the church rather than up front with the immediate family and I would take the children out at the first sign of restlessness. Then I would go to the wake with my DH so that he had support there, among "family" he is not close to, and then we would leave together, knowing that we had shown a united front and done our duty.

If you really want to try and "close the gaps" in your DH's family, then this is your opportunity to give it a go - meet them yourself and try and establish some bridges.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/06/2011 20:03

I think you should only go to a funeral if the person who died is someone you are genuinely grieving for, or to support someone who is genuinely grieving. Seeing as this doesn't apply to yourself or your DH, then I think you'd best not go.

To me I think it is more important and respectful to see someone who matters to you during their life. A big show at a funeral is not respectful if the genuine feeling isn't there, it's just hypocrisy.

shirleyshortcut · 04/06/2011 20:03

i wouldnt go

i didnt go to my grandads funeral when i lived 300 miles away, but i sent flowers

cannydoit · 04/06/2011 20:04

ultimately aside from all the other reasons you dh has asked for your support. that would be enough for me.