yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

supercal - we do indeed have different ideas of good manners.

I would be interested to know the back story between dh and dm. from the side that has been posted see seems veryu controlling.

but then that would be another thread.

And no, the OP's DP didn't want the whole event. But he did want the football segment. So he should have made some attempt to ensure this happened by contributing in some way

Why would he contribute when his mum was happy to pay? when she had offered to pay? When she had asked him what he wanted and he told her? When she led him to believe right up until the day before that this was what indeed was going to happen? That she gave no indication at being unhappy with this part of the plan? When they had discusses it repeatedly?

It sounds to me like the OPs DH finally had enough of his mums controlling behaviour.

So the MIL changed her mind! Big Fucking Deal. OK, annoying, probably somewhat disrespectful, but I don't know how on earth you can summise from this that she was perpetually controlling, QuackQuack. The OP hasn't given us much of a backstory or any other examples. Her DH threw a massive paddy, when he could have gone to the main event, then insisted on going to watch the match. Or he could have just rolled his eyes, muttered about his mother to the OP, then sucked it up and gone to the event with good grace. But no, he decided to back out fully, 'on principle'. That smacks of controlling, too.

Ok Quack Quack, we'll leave it there shall we.

QQS, you might not agree with supercal but she certainly doesn't sound deranged.

And accusations of nastiness could go both ways, with phrases like 'right nasty b*stards' thrown about, no?

supercal

the op has mentioned several times years of being ignored

Er no, we won't leave it there, actually

Calling someone deranged is pretty nasty.
As is saying, as you did earlier in the thread, that certain posters must have low intelligence.

If you think we're being nasty, fair enough. But fighting our (in your eyes) nastiness with bile of your own, doesn't make you good either. Particularly as personal insults are against the MN rules. Just so you know.

It was me who mentioned Jeremy Kyle last nght, btw (don't worry, I'm working class so you can stop feeling bad about that). I dont think either of you sound chavvy; my point was that the only people I know of who would think that the pub/footie/ditching out at last minute combo was normal are Kyle-esque and that, as you say, bad behaviour/poor manners cut across class.

I'm still not sure why you asked for opinions and then spent 2 days telling everyone why you're not interested in their opinion, but hey ho. Enjoy your evening OP

Why are you busy arguing with everyone on here when it's your husband who's at fault?

And no, I don't agree that your MIL was wrong for ignoring his wishes - I have to assume she tried to meet him half-way, but clearly he did not take into account her wishes. Your description of what kind of day he wanted was that of an extremely selfish man. Does his whole world revolve around him? Has he worked on your self-esteem to break you down, too?

This whole thing sounds awful, and yet here you are arguing with us.

What I don't understand OP is why you have, on the one hand, said 'oh the family all know what he's like and that they have a bad relationship' but, on the other hand, say you want to preserve an illusion of it not being to do with him but let her blame you. This doesn't make sense to me.

Also, I think you would yourself a lot more justice if you stop completely dodging the question which has been raised countless times about how much notice she got and who told her about you both not coming.

Also, did she get a refund? If not, will you be offering anything towards the costs she incurred?

I don't see why its nasty to disagree with the OP and say she could have handled things better.

Speaking as a DIL treated for years like an embarrassment and once DC came along a bloody inconvenience I think it nice OP MIL wanted to do anything - however misguided - and to want to show her DS and new DIL off - to welcome them into the family and maybe have a little boast to call that controlling is bit OTT.

You do find older family members who are a little lonely and have not really got enough on do obsess about minor things because it their world it a huge thing - possibly what was behind the OP MIL phone calls. It can be bloody annoying but love and respect generally mean you deal it or learn to avoid the calls.

Things only really improved with DH family once they and I started having a relationship outside of DH ie they'd speak to me on the phone and make arrangements - and other things that acknowledge I was a person as well rather than just dealing with DH as he was the 'family'. There is a whole tone of it his family and nothing to do with me on this thread.

ChinnyReckon, c'mon, what do you mean you don't understand- this is mn for goodness sake -Jeremy Kyle for latte drinkers! I'm only trying to entertain

I'm through with this thread now, all I can say is that while I understand completely my dh's strop with mil, we were out of order not to go. Or, rather, he was out of order for us both not attending, because, to my way of thinking, I seriously could not go without him (and there are differing views on this, but that is how I see it).

Anyway, thanks all, he is going to make it clear to her that I wanted to go and would have gone- she can draw her own conclusions from this.

I'm not going to mention it to her after this -but if it arises again in conversation, I shall say that I am sorry for the whole business, which is true, I am, but is not the same as saying that anybody other than my dh was to blame for not going.

Please, razzlebathbone, don't go all Jeremy Paxman on me here- if you read the opening post the answer to your question is pretty clear.

Surely you mean Jeremy Clarkson?

I have re-read opening post, as suggested. hayjon said "I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK." You've changed your tune on that one!
In fact, so many details have changed that I call troll.

I think you've been given a hard time OP and YANBU.

Suggestions that you should have made him go or got involved in the conversation about the event seem absurd. You can try to persuade but you should not force even (if you can), and your job is not to play interference between two grown adults. I also agree with you not going. It wouldn't have been any better for your MIL who wanted to celebrate her son's marriage and you would have been taking your MIL's side in a feud at the start of your marriage. Even though he was totally wrong not to go, your loyalty is still with him.

In your shoes I would be very concerned about who I'd married though. He was prepared to disappoint a whole bunch of people who had gone to effort and probably some expense on a whim just to get back at his mum. That's really, really self-centered and pretty nasty. What will the collateral damage be next time he gets annoyed at someone? You say he's just stubborn not manipulative, but stubbornness is still manipulative (just look at the way your MIL tried to manipulate you into having the party she wanted). And I bet your DH knew that the football was definitely not the sort of thing his mum had in mind, so his insistence on it seems like a bit of set up too. But I guess all that is incidental, you didn't ask if YWBU to have married him.

Clear as mud.

But anyway...no wish to hound you.

The truth is though you may not have caused the problems between you DH and MIL, in some form you are going to have a relationship with this woman, especially when DCs are on the scene and she wants to see them.

So why not take a bit of time now to eat humble-pie and ADMIT to her that you appreciate the trouble she went to for the party and you are very embarrassed that your DH did not want to attend. Write a letter if you have to.

You assume she doesn't care what you think, but that is not the point, the point is doing the decent thing.

You have said in your own words 'that you are sorry for the whole business' then why not let her know that? Perhaps you are being just as stubborn by refusing to apologize?

It will mean a 1000% more coming from you than your DH, if you just act like it never happened then really she has every right to think you are being a bit of a cow.

You are not responsible in the way your DH is responsible for this situation, but by putting your head in the sand and saying 'not my problem' you might end up making things worse than they have to be.

Hayjon, forget everyone else on this thread, myself included. You do what you think is right. The more info you've posted about your MIL, the more I think I understand. Nobody else's business (though there are some that are REALLY enjoying piling in at you!) what you do. I also think that there are some rather unforgiving opinions about women and "their place", but that's a whole other thread.

Hope you and your DH can go forward from this and make up with his family, and sending lots of positive vibes your way.

Hi OP, I tried to help put your point accross but these blood suckers aren't interested. Give up and don't come back to MN, that's what I intend.

I've read this from the beginning and I think hayjon I would have been exactly the same in your situation.

Your MIL was VU to ignore your DHs request. She decided to go ahead anyway and didn't say anything about it until the day before because she knew she was in the wrong, but thought that it was then too late notice for him to stand his ground. Ok, most people would have gone along anyway to save her from humiliation, but he obviously felt strongly enough about it to not give in. The reasonable thing to have done here would have been to change the date so that football didn't even come into it in the first place. I wouldn't have been best pleased to be invited to a family event that was going to cost me time and money to then be told that women were having a cream tea while men watched football, so I can see why she didn't think it was appropriate but she should have said that from the start when DH first mentioned the match.

Presumably if you'd wanted a large family gathering as part of your wedding celebrations you'd have included it yourself on your wedding day so I can also see why you weren't bothered about the whole thing but were happy to go along with it.

I also think it would have been ridiculous for you to attend a family meal in honour of your marriage on your own with your DH's family without DH. I'm astounded that anyone would do that. Of course when you've been together for years and you know his family well you could see them without him but for this occasion it would have been a complete joke.

Your husband was stubborn and didn't want to give in to his mother and whether he was right or wrong you chose to stand by him which is exactly what I would've have done too, after trying to convince him otherwise. He now feels he should apologise, the apology should come from you both so go and see her together and take it from there.