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AIBU?

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Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
senua · 02/06/2011 18:05

There aren't many women who would put a pig's bladder ahead of family.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 02/06/2011 18:05

You really think that?
Hmm

I think you are wrong. Gender has nothing to do with this.

TandB · 02/06/2011 18:08

Complete arse about the gender reversal. If a woman was behaving like a tit I would expect the man to make his own mind up and manage his own behaviour, not meekly fall into line behind his wife.

ScarlettIsWalking · 02/06/2011 18:09

The only poster being Stepford wife about things is you with your stoic decision not to go against your DH wishes and admit he was being a dick to force you to cancel the day before she had booked and organised the whole party. You are a big girl and you could have called your MIL to explain the situation. You said you will "do nothing".

I am also aghast that you have said when you see her next you will pretend like nothing happened Shock.

Don't loose your dignity for him.

Longtalljosie · 02/06/2011 18:10

It's funny - you accuse posters on here of being Stepford Wives but I think you should have a think about how close to one you are.

Your DH made a decision to badly hurt a relative. You went along with it. Your logic that it's better she blames you is bizarre. You're embarking on a life-long relationship with this woman. Are you going to absorb all of your DH's unpleasantness, so she can think he's OK really but you're the cause of all his bad behaviour. I don't see your plan working.

You should tell your DH to make it quite clear to his mother that it was his idea alone, and that you were prepared to go. Whether you think she'll believe you is neither here nor there. She deserves the truth.

Personally, I think you're being immature. Families want to celebrate marriages. They didn't get a wedding. A bit of "give" from you over this would not have been the end of the world. Insisting on the football is deliberately raining on her parade and your DH knows it (and deep down I suspect you do too)

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:16

kungfupannda Well maybe YOU would, but I am confident that most here would have a very different take on this if gender were reversed.

'Although your dear wife is very, very upset about years of being ignored by her mother (your mil) which, has all come to a head now- it's unfortunate but it all had to come to a head sometime (which is basically what has happened here with my dh- years of being ignored on mils part and this being straw that broke camel's back). F* your dear wife, go alone, totally disregard her feelings about the issue and make her look like a tit by going to the party by yourself. Oh and don't forget to collude with your mil about this, too.'

Anybody who wrote this would be flamed to next Christmas.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldMoo · 02/06/2011 18:18

hayjon, you have changed to story so much that it barely resembles the your op, so of course it would get a different response. Nothing to do with gender reversal.

Reverse the gender in your NEW story, and the results will be equally different.

You really DO try everything to make yourself look better, dont you?

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:19

Longtalljosie You have misunderstood- it would be better for her friends and acquaintances at the do to think that I was to blame NOT her. Her immediate family know too well that this is between her and my dh, and she herself knows full well that it is just another unfortunate event in their relationship.

OP posts:
TandB · 02/06/2011 18:20

If the wife was being completely unreasonable, which you admit your DH was, then very few people would be advising a man to roll over and make himself look bad on her behalf.

A married couple are still individuals - accountable for their own actions and capable of disagreeing. No-one makes my decisions for me - particularly when the decision in question would go against all my sense of common courtesy and decent behaviour.

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:21

Honest to god, apart from dragging my dh by the hair to the party/meal, what on earth could I do?

OP posts:
TandB · 02/06/2011 18:21

And what Quintessential said. Either this is an entirely reasonable stance by your DH in response to years of ill-treatment, or it is exactly what you have admitted it to be - basic, bad behaviour on his part.

TandB · 02/06/2011 18:22

hayjon Thu 02-Jun-11 18:21:12
Honest to god, apart from dragging my dh by the hair to the party/meal, what on earth could I do?

For the millionth time - go yourself. Failing that - apologise to the woman. For goodness sake, get a backbone and say sorry.

senua · 02/06/2011 18:23

"it would be better for her friends and acquaintances at the do to think that I was to blame NOT her."

Why do you keep repeating this? If she is as bad as your DH says then why do you want to preserve her facade? Why damage your reputation for her sake. It doesn't make sense.

BluddyMoFo · 02/06/2011 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:28

I would not have gone by myself for several reasons:

1, It is a 400 -mile round trip. I do not like driving for that amount of distance by myself. I just don't like to, OK? Like a lot of you won't do things you dislike

2, I barely know the people and it would have been very, very difficult to put on a brave face for nigh on 24 hours

3, I would have had to sat there and listened while they slagged off my dh, I didn't want to do that, OK? I'd have had to sellotaped my mouth shut. It would not feel right me slagging off my dh to them. It would feel strange and not right.

Honestly, you lot are all such wonderful people that you would do all of the above without flinching.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldMoo · 02/06/2011 18:30

"Honest to god, apart from dragging my dh by the hair to the party/meal, what on earth could I do?"

Talk to him. Make him see reason. Or call your mil and talk to her about it.
If not to save her face, then his.

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:31

senua because I do not give a fig what her friends think of me. The only people I have to communicate with are his immediate family and they are stupid- god her other son- who is really a reasonable person- did not speak to her for 2 years, either!

OP posts:
TandB · 02/06/2011 18:31

Whatever your reasons, you made your choice and you are responsible for it. It's done. But you could still have the grace to apologise to this woman.

Not doing so is very small behaviour on your part.

senua · 02/06/2011 18:33

LOL @ "I barely know the people" THAT'S WHY PEOPLE HAVE WEDDING RECEPTIONS!! It's a chance to meet each other. You snubbed the family at the actual wedding and you have done it a second time with this no-show. It wouls serve you right if none of them give you the time of day now.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 02/06/2011 18:33

lol, they probably think you are pretty stupid too Grin

Anway. Have a Biscuit

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:34

I couldn't make him see reason to go to the party. I failed to do it, why are you being so vicious towards me for this? The crime of not being able to bend another human being to my will? It's just cruel.

I would have gone. He wouldn't. Why is this my fault? I do not understand, I did my best, tried to persuade him, he would not have it.

Also, his immediate family are not stupid. A typo.

OP posts:
HushedTones · 02/06/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:35

senua I agree, but I could hardly go without my dh, could I? Be honest, now, it would have been ludicrous to 'get to know them' in these circumstances, would not it?

OP posts:
killingTime · 02/06/2011 18:39

hayjon
Honest to god, apart from dragging my dh by the hair to the party/meal, what on earth could I do?

I try talking to mine.

You could have pointed out how unreasonable he was, how hurt his mother would be, how childish he was being, have badly it reflect on him, that it would damage your relationship with his family - something post DC that may be surprisingly important, and that it would affect how you and others viewed him. Pointed out his mother while possibly being very annoying was trying to do something nice and be welcoming to you - possibly build bridges- that it was not all about him.

You could have gone by yourself - apologised that DH was unable to attend, you could have realised how upset you MIL would be and without promoting sent a thanks for the thought card/letter/call - or made some gesture somehow that showed you appreciated the thought at least.

Shown some basic manners.

senua · 02/06/2011 18:39

We are being 'vicious' because you were guest-of-honour at a party, said you were coming and then cancelled at short notice. Shabby behaviour.

You should have told your DH that you were going. Seeing your principled action would have shamed him into coming too.

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