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Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 17:37

clam For goodness sake, at least try to see why it might be a ridiculous idea. If I had gone alone, it would have been worse for my mil as it would be basically saying to the assembled crowd that her SON hates her. It would be clear that it was her son that hated her and not her dil as her dil had made effort to come.
By not going she could at least save a bit of face by telling people that her dil was a bad influence or something. NOT GOOD, but a damned sight better for her than having the humiliation of everybody knowing that it was her son, and him, alone that could not stand her.

OP posts:
clam · 02/06/2011 17:37

hayjon, it's not because it wasn't clear. It was because people DO NOT AGREE WITH YOU.

2rebecca · 02/06/2011 17:38

I wonder if those of you saying the OP should have gone without her husband are appreciating that she has only just married the guy. It sounds as though it will be all his relatives and she has only met some of them a few times. Different if it was a 10th wedding celebration, although even then if my husband fell out with his family I wouldn't travel 200 miles to see them without him.
The idea that hayjon should be putting her inlaws ahead of her husband when they are just married is bizarre. He is the person she has chosen to live with, not his family.
If I had had a fall out with my relatives just after getting marries and my husband chose to travel several hundred miles to see them when I didn't wish to go and didn't wish him to go I would feel his priorities were totally wrong.
I would probably write a letter to my MIL if I felt my husband was being a pillock though, but I wouldn't enter a battle with him over this. He is the person I have chosen to marry, my primary loyalty is to him (unless my kids are involved, then they come first).
If it was hayjon's family arranging the event she may have felt differently and gone without him.

TandB · 02/06/2011 17:39

Op - I don't really understand the reason why you started this thread. On the face of it, you were annoyed because you received a letter from your MIL blaming both of you for not attending and you wanted to know how to "sort this".

It is blindingly obvious how you "sort this" if "this" is the fact that you personally are in her bad-books over this. You apologise. You. Not your DH. You, for whatever reasons, chose not to attend when your DH made his own decision. You are responsible for that decision - your DH is not. Unless you are incapable of independent thought or action you are entirely culpable for your non-attendance. You should be picking up the phone and apologising to her for going along with your husband's appalling bad manners and cruelty.

I find it thoroughly bizarre how scathing you are towards posters who suggest you should have gone alone. It is not a childish suggestion. It is an entirely reasonable suggestion. It is exactly what I would have done. I would have made an attempt to persuade DP not to be such a complete tit and then I would have got in the car, driven to the party and done one of the following, depending on what I knew of the people there:

  1. Tell them honestly that I didn't know what had got into DP but I was ashamed of him and had attended without him because I did not support him in his appalling behaviour.
  2. Tell them he was ill.

His decision to not attend was his alone and you could do nothing about it. Your decision to not attend was yours alone and you can do something about it - you can apologise. If you don't want to do that then your behaviour is completely graceless and inexcusable.

clam · 02/06/2011 17:40

Don't patronise me, hayjon.
That's your interpretation of how it might be perceived. Many people on here have shown you how it could have been handled in such a manner as to have saved face for her. Seems you weren't willing even to consider that.

But hey. Why should I care? I'm not related to any of you.

HushedTones · 02/06/2011 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stillfrazzled · 02/06/2011 17:41

Hayjon, I would have come to the same conclusions as your last post (and didn't need the capitals, either Wink).

I also see why you're feeling got at. The one thing I would mention is that the first person to sneer about class was actually you, and it played quite badly seeing as it was about a woman who'd put herself out to arrange a party for you (even though it wasn't one you wanted). And the whole 'bourgeoise' thing might well be true, but makes you sound (forgive me) uptight and snobbish.

Apologies, I'm sure you're lovely IRL, it's just I think your tone is why you're getting quite a lot of this flak.

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 17:42

Well, clam, I think they are being a bit silly, because most people would think, had I gone alone, 'Crikey. Her son must really hate her to let his wife go alone'

I am not a mil but I think that everybody thinking that the 'fault' was down to dil AND son would be better than them thinking that it was my son ALONE that hated me.

OP posts:
TandB · 02/06/2011 17:44

So why didn't you go and collude with MIL in some face-saving lie about illness or a work emergency?

Oh yes, because you didn't want to.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 02/06/2011 17:45

Hayjon, I am really concerned for you.

To what extent will you take responsibility for your husbands behaviour, to save face, to give people "the right" impressions, etc?

It is a slippery slope.

clam · 02/06/2011 17:47

So you tell a white lie, he was ill, and protect them both. Him from them knowing what sort of person he really is; and her, not that her son hated her, but that she had done such a bad job of bringing him up.

Dozer · 02/06/2011 17:47

Surely the whole point of getting married quietly is to avoid this sort of stuff.

It was naive of OP and DH to let MIL host/pay for a do, especially if MIL has a history of not listening. Bad of MIL not to listen - clearly she wanted the do for her own benefit. Churlish of DH not to attend.

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 17:48

I am not colluding with mil about anything. My duty is to my dh not my mil. Christ, I am embarrassed about what he did, but there is no effing way that I will be disloyal to him by slagging him off to her!

OP posts:
clam · 02/06/2011 17:49

"Churlish??!!" It was a hell of a sight worse than that!

QuintessentialOldMoo · 02/06/2011 17:51

What about him?

Did he not consider how this would come across on behalf of you in front of his entire family? Is he quite happy to let them think you are a bad influence and had talked him out of coming to a party his mum, your mother in law, had thrown in honour of you both? What does this say about his feelings of loyalty to you ?

TandB · 02/06/2011 17:51

Your "duty" is to your DH? Really?

I don't consider myself to owe a duty to my DP. We are in an equal partnership and neither of us is under any illusion that we are perfect and right all of the time, or that the other one is. If one of us is behaving like a twat then it is a matter for the other one to decide how to deal with the situation as an individual with their own opinions and standards of behaviour.

A relationship isn't a contract in which you agree to always go along with what the other one wants. That is extraordinarily unhealthy in my opinion. A positive, healthy relationship can withstand disagreement.

stillfrazzled · 02/06/2011 17:53

I see what you mean, hayjon, although I think that if my DH were being that much of an arse I'd decide all bets were off, and that I wasn't defending the indefensible.

I really feel for you. It's a shitty introduction to the extended family.

Hope him admitting he was wrong means he'll think twice before doing anything similar in future, especially to you.

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 17:53

Dozer You're right. We should have just said thanks, but no thanks. Couldn't really expect her to change the habit of a lifetime and actually listen.

OP posts:
JanMorrow · 02/06/2011 17:54

how much notice did you give your mil that you weren't coming hayjon?

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 17:57

QuinessentialOldMoo, This is HIS family you are talking about, they all know each other inside out. I do not for one second think that any of them blame me for this-his mother is saying that she does to avoid the truth that she knows deep down and that is that he doesn't care for her that much. This is not exactly good news for me, but that is beside the point.

They are fully aware of the history of spats and stubborness between mil and dh. They are not stupid people.

OP posts:
PrivateParts · 02/06/2011 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 02/06/2011 17:59

I hope so for your sake, hayon.

senua · 02/06/2011 18:00

What about your duty to the family that you have married into. How many people had made arrangements to come to the party that you shunned. What about their feelings.

Why are you so desperate to accept the flak for this. Why would you prefer people to think that is was the dreadful DIL's fault instead of insensitive MIL's fault? If you think that she is so unreasonable, stubborn, etc why take flak for her?
I think you get some weird kick out of being a victim/martyr.Hmm

Original poster
hayjon · 02/06/2011 18:04

I wished that I had reversed the genders here. I can guarantee that my posts would have had different responses!

There would be no : 'sod your dear wife, go to this do without her', oh no. Instead it would be: 'your mil may be upset but you must stick by your wife and you were right not to go'

Nor would there be: 'Put your foot down with the bitch, you should have MADE her go. I'd have made the bitch go'.

Nor would there be: 'You can use a variety of ways to reason with your dear wife'.

I could only imagine the righteous indignation Grin

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 02/06/2011 18:05

I feel really sorry for the OP! I have no duty towards my mil, why should she.