yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

[hayjon]

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

hayjon - I think despite being very shy I would have - just to make my own mind up about his family and so someone would not be so necessary hurt.

Look, there is no nice way of putting this; but most here who says I should have gone by myself are talking nonsense and I doubt very, very much if this is what they really would do in my situation it is just bravado. I think it's bravado or, if not that, from the mouths of people who have been married a very, very long time and are utterly versed in the ways of their dh.
Gimme a break; I've been wed 5 minutes.

I am not saying you should have gone. I can quite see what problem you would get yourself, "crossing" such a man.

I think you should have reasoned with him, rather than leave him to it, just because he did not get the party he wanted. He GOT the wedding he wanted, already. He could not let his mum welcome you into the family the way she wanted to, so had to throw his rattles out of his pram.

QuintessentialOldMoo I tried to reason with him, OK, I failed. For god's sake, why are you making me into a villain for it?

It's not bravado - I can't imagine any other way to behave in the face of such appalling conduct from a DP or DH. It doesn't matter how long you have been married - you don't become an automaton at the moment you say "I do".

It strikes me that this entire thread has simply been an exercise in avoiding responsibility. There is only one reasonable course of action open to you now and the bottom line is that you don't want to do it. Everything you say is basically just a way of dressing up "I don't want to say sorry".

It is the only way to salvage anything from this thoroughly unpleasant incident. But you won't, will you?

I think kungfupannda is spot on.

How would it have helped MIL for the OP to have gone on her own? Would that not have just rubbed it in that her son wouldn't even get in the car and travel with the OP?

Better to call it off at the last minute than to have an excrutiatingly embarrassing event with one half of a couple there and MIL having to explain to everyone that her son was so pissed of with her he wouldn't come, while OP sat there looking like someone had jilted her at the altar but she'd bravely come to the reception anyway.

He is going to apologise to his mother for not attending and he is going to tell her that I, his wife, wished to go very much but felt that I could not go without him. He created this mess and, now, rightly he will sort it out.

I shall be listening to this call to make sure that this is what he says, I have even written down the words I wish him to say to her.
I will not be speaking to her personally, though, not my place. It's his place to apologise for the disaster, not mine.

Hushed. The answer is:
3) Cried into his beer because they lost the match, like everyone knew they would

you're all saying the op should have talked to her husband when her op clearly says "I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail "

some of you are being really mean.

OK, one more question, hayjon.

You say it's rude to ask someone what they want they totally ignore it.

When your DH said that he'd like the men to watch the football in the afternoon and the wimmin could go off for a cream tea ( at gender stereotypes]), did he expect your MIL to fund this?

Or did he do the gracious thing and say, "look, this is what I want to happen for a few hours in the afternoon, why don't I take those that want to watch the football to the pub, and I'll pay for you Mum, the OP and anyone else in the party to go and have a cream tea. I'll make the arrangements with the pub and if you like, I'll find a suitable cream tea venue and organise that, unless you have a preference?"

Because IMO, wanting someone to to pay for, and go to the trouble of organising something to your precise specifications, and then getting v annoyed when they don't is incredibly rude.

supercal, how is it incredibly rude when his mother was asking him what he wanted?? She wanted to know his preference, she asked, she got it, she ignored it but didn't tell him til the day before. THAT's rude.

And I bet she didn't tell him til the last minute because she thought he'd just have to come anyway - that didn't work then.

Well, you've made your mind up, OP. I am not sure what the point of the thread was, to be honest.

Disappointing that you can't do the brave, generous thing and make your own apology instead of abdicating responsibility to your husband.

I hope this isn't the way you intend your whole relationship to work.

Thumbwitch - because he must have known that watching the footie wouldn't be his mother's no.1 choice. Because he wanted to do something that he knew would split up the party, and perhaps incur extra expense as there would be too venues to arrange and possibly pay hire charge for, two food & beverage bills, etc

And because if someone is going to the trouble to throw you a big party (even if you didn't want it in the first place), and is allegedly trying to do it to your specifications, well, it's only manners to offer to help out in some way (be that financial or organisational), surely?

Totally agree Clytaemnestra and DuelingFanjo, there are some right nasty b***ds on this thread! What is almost as bad is that they are unable to read and actually understand what the OP has said! It's really bizaar to read as OP is saying one thing and the bullies (yes that's what you are) are ignoring/dismissing what she says, slagging her off and saying it's all her fault anyway. All I can assume is that you are all of incredibly low intelligence! Perhaps you should go back to the "slagging off cheryl cole" thread. Sounds like that would be more up your street.

I'm seriously shocked, you lot should be ashamed!

I doubt that the whole party would have needed to be there in the afternoon, unless they were ALL travelling for hours - the OP and her DH would have had to leave early or they would have been travelling while the football was on. The dinner was planned for the evning, so after the football had finished - so in fact the party might not have needed to be split up. Did the OP even mention that or was it someone else's speculation?

I'm sorry, I think this must come down to difference in expectations of people following your wishes - if you are asked what you want, told that it will be what you want and then when it comes down to it, it's exactly what you DON'T want, how is that not rude? it is very rude to me, it belittles my opinion and wishes and basically says to me that I am a non-person who doesn't know my own mind and someone else is telling me they know better.

And no, I wouldn't be offering to help out financially with a do I didn't want! Who in their right minds would? If the person wanting to throw the party couldn't afford it and I didn't want it then there is a Very Simple Answer - don't do it!

Why didn't they just choose a different date? Everyone knew months ago the date of FA Cup, Champions League etc. Just pick another date and there would have been no hassle.

It was an evening k.o. 19:45

Thumbwitch - we have a different ideas of good manners. If someone was offering to do all the organising and paying for something, then to me they have final say and how that is run. I would find it annoying if someone asked my opinion and then ignored it, but ... meh. If I really wanted something to happen in a certain way then I would have taken the power by organising it, or at least financially contributing it myself.

And no, the OP's DP didn't want the whole event. But he did want the football segment. So he should have made some attempt to ensure this happened by contributing in some way.

I don't know what I would have done in your situationbut this isn't in WWYD, it is in AIBU and more specifically, AIBU to be upset to be blamed by my mil?

In later posts, you have said that by not going you graciously gave your mil the opportunity to blame the 'evil dil' and yet, in your OP, you said that the main reason you are upset is that your mil blamed you as well as your dh. If the first part of that sentence is correct, then you should just let your mil's letter which partly blames you, wash over you and not let it upset you.

Can you not see that your mil may have wriiten the letter in anger after organising a party for you and your husband in which his family who are scattered all around the country, presumeably made arrangements to attend (e.g. accommodation for those living far away) and at which the guests of honour gave one days notice that they would no longer be attending? Perhaps she was embarrassed that some people had declined other invitations in order to attend 'your' party or had already travelled to the area in which it was being held in order to attend and this caused her to lash out in her letter.

Yeah, he wanted the football segment and he would probably gone into 'rounds' with his relatives. It would have cost my mil NOTHING.

And I do agree with Thumbwitch, if people ask you time and time again what YOU want, you should go along with it or not bother at all.
She feels that going to the pub is 'lower class', you see, well, IMO, what really IS lower class is asking people what they want and NOT going along with it (within reason, of course. If he'd asked for 2 strippers or something then I'd have understood! Even so, she could have said as soon as he mentioned it instead of stringing him along) If she had true class, she'd have said, 'No problem'.

Do you think you or your DH have 'true class' though?

Myself? In some areas, yes; other areas; no, not at all! My dh generally behaves in a classy manner- apart from this disaster! My mil likes to think she has class in every area of life but, generally speaking, is very rude to others.