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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering kicking DP out so I can go back on benefits, fed up of being fucked financially?

191 replies

worriedsinglemum · 01/06/2011 09:56

I have namechanged for this. Its tongue in cheek, I wouldn't really, I love him, he really is great and a good "stepdad" to my dc. they adore him and I love living with him but I hate constantly struggling.

DP moved in with me and my 2 dc few months ago and I had been a single mum on benefits for a while up till that point. We informed the relevant authorities and my HB and IS was stopped completely and my child tax credit has been cut by about a 3rd. We get about £50 a week CTC (for now, have just filled in renewal so could change, and, I suspect, won't be for the better) plus child benefit. X doesnt work so he can't contribute towards DC. I can't believe how skint we are since he has moved in and TBH it is already affecting our (usually great) relationship in lots of shitty ways. we can't afford anything other than the bare basics and I am sick of having no spare money.

He earns 22k. He pays the rent and CT at my place, which is £500. He pays £250 a month maintenance to X who he has dc with, he has debts which the repayments are about £200 pcm at the moment. Then with food, gas, electric, dc clothes and his diesel to get to work on top, All of that comes to more than he earns. So the rest is covered by the CTC and CB I receive. When we lived separately he was in a houseshare so his rent/bills were minimal and we had lots of nights out etc and treats, we even went on holiday abroad for a week. That won't happen this year.

I can't really work in the day atm as the childcare would wipe out anything I could earn. (dc are 2 and 4 so only one in school and thats only pt) I am looking for evening work but there is bugger all about atm. And it would be shit to have to go out to work in the evening, we'd barely see eachother.

I'm sick of it. I was so much happier in some ways as a single parent. But I want to be a proper family and all live under the same roof.

OP posts:
Cyclops99 · 01/06/2011 15:35

My DD does find it hard that she works a 40 hour week yet some off her ex school mates are given a home etc just because they have the ability to breed. School mates who lived at home, in leafy suburbia, owner/occupying parents who can provide a roof for the extended family. Not vulnerable teens in awful circumstances. Yet still the tax payer coughs up.
I'm sorry but it's wrong!

expatinscotland · 01/06/2011 15:37

'....Said by Boilingpoint who is lucky enough to pop out to work leaving DP home looking after the kids.'

But she wasn't talking about lone parents, because the OP has a partner now.

DH and I swapped shifts before. It sucks, but it wasn't forever. In the OP's situation, perhaps it's just till the younger one goes to school on the partner pays his debt off.

Cyclops99 · 01/06/2011 15:39

I know the OP doesn't fit into this category but neither does she fit into the single mum, can't work evenings because there's no one to look after the children category.

Original poster
worriedsinglemum · 01/06/2011 15:42

To those who have said could he reduce his payments on his debt - not really, as he wants his credit rating to stay intact as we want to get a mortgage sometime in the future and buy our own place. fat chance

so DMP or bankruptcy not an option. he has about 2 years left to pay so not too bad.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 01/06/2011 15:44

I know expat ,but its bloody hard getting a job to fit in around kids and the stupid entitled and flatscreen tv posts seem to be flooding MN atm

MotherSnacker · 01/06/2011 15:46

I can sympathise, but you really only have a choice of getting evening or weekend work or booting him out. I agree with getorf about being better off in the long run working when you dp isn't.

It's silly that he is liable for your kids when he has his own. Noone is better off on benefit in the long term though, you just end up unemployable and trapped.

Ignore the benefit bashers. If they don't have the empathy to engage with the realities of your situation, well, they can just fuck off. Smile

ohanotherone · 01/06/2011 15:48

I'm not sure why OP is chuckling at the thought of taking in ironing, if your neighbourhood isn't appropriate then exactly how far would you have to go before people would give you ironing to do? My guess is not that far.

Before the excuses start to flow bear in mind that I work 30 miles away from where I live, my husband works 80 miles away.

HerRoyalNotness · 01/06/2011 16:01

Worried My mother's ironing lady didn't live in our neighbourhood, in fact, she lived in a better one that us. She used to drop the ironing in on the way to work and pick it up after. Do up some flyers and drop them in letterboxes in a neighbourhood that looks like it would pay for ironing. If you drive, you can always offer a pickup to get you started with some clients.

MillyR · 01/06/2011 16:04

OAO, I'm not making a judgement one way or another about benefits. Most people with kids do get some sort of benefit, often tax credits.

There aren't 4 adults responsible for these kids. There is the OP, her new partner, and his ex. The OP's ex isn't taking any responsibility for the kids, from what the OP has said. She is now living in a household that is solely or partially responsible for 4 kids rather than 2 (or perhaps more than 4 - the OP hasn't said). The Government is treating them as responsible only for 2, and will calculate their income accordingly. As most families get tax credits, the OP, whether working or not, will be relatively poorer than other families, because her tax credits are worked out on their being 2 kids in the household, but her household is actually paying towards 4.

The ex partner of OP's partner, on the other hand, is having her tax credits (if she gets them - she might be a millionaire) worked out without the money her former partner pays for the children being taken into account. She is then relatively better off than another person who got that income through working, because income from work is taken into account when awarding tax credits.

This all seems unfair. The Op's household should have their tax credits adjusted based on their income after the money has been sent to the other household. The other household should have their tax credits adjusted based on their income after they had received money from the former partner.

MillyR · 01/06/2011 16:06

Although I've just posted how things should be, the OP should deal with how things are. How things are is that if she wants to live with a man who already has kids, she will be poorer whether she works or not.

Wellnerfermind · 01/06/2011 16:15

This threads got nearly everything, Sahms, feckless exs, benefits, CSA, debt.

Can you say if you breast or bottle fed? Views on Greggs?

I'm sure we could have more.

Original poster
worriedsinglemum · 01/06/2011 16:17

This threads got nearly everything, Sahms, feckless exs, benefits, CSA, debt.

Can you say if you breast or bottle fed? Views on Greggs?

I'm sure we could have more.

:o

bottle fed greggs ok

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 01/06/2011 16:22

"It is ridiculous to expect her children to be worse off because the government taxes her"

Given that the OP had two children and chose to live on benefits and now still doesnt work as her new DP provides for them, shes not being taxed anything!

Its life, you have children and you work to support them. If you dont like working nights or weekends then work in the day and pay childcare like millions do. You can hardly moan about the lack of money for nice things when you dont actually earn anything.

ohanotherone · 01/06/2011 16:28

LOL, Grin WSM I know what you are frustrated about and do sympathise with a system that discriminates against a two person stable family unit rather than a single parent scenario but you have to see that many people don't have sympathy with people who are on benefits because they find ways to avoid that scenario and are often in worse situations and are paying out for people on benefits, that's why you haven't got much sympathy.

BTW....Breastfed (after initial formula top ups), Nearest Greggs miles away, had cream cakes from one once and they were lovely.

ohanotherone · 01/06/2011 16:33

Actually I breastfed and used real nappies because I couldn't afford formula and disposables!!!!

MotherSnacker · 01/06/2011 16:42

People don't always choose to be on benefit. Quite often they are trapped.

Original poster
worriedsinglemum · 01/06/2011 16:43

I know what you are frustrated about and do sympathise with a system that discriminates against a two person stable family unit rather than a single parent scenario.

Thats what i mean ohanotherone

I don't (and didn't) WANT to be on benefits. TBH I found the whole process I had to go through very demeaning. Weeks of to-ing and fro-ing to the jobcentre and housing office jumping through hoops, and being made to feel like the worst scum on earth by the staff. But once they were all in place I was pretty nicely off. And my point is it isn't fair that a single parent on benefits can be better off financially on her/his own. It does discriminate. Thats exactly what it does.

And I also agree with a poster further upthread who suggested (something along the lines of) that tax credits should take into account what a family have to pay out, not just what they get paid.

OP posts:
redrobin · 01/06/2011 16:46

god op my heart bleeds for you...my DH and I work all hours to support our family, don't have nights out or takeaways...at least you are spending time with your children. these threads make me spit.

MotherSnacker · 01/06/2011 16:50

You won't be nicely off much longer. What with HB cuts and the fact that benefits won't be going up with the price of everything, claimants are actually in for a fairly miserable time of it. You are better off with a partner and the option of part time work.

AbsDuCroissant · 01/06/2011 16:57

Listen to GetOrf, she's very wise. She's MN's very own single mom done good.

If possible, try and find a job a) to help bring in some income and b) because it's a million times harder getting a job when you're unemployed than when you're employed. It's even harder if you've been out of the job force for a few years.

baboos · 01/06/2011 17:02

If you really feel paid employment is not a viable option, you stated DP only had 2 years left to pay off his debts......... two years of struggling is nothing, many have a life time of struggling with disabilities, poverty, opression........think about it, and stop bloody complaining.

crazynanna · 01/06/2011 17:21

A few months ago,a Tesco Local opened up just down the road. According to the local press,there were 12 vacancies,and 17 people applying for each job.

Also,our local bakery advertised for a Saturday Person....the queue was so long,I thought they were giving away free bloody cakes!

Cyclops99 · 01/06/2011 17:38

crazynanna Harvester near me was only given planning permission if it advertised its jobs at the local Job Centre only. Out of 100 chosen for training only 2/3 turned up...most of those to take up employment were not from the local indigenous population despite there being a large area nearby with many people on benefits......Some areas DO have jobs and can't fill them.

StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2011 17:39

"And I also agree with a poster further upthread who suggested (something along the lines of) that tax credits should take into account what a family have to pay out, not just what they get paid.
"

Why?

usualsuspect · 01/06/2011 17:42

Maybe it depends where you live ..when a local pub became a wetherspoons round here ,hundreds of people applied for the jobs