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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering kicking DP out so I can go back on benefits, fed up of being fucked financially?

191 replies

worriedsinglemum · 01/06/2011 09:56

I have namechanged for this. Its tongue in cheek, I wouldn't really, I love him, he really is great and a good "stepdad" to my dc. they adore him and I love living with him but I hate constantly struggling.

DP moved in with me and my 2 dc few months ago and I had been a single mum on benefits for a while up till that point. We informed the relevant authorities and my HB and IS was stopped completely and my child tax credit has been cut by about a 3rd. We get about £50 a week CTC (for now, have just filled in renewal so could change, and, I suspect, won't be for the better) plus child benefit. X doesnt work so he can't contribute towards DC. I can't believe how skint we are since he has moved in and TBH it is already affecting our (usually great) relationship in lots of shitty ways. we can't afford anything other than the bare basics and I am sick of having no spare money.

He earns 22k. He pays the rent and CT at my place, which is £500. He pays £250 a month maintenance to X who he has dc with, he has debts which the repayments are about £200 pcm at the moment. Then with food, gas, electric, dc clothes and his diesel to get to work on top, All of that comes to more than he earns. So the rest is covered by the CTC and CB I receive. When we lived separately he was in a houseshare so his rent/bills were minimal and we had lots of nights out etc and treats, we even went on holiday abroad for a week. That won't happen this year.

I can't really work in the day atm as the childcare would wipe out anything I could earn. (dc are 2 and 4 so only one in school and thats only pt) I am looking for evening work but there is bugger all about atm. And it would be shit to have to go out to work in the evening, we'd barely see eachother.

I'm sick of it. I was so much happier in some ways as a single parent. But I want to be a proper family and all live under the same roof.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
worriedsinglemum · 01/06/2011 10:42

We knew he could pay less to his own DC as he has moved in with me but both of us felt it was unfair on them so he chose to still pay the same.

I agree its disgraceful that if a father moves in with someone with their own DC he can pay less to his DC, wtf is that about? Confused

As for my DC dad, well, what can I say, he is an arse. I wouldn't trust him to be reliable childcare as he is always messing me about and doesn't even like having them one day a fortnight at the moment. Angry

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/06/2011 10:44

He should be paying a fiver a week from his benefits, though, OP! That would at least fund a takeway a month for his kids.

rosie1979 · 01/06/2011 10:44

YABU. Not meaning to sound off but you can always work, especially as your kids dad does not work, one of your children is at school and your 2 year old could go to pre school which is a nominal amount.

I am a recent single mum and I dont claim a single benefit except child benefit - I am lucky (?) that my ex pays the mortgage but I work part time (I have 2 dc's, same ages as you near enough) - and constantly juggle. Thats life.

bubblecoral · 01/06/2011 10:50

I feel for you. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Being skint is shit. But it's life, and you just have to get on with it.

Do as we do and just keep hoping for the lucky numbers to come up.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 01/06/2011 10:56

I feel for your predicament but your post does grate a bit - benefits are supposed to be there to provide a cushion for those who really need it to live. They're not there to fund nights out and holidays.
An evening job doesn't have to mean every evening; two nights bar work or supermarket work a week could make all the difference to your income.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/06/2011 10:56

I really wish this government would make it law that parents are financially responsible for their children until adulthood, regardless of any other children they choose to step-parent.

Not aimed at you, OP, other than at your feckless ex who should be made to pay maintenance whether he sees the children or not, but at the posters who are suggesting reduced maintenance payments... morally bankrupt. Hmm

MumblingRagDoll · 01/06/2011 11:02

"It would be shit to have to work in the evening" Hmm

Its even shitter being skint. Three nights a week won't harm you! Your DC are toddlers now...why do you think you should have a better standard of living if you won't worK?

I work 5 evenings a week and we struggle. I wouldn't dream of sitting on my arse and moaning. My DC are 6 and 3 and I have worked evenings since DD1 was one year old.

MumblingRagDoll · 01/06/2011 11:05

There are always jobs cleaning, in bars and in the care system. I have done all of those. Look harder and you will get a better standard of living.

GetOrf · 01/06/2011 11:11

Good on you OP for thinking he should still pay the same for his kids.

If you got a job now yes most of the money would go on childcare, but there is a cost to having kids (My childcare used to cost more than my rent, I was skint for years). What you will gain is valuable years of experience in a job, and when both your kids go to school you will be financially a lot better off. You need to play the long game - yes you will struggle for a couple of years, but yoy are struggling now anwyay. You will find it easier to get a job now than if you waited another three years.

I knew loads of people who worked back to back shifts - it is ideal as you have 2 lots of income but no childcare costs. I really would look at this. Yes it is hard on a couple but you have to make some sacrifices in life. Better to see less of each other and earn some money so you are not skint, rather than spending every evening together and bicker because you have no money and resentment is building on both sides.

Snuppeline · 01/06/2011 11:33

Like the others have said, its life. Doesn't make it any easier but there you go. What I do to make enough to cover the unforseen extras are babysitting. If your good you get a few families and before you know it you are making perhaps £20 a week sitting a night or two. If that doesn't suit you do you have any skills? There's a market for nice child related things, like home-made dresses and bedspreads and toybaskets and curtains and other decorative textiles for nursery/childsroom. I'm no good myself otherwise I would take it up and sell on ebay. Perhaps you could try something similar? Is your bf good with his hands? Could he make something and sell?

EttiKetti · 01/06/2011 11:38

Sounds a little like my life, except I work as well as DH - there is no way we could manage on his wage alone. You will get childcare help from tax credits, so get hunting for a job :) Since my DC3 was born I have worked evenings, weekends, term time, full time, part time, from home when inbetween jobs, you name it - but we HAVE to keep my income coming in, small as it is, to keep us afloat!

good luck :)

lesley33 · 01/06/2011 11:49

Well unlike other posters I sympathise with you. It is hard when your OH is working, but you would have been better off in benefits. But unfortunately it isn't that uncommon.

I do think it is good advice to think of what you could do to make yourself more employable when your children go to school. This might for example be looking at studying for 1 day a week - some colleges have free child care.

GetOrf · 01/06/2011 11:51

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP - it is shit being skint, it is all well and good having theoretical morals but when you have so little money things are very hard.

I do think getting a job, even if it is in the evening for 4 nights a week, would be fare better for the OP than living seperately and going back on benefits.

ohanotherone · 01/06/2011 11:53

So you and your new partner had lots of nights out and treats even though you have really young children (who looked after them then?) but you can't get an evening job? I think the real issue is that you and your X have been so cushioned by the benefit system you've lost sight of the real world. Stop looking to the government to support you and your family and sort yourself out.

2gorgeousboys · 01/06/2011 12:02

Whilst DS1 was small I worked evenings 4 days a week so that we did not have childcare costs. The only time we spent as a family was the 15 minutes in the car when he took me to work as they were in bed when I got home. Whilst it was difficult it meant we could both earn without all (plus some) of my salary being spent on childcare.

We made the most of weekends and holidays and knew that it was only for a short period. Once DS1 was in school I'd managed to get myself a better job at the same company which allowed me to work part time days when DS2 was born and now they are at school I have a good job and work full time. It was definately worth the difficult evenings to give us the financial gains we got from me working evenings and it meant DH was involved with things like bathtime and bedtime for DS1 which gave him confidence with the children.

lesley33 · 01/06/2011 12:03

I know lots of people are advising you to look at evening jobs, but I also know it isn't always that simple to find something. When we were in a similar situation I was lucky to find a job on a Saturday morning and that worked really well as it didn't really affect family time.

I also think you need to find very cheap ways of building in treats otherwise everything feels much harder. It might be picnics, free days out where you live or making sweets at home - we made our own crisps as well. I don't know where you live but there are lots of free family things in my city and I am always surprised people don't take more advantage of these.

MillyR · 01/06/2011 12:06

The OP's new partner cannot support two families at once; he doesn't earn enough. He either has to move out and support the old one or stay put and support the new one, but he can't afford to do both.

The OP's children shouldn't have a reduced standard of living just because this partner has moved in. It isn't fair on them. Whether the OP works or not, she is going to be financially better off as a single parent if the new partner is paying for children from a previous relationship.

GetOrf · 01/06/2011 12:08

Milly this is why the OP should get a job in order to pay for her own children.

They are not babies, they are old enough for her to get at least a PT job.

MillyR · 01/06/2011 12:12

But even if she does have a job, her children would be financially better off without this man living there. It is ridiculous to expect her children to be worse off because the government taxes her based on him being there, when in reality he cannot contribute.

That was clear in my first post.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/06/2011 12:12

Evening jobs are not that easy to come by at the moment. Remember that everyone's skint and chasing extra jobs. Also, if the OP's XP is an unreliable arse, it's no good suggesting that he minds the kids while she goes to work, because he won't - he will let her down repeatedly so she loses any job she manages to get. Some year ago when I was managing a team of workers I had a couple of mums who were repeatedly mucked about like this by their DC's fathers (ringing them 20 minues before they were due to leave for work to say 'Not having DC today, sorry', etc). I was sympathetic but due to the nature of the work I had to let them both go in the end as it was so hard on other staff.

GetOrf · 01/06/2011 12:13

Yes you are right, just read it properly again.

boilingpoint · 01/06/2011 13:37

its shit isnt it..i am finding it hard to sympathise with your situation

My DP works tues-sat 6am-3pm and then he walks through the door and i go to work 3.30pm till 8pm monday to friday, by the time saturday comes around i am so tired as often i am up with DD at 5am.

The thing is when you have kids and make choices to be a family you have to do what is right for the family. me and DP hardly see each other and we never get 5 minutes to ourselves as we tend to be in bed by 9pm! unfortunatley gone is the day where we can rely on the man to go to work and support the woman to stay at home, the cost of living just doesnt allow it. relying on benefits for income is wrong and not right for your family as there is no pride and sense of achievment at the end of the month when money goes in your bank, I sleep better in the knowledge that we have earnt our money and actually earnt the chinky at the end of the month!

I really detest people saying "there is just no work" because it is bollocks! there is always work - Supermarkets, Warehouse picking, fast food outlets, cleaning, farm work..that just names a few, no they are not ideal and are not careers however it is work and it pays money at the end of the month.

Sometimes our circumstances end up going against us, but as decent human beings we deal with them in the right way, then we suck it up and move on and do what we have to do to set a decent example to our children!

katvond · 01/06/2011 13:45

I agree with boilingpoint,there is work out there,I have even picked daffs and cauliflowers to make ends meet. Those sort of jobs are easy and you chose your hours I do it most spring and make decent money.
And relying on benefits is wrong to me unless you can't work through illness. Thats the problem with our economy its the workshy and no OP I am not calling you that,but we all have to do crap jobs to makes end meets.

ohanotherone · 01/06/2011 13:47

The attitude that...oh well, the man that I decided to have children with doesn't work and my new man doesn't earn enough to keep me and the family that he has had children with so therefore the government should pay because I wouldn't get much extra if I work is exactly why this country is is a mess.

People who are disabled and elderly are having services slashed because we can't actually keep forking out for everyones lifestyle choices anymore. The OP clearly can work and if she can't find a job then she should get support to study so that she can get one. I didn't work, then my husband got ill and our income went down to 19K so I got off my backside, starting studying again and got a part time job. I don't get much money out of it as it's quite far away and petrol and childcare costs eat it up but it means that if I have to go full time if husband got poorly again I am in a good position to do so.

This means that I benefit, my children benefit, the childminder benefits and the government doesn't have to pay out so the money can be spent on more deserving people than myself.