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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum should offer a little financial help

308 replies

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 15:20

If you are struggling to make ends meet and your parents (well just my Mum in my case) know about this do you think they should offer you some kind of financial help if they can? Just wondering everyone's take on this, don't want to go into personal details particularly but it grates just a little bit when my Mum is buying and selling properties and investing lots of money alongside taking a holiday abroad every few months. I told her about a debt situation and she said 'well, our money is all tied up'. This is towards her pension.
I don't expect hand outs but just the odd bit of help would be appreciated.
What do others parents do, if anything?

OP posts:
katvond · 31/05/2011 17:29

Sorry usualsuspect my fault regarding that post sounded very suss and thought it was the OP. Aplogises :)
No troll hunting here, just head banging against wall at OP

rookiemater · 31/05/2011 17:36

Another thing to remember is that when people are older they won't be able to take these holidays forever. When my parents first retired they took long trips to NZ and had a great time, but now they are in their 70s Mum doesn't like flying as it"upsets her stomach" and doesn't like her routine being put out, so why shouldn't they have holidays when they are young enough to enjoy them.

MrsTittleMouse · 31/05/2011 17:38

It sounds as though you wish that your Mum was a bit more emotionally supportive and the money thing has got mixed up with that. Which is understandable, and I have sympathy, but is still wrong. My own family has one branch where there is a great deal of assymetry in the degree of financial help and I found it hard at first - you just need to get over it though; you cannot dictate how people spend their money, however daft, or unfair or enabling you think it might be.

If you have been struggling to budget and have built up debt, then I highly recommend forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76 or forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76. There are a lot of people on these sort of forums who have been in debt and sorted themselves out. Also a lot of stories of people who have bailed out children and made the problem worse, but you're not going to be one of those. :)

hairylights · 31/05/2011 17:38

Yabu.

MrsTittleMouse · 31/05/2011 17:39

Whoops! That other forum was supposed to be boards.fool.co.uk/dealing-with-debt-50079.aspx. :)

hairylights · 31/05/2011 17:47

Yabu.

worraliberty · 31/05/2011 17:54

There are indulgent pensioners around and you will know what I am talking about if you know any

Yes, spending (shock horror!) their own friggin money!

God you should be ashamed of yourself, you sound so bitter and twisted Sad

scuzy · 31/05/2011 18:13

i see nothing has changed since been gone.

Tsil · 31/05/2011 18:25

It makes me sad that some people put their own needs above that of others. Why OP are you more entitled to the money for swimming lessons than your mum for a holiday. She has worked for that money, and yes my parents would go without for me or my siblings but non of us would ever ask them to.

I think you need to grow up and take a long hard look in the mirror at the person you are becoming because I think if you carry on down this road of blaming your lack of holidays and your mums lack of cash handouts for your issues then you will end up very bitter and miserable indeed.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/05/2011 18:25

Oh the received mn wisdom is that once you're an adult your parents should never give you money.

However many of my friends have received/receive help from their parents be it money for houses/cars/school fees etc. They're not feckless but have very comfortable parents who just want to make their children's lifes easier.

So when I'm older - I would love to be able to help my children out financially if possible.

But obviously would hope to have taught them financial responsibility so the 'help' was a lovely surprise rather than being necessary to stop bailiffs arriving. Although push comes to shove - I'd pay off their debts and make them pay me back interest-free - well I'd do that once anyway.

Adversecamber · 31/05/2011 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 18:29

I agree rookiemater. The problem I have is with my mum and her lack of support.
By indulgent pensioners I mean those baby boomers who have so much money they literally do not know what to do with it anymore and for whom booking holidays and shopping becomes a hobby. They don't need that much indulgence surely? Sorry for talking out of turn, yes, obviously they have earned that money in a very beneficial property market, they can spend it as they wish but there must be more to life than that? Don't expect anyone to understand my point...

OP posts:
Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 18:30

MrsCampbellBlack is talking about the ideal situation as far as I can see. That's what I woudl like to see happening with my children.

OP posts:
bellavita · 31/05/2011 18:32

Fgs OP, suck up that you have overpsent and stop being so bloody bitter that your mum is enjoying her money.

I would never ever begrudge my parents their holidays or a new car or whatever they buy.

Yes we did struggle for money when I gave up my full time job when I our DS's were born but I did evening work to bring some cash in for treats, I would never ever expect my parents to bail me out.

coccyx · 31/05/2011 18:33

their money their choice surely.
You spent more than you had. Stupid thing to do.
These people who you dsilike , are spending money they do actually have and earnt.
Your debt, your problem

Pagwatch · 31/05/2011 18:38

I think people understand your point op, but some of us don't agree with it entirely.

Not all baby boomers just sauntered through life. Many had very difficult times when there children were young and have worked all their lives. Their holidays and shopping have been hard earned.

Maybe your mother was idle and was gifted her income through chance.
My mum worked from 14 , brought up 8 children with a fraction of the appliances and help that I have and, when her children were grown, went back out to work until she was 70.
If she wants to fritter she can fritter. She has earnt it

I can understand your frustration and it sou ds as if you have other issues with her. But unless she was more lucky than most of us she has done without, worked, done her best for her children (whatever that may be) and thinks she has equipped her children to be independent adults.

If my dcs thought I had had it easy I would be pretty Hmm

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 18:38

I take it on the chin coccyx. I will still be looking for ways to help my kids out in the future, if I feel they need me to.

OP posts:
Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 18:40

I know a lot of baby boomers haven't had it easy, silly point.

OP posts:
bellavita · 31/05/2011 18:42

And we have told our boys we will spend all our money on an Aston Martin and fabulous holidays when they move out so they can expect nowt!

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 18:44

Good for you Bellavita, sounds like the best way to be judging by everyone's reactions to my question. Enjoy! Wine

OP posts:
Fernie3 · 31/05/2011 18:45

They don't HAVE to although I cant imagine having money that my children needed and not offerng to help at least partially make life a little easier for them if I could.
My dad makes me laugh he is quite wealthy now ( only in his early 50s so not ancient lol) and doesn't "believe" in giving money to family - fine thats up to him BUT he seems to have easily forgotten all the phonecalls made to my mothers parents when I was a child asking for money for bills etc (he's seems to think I don't remember - I do) and the fact that their first house was heavily contributed towards by both his parents and my mums parents - this must be different somehow. Ah well!.

wordfactory · 31/05/2011 18:46

I dunno...when I was little and we fell on hard times my Nanna bailed us out more times than I care to remember.
She had almost nothing but what she did have she would share.

My Mum is the same. If she had a fiver in her purse she would give me four pounds of it.

I'll be the same with my children i know. I just couldn't enjoy a cruise if I thought my DC or their children were doing without.
I had the luck of going to uni when it was free.
There were jobs to be had every holiday.
I bought my first flat on a 100% mortgage...

My DC aren't going to come of age in a world like that...so I will do everything I can to help them.

Pagwatch · 31/05/2011 18:48

Grin at silly point.

I am sorry op for my ridiculous point.
But not all baby boomers made money out of the property market. You rather inferred that baby boomers with cash to spend just rode the property market. I was suggesting that, shockingly, some just worked hard.
If you don't want to be troubled with silly points then step away from the stupid generalisations.

But be rude if you wish. I am one of the few on the thread who has tried to engage with you rather than shouting at you.

Your charm offensive is failing a little ....

Your mum is suddenly looking more reasonable to me and I was one of I think 2 people sticking with you.
Way to go Grin

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 18:51

I know a lot of baby boomers haven't had it easy, silly point.
I meant it was a silly point for ME to have made, apologies. Wrongly worded.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 31/05/2011 18:51

Fernie my in laws are the same. They tell tales of their parents funding school shoes and helping out when things were short. They also had a lot of help with childcare...yet they wouldn't give anyone the dripppings from their noses.

Thank God we have never needed anything