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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum should offer a little financial help

308 replies

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 15:20

If you are struggling to make ends meet and your parents (well just my Mum in my case) know about this do you think they should offer you some kind of financial help if they can? Just wondering everyone's take on this, don't want to go into personal details particularly but it grates just a little bit when my Mum is buying and selling properties and investing lots of money alongside taking a holiday abroad every few months. I told her about a debt situation and she said 'well, our money is all tied up'. This is towards her pension.
I don't expect hand outs but just the odd bit of help would be appreciated.
What do others parents do, if anything?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 20:05

'I wouldn't care if my cash were hard earned or won of the lottery...I would want to see my DC and their children comfortable.'

Those OP is a homeowner with a decent job! Hardly uncomfortable, on the breadline, poverty-stricken.

COCKadoodledooo · 31/05/2011 20:56

wordfactory Tue 31-May-11 19:22:41

I wouldn't care if my cash were hard earned or won of the lottery...I would want to see my DC and their children comfortable.

Those banquets on board cruises would choke me if I thought my grandchildren were doing without. Really they would.

^^^ This is the same attitude as my parents wordfactory. Unlike the op though, I don't think they should offer help. Couldn't be further from that in fact. I didn't ask my dad for help, he offered.

ohmyfucksy · 31/05/2011 21:00

If lots of spare cash (and if the debt wasn't a stupid one) then yes.

But you've got quite a lot of time to make money back, whereas your mother only has a finite amount to rely on for her pension. And who knows what one will be able to get off the state in 20 years, probably fuck all

FabbyChic · 31/05/2011 21:25

My mum used to help me, when I needed a washing machine, a kids bed, bought my expensive leather suite. But she done it because she was trying to buy my love for no other reason. She has never supported me emotionally, or been a proper mother. I much would rather have had that.

Ive not spoken to her for four years.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 21:43

My DH now knows all about it and is very angry with me as he wishes I had just come to him before about the whole thing. He is supporting me though.
I have never been bailed out before, I got into debt in my 20s consolidated it in a loan and paid it all off.

OP posts:
Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 21:44

Trip trap etc. what's that all about?

OP posts:
Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 21:46

COCKadoodledooo I think I would just like to think that my mum might offer.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 22:06

Well, it doesn't appear she will offer. So stop wasting your energy and turn it to something more positive, more proactive.

COCKadoodledooo · 31/05/2011 22:12

Yeah, but you said in your op that it grates that she's spending her money on things for her. Me I couldn't be happier that my folks do that in their retirement, they've worked bloody hard for it.

Never occurred to me that they'd help us out, I certainly wouldn't have assumed they would/should.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 31/05/2011 22:36

Once you're an adult, no matter how much money your parents have, and whether or not it's hard earned or won in the lottery, they are under no obligation to support you. I would never dream of asking for help from my parents.

In fact, my dad often jokes if he ever won the lottery, he wouldn't give me a single penny from the first 1m. Anything over and above that, I get 2%.

1m sounds like an awful lot of money to most people but I wouldn't dare challenge his judgement, dreams and aspirations for himself. He has done his job, and he's already sacrificed much for me. If he ever wins the lotto he deserves it.

whackamole · 31/05/2011 22:52

No.

I'm not a child anymore. It's my responsibility. I might accept help if I knew my parent could afford it comfortably.

georgie22 · 31/05/2011 22:53

Since finishing university I've never asked my parents for any money. However they have been extremely generous in giving us money for various projects around our house - this has all been voluntary on their part and they feel they would prefer to do this now and see us enjoy the outcomes rather than leaving me to eventually inherit the money. We're hugely grateful and see them lots, helping out with things if needed. Dh and I are in a fortunate position that we have no personal debt, other than our mortgage and certainly don't waste money and we both work hard. Things may be different if they saw us spending on non-essential items and 'wasting' money. I have borrowed money from them in the past (towards a car) and paid this back on a standing order.

From the example we have been given by my parents Dh and I plan to help our children as much as we can into adult life. I would prefer they came to us to borrow money rather than taking out a loan.

NestaFiesta · 31/05/2011 23:23

My parents went without just about bloody everything to raise us 3 kids. They were skint and studying when we were growing up and worked hard to qualify and get good jobs. Since they spent their 20s, 30s and early 40s dedicating themselves completely to us children, I do not begrudge them a single penny of their hard earned retirement funds. If they want to go on ten holidays a year then it's entirely up to them.

In fact, I would prefer it if my Dad sold his house and spent the money travelling instead of leaving it to us.

Parents owe you a decent childhood and adolesence. After that- you owe THEM.

jasper · 01/06/2011 00:19

SO true NestaFiesta

nijinsky · 01/06/2011 01:25

Your parents give you so much when they are bringing you up. I don't think its fair to ask them to support you when an adult when they are nearing retirement. No doubt they faced the same challenges you are now facing when bringing you up. As an adult you should stand on your own two feet. Some parents may choose to help but IMHO independence is the biggest gift parents can give to a child.

nijinsky · 01/06/2011 01:32

muttimaltwo I think that makes me fairly normal. I don't begrudge my mother her holidays, I do begrudge my stepdad freeloading off her inheritance. (there now, I've said it)

Perhaps the issue is more to do with the inheritance then? Perhaps you feel, if it was a close relative, that you should have been given a part of it? Or that your stepfather is benefitting from a family inheritance? Which might be colouring your opinion on the matter. I would have some sympathy for you then, as you would have to be inhuman not to think like that if it is indeed this way.

cherrysodalover · 01/06/2011 02:25

Gosh- I pay my parents petrol money when they kindly helped me out recently but had to travel some distance to do the favour. I would have to be in dire straits to ask them for a loan and I would feel bad as they have a small pension and i want them to enjoy their savings on themselves not bailing me out.I feel like I should be paying for them now they are in their 70's and i approach my 40s .

You can always ask and explain you are happy to pay interest on the loan.

Morloth · 01/06/2011 07:44

I think my kids would have to be going hungry/homeless before I would accept money from anyone in my family.

It would just feel so wrong. They worked so hard for it so it would be a bit bloody cheek for me to expect any of it for nothing.

As for inheritance, I think they should spend it on themselves, I will make my own way.

Your mother can spend her money on her husband if she wants, it is none of your business.

lesley33 · 01/06/2011 08:38

I think OP you are being given an unneccessarily hard time. Soory for the long post. I think:

  1. Its natural to feel envious of others having a great time when you are struggling.
  2. Although some people never get any help from their parents after 18 years old, some do - and not necessarily just when they need it.

However, I think:

  1. The fact that your mum is married to a stepdad makes things more difficult. It may make it harder for your mum as your stepdad may not want your mum to "bail you out". You feel more envious because you don't think your stepdad is entitled to spend the money your mum has. And your mum won't want to start a "row" with your stepdad - at her age, if the marriage is generally good, the idea of starting a big row that maybe could jeapordise her marriage and leave her fearing that she may be on her own in her old age, is very very scary. Even if there is no realistic chance of this happening, she may still fear it.
  1. I haven't read if your mum and dad had any help or not from their parents? Sometimes when people have had no help from their parents they justify that by thinking that is the way it should be always.
  1. You say you didn't have any trips out or holidays when you were younger. It is impossible for strangers to know why that is. But sometimes people are afraid to spend money on anything seen as unneccessary - having some savings provides a form of security. My gran was like this and would never pay for anything that wasn't essential. If this is the case, your step dad may actually be a good influence by getting her to feel more secure and actually spending money on enjoying herself. And she may not have that many years when she will be well enough to enjoy holidays, so is packing them in while she has the chance.
  1. You obviously feel bitter about the lack of trips and holidays as a child. Although that will make your envy worse and is understandable, it will colour how you view the whole situation.
  1. The fact that you haven't posted details of anything you have bought that you needed apart from a pushchair, makes me wonder how essential the things you bought were? If you paid for things like a cooker, food, repairs to the roof and leaking windows, a bed, etc then I have every sympathy for you. If however the things you bought weren't really essential but nice to have, then your mum may just think you have been feckless and thus she shouldn't help you out. I have heard older people complain that young people these days want their houses to look good straight away whereas when they were younger the furniture for their house was bought gradually as they could afford it.
  1. Given the complicating emotional factors and your stepdad I think borrowing money could be a disaster. In these situations you can for example end up with the person lending money criticising the borrower for every purchase that they don't think is essential. If however you need food or a gas bill paying I think it is fine to ask for help with these essential items. Although if you did so I would make sure that your mum knew what you were doing to sort your financial mess.

And good luck.

Ormirian · 01/06/2011 08:43

If I had it to spare I'd give it. Without question.

Goblinchild · 01/06/2011 08:50

'My DH now knows all about it and is very angry with me as he wishes I had just come to him before about the whole thing. He is supporting me though.
I have never been bailed out before, I got into debt in my 20s consolidated it in a loan and paid it all off.'

Your DH wasn't aware that you were in such financial need as a family that you were driving yourself into debt? What sort of a partnership do you have?
Or were you spending on non-essentials?

glassofwhiteanybody · 01/06/2011 08:52

I don't think parents have a duty or responsibility to support grown up children, although if I could afford it I would probably want to, so long as I was satisfied I could support myself in my old age.

In your original post you said I don't expect hand outs but just the odd bit of help would be appreciated. but as the thread went on it became increasingly clear that you do expect it and I disagree with that

janelikesjam · 01/06/2011 10:00

My view is that some adult children are much more vulnerable than others e.g. through illness, being a single parent, bad luck etc (I am not talking about fecklessness) and if parents can help why shouldn't they if they are very comfortable themselves.

There is also the matter of sharing our "good fortune". If we cannot share it with family and loved ones, who can we share it with?

katvond · 01/06/2011 10:43

The fact of the matter is her DH new bugger all. Why we all ask as she was buying non essentials like new handbags, dresses etc. Not a new washing machine. She's in debt as she thinks well if I waste 20k mommy will pay it off as shes so rich.
I'm sorry no one as seen the OP to what she really is.... Spoilt brat

katvond · 01/06/2011 10:47

And janelikesjam the OP is not vunerable, she's wants it all.
Is her DH beating her. No
Is she homeless. No
Is she being made homeless. No

The fact is she overspent on things no way is this person vulnerable she's a spoilt brat who's still whinging about it now.
If she was vulnerable she would come on here and say it, she's told us everything bloody else. No I'm not harsh I'm just truthful.

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