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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum should offer a little financial help

308 replies

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 15:20

If you are struggling to make ends meet and your parents (well just my Mum in my case) know about this do you think they should offer you some kind of financial help if they can? Just wondering everyone's take on this, don't want to go into personal details particularly but it grates just a little bit when my Mum is buying and selling properties and investing lots of money alongside taking a holiday abroad every few months. I told her about a debt situation and she said 'well, our money is all tied up'. This is towards her pension.
I don't expect hand outs but just the odd bit of help would be appreciated.
What do others parents do, if anything?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 31/05/2011 16:16

Having explained how you came to be in debt through buying stuff as if you were still f/t employed I think YABU.

We don't know what your expenses were but it could well be that your mother thinks that you have been living beyond your means and spending unnecessarily and does not see it as being her job to fund the difference. The excuse about having money tied up could either be true, or could be her way of avoiding an unpleasant discussion with you.

BulletWithAName · 31/05/2011 16:17

*I have bought my grandkids shoes/coats etc

paid for them to come on holiday with us when they have been struggling ..its what my family does *

That to me is caring. Not leaving the up shit creek without a paddle to teach them some sort of lesson.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:18

expat, I am flogging as much as I can, don't worry. I think it is fantastic that your parents are having a great retirement and enjoying a cruise.
My mum has been on eight cruises, two to the same destinations which I think they forgot when they booked. Confused

OP posts:
scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:18

so you were banking on the pushchair to be provided for by your mum? thats the impression i'm getting from you to be honest that you presummed your mum would help with the cc so you kept using them? silly.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 16:18

She's not up shit creek! She's a homeowner who works FT, not a homeless person fleeing domestic violence.

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:18

BulletWithAName - but where does it end?

Say the OP's mum goes and bails her out by a significant chunk.

BulletWithAName - but where does it end?

Say the OP's mum goes and bails her out by a significant chunk.

What then?

OP is still working part time on a portion of 25k PA (correct me if wrong, OP).

OP is still spending on things she "needs" for her family.

OP learns fuck all in the long run, basically.

Whilst OP's mum has diverted a non-liquid asset suitable for her retirement pot into helping out her financially naive daughter.

What is the point?

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:19

No I didn't want her to buy a pushchair. I just woudl have liked a bit of cash towards something, that would have been a nice gesture, that 's all.

OP posts:
scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:19

you sound very jealous of your parents income. do they visit your kids? babysit? get them presents? go to their school plays? spend time with them?

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:19

expatinscotland - glad you spotted the difference too.

You'd think the OP was homeless and rifling through bins based on some of the comments here. OP's mum is sensible, not scrooge, from the sound of it.

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:20

so you would prefer the cash than mentioned above?

expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 16:20

I don't even keep track of all the jaunts they go on, mutt. They travel a lot. It's not my business. My debts are my business. When it got too difficult to meet the minimum payments because our wage is so low, instead of moaning to them about it, or feeling they should bail us out, we contacted a debt service charity and got things under control ourselves.

It's what you do as an adult.

leares · 31/05/2011 16:20

Its not your parents job to get you out of your debt woes. Bailing people out doesn't teach them to be more financial responsible and not live beyond your means.

pranma · 31/05/2011 16:20

Well I would definitely help my dc[once took out a loan for £5000 to lend ds who had poor credit rating] but and it's a big but...I didnt do it because I 'should' but because I wanted to.
fwiw my dh is ds's step father and had no problem.Ds in 30's at the time and has since repaid all the money.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:20

I am jealous scuzy. My stepdad has no involvement with the kids but when my Mum visits she is great with them and buys small gifts.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 31/05/2011 16:21

Buying gifts is entirely different though. You are feeling aggrieved because you would like a cash sum to pay off debts you have run up.
You might feel that you couldn't help it, that you needed these things, but unless you spent all that money on heating your home and providing the most basic food and clothes for your family then you could have made different choices.

katvond · 31/05/2011 16:21

Sounds like one BIG guilt trip to me. I actually gobsmacked by the OP. No one owes you bugger all. It your responsibility and your kids fathers, not the gramps.

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:21

you are begruding your parents their nest egg that they worked hard for. as far as they are concerned they raised their kids and want to enjoy life and their grandkids....

usualsuspect · 31/05/2011 16:22

No I wasn't asked ..I'm not well off either, I just couldn't see any of my children struggle if I was in a position to help

They would do the same for me

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:22

buys "small" gifts.

there is no pleasing you. you sound very materialistic. be thankful for what you have!!!

BulletWithAName · 31/05/2011 16:22

fgaaagh- I think OP has realised that she's made a mistake and been silly with her finances. Everyone is allowed to make one mistake. I'm sure if her mum lent her the money she wouldn't do it again. (I'm assuming that this is the 1st time, feel free to correct me if wrong)

MrsTittleMouse · 31/05/2011 16:23

I agree with fgaargh - it isn't just as simple as "one family member has debts and the other has savings and therefore they should give the money to them".

I also think that the problem with large amounts of money being transferred to children like this is that what happens if the parents need that money again in old age. Will their children help them out? Highly unlikely, because those children are already supporting their own children. I would be very cautious about giving away any of the money that we hope to live on in old age.

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:24

Bulletwithaname ...i'd agree with you only that the more i read replies from OP the less sympathy i have. commenting on small gifts and cruises to same destinations etc ... instead of bitchin here that you mum wont bail you out figure out a plan to pay off your debt.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 16:24

Much of our debt was from paying rent or moving costs when we were private letting and got moved on, buying power for the meter and one catch-up bill from hell (why we're on a meter now), even buying food at times.

Such is life.

Until inflation really hit home, we were dodging along okay. Then, we weren't.

Energy costs will increase. We have NO assets according to all assessments.

Time to moan to my folks or be jealous? Nope. Time to ring Consumer Credit Counselling and change things for the better.

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:25

also MrsTittleMouse its not any good to your own kids to constantly bail them out

likale · 31/05/2011 16:26

My brother was like this he was irresponsible and asked my parents and me for a bail out otherwise he would have been made homeless. I was going to help him but then I though if I do bail him out of trouble will he learn anything from the episode? In the end I decided to not lend him money and he was evicted and whilst some may feel this cruel I think it taught him a valuable lesson and he is now a budget hawk.

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