To think my Mum should offer a little financial help

[muttimalzwei]

If you are struggling to make ends meet and your parents (well just my Mum in my case) know about this do you think they should offer you some kind of financial help if they can? Just wondering everyone's take on this, don't want to go into personal details particularly but it grates just a little bit when my Mum is buying and selling properties and investing lots of money alongside taking a holiday abroad every few months. I told her about a debt situation and she said 'well, our money is all tied up'. This is towards her pension.
I don't expect hand outs but just the odd bit of help would be appreciated.
What do others parents do, if anything?

Mutti- your mother sounds exactly like my MIL. Married to a really selfish man.

She kicked my DP out at Christmas because his step-dad wanted rid of him.

while I think the idea of a loan is not a bad one, I think the problem is that there is often an expectation of being able to default if you loan money from family.

If you are already struggling with debt repayments then perhaps your mum thinks you're not a reliable payer. (which is tbh not an unfair assumption) and as such is concerned that she'll end up giving you the money rather than loaning it to you because you will default on the payments.

Yes, it would be interesting to know how things might have turned out differently if she'd just been allowed to run her own life and make her own decisions.

I think it depends on the situation. If you're in really serious financial trouble and facing an immediate crisis like foreclosure and your parents can help then yes, they probably should. The problem comes when it become a habit to fall back on. I think in general and after a certain age parents are under no obligation to bail out their adult children. And I think doing it repeatedly makes the children very dependent.

YABU In most circumstances bailing people out of debt isn't helpful as they don't learn anything and often do it again

wannaBe I think she is probably wary of that as I would be too.

Your children are for life not just for Xmas.If you are in a position to help them out [for food,clothing,heat etc] then surely you should.You decided to have them so you should help.

No, but I don't think that because someone find themselves in financial hardship it necessarily means they are a serial overspender and will need bailing out throughout their lives.

People get in financial hardship for all sorts of reasons and I feel that families should help one another out if and when they need it.

I wouldn't think twice about helping my parents out if they needed it and neither would they if I needed help, luckily it hasn't happened yet

YAB VVVVV U.

Your mum's money is hers to do with what she wants to do. If she wants to help you out, so be it, and it would be wonderful. But guilt tripping her if she won't "lend" you the money? WTF? Am I allowed to scream SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT MUCH here?

Besides, there's different situations where people find themselves scrimping. It's not black and white.

There's a difference between poor or feckless investment / money handling vs. helping out a struggle relative who earns NMW and is just bobbing their head above water, financially.

Perhaps she knows she is doing you a better favour in the long run by refusing to enable the first type of behaviour (poor decisions, reckless spending)?

Perhaps she realises that your financial affairs are yours to deal with?

Perhaps she's not as well off as you think, or wants a comfortable retirement after struggling for years anyway?

The point is that she doesn't need to justify a damn thing to you.

Stand on your own feet and leave your parents' money in their hands - it's not yours to have by right.

I know I would be unreasonable to expect to be bailed out but it's knowing that they could help a bit (and I'm just talking about offering to put towards a big necessary purchase) and they don't at all that annoys. They have bought, completely refurbished and sold four properties in the last seven years.

Exactly dexifehatz ..Do people think they stop being your children when they hit 18?

That you stop caring about them and would see them struggle

p.s. to all the people using terms like "she should" or "you should" etc - every scenario in a family is different, and a good many cases where relatives lend each other money, it goes terribly wrong.

E.g.

• Enabling bad money management to the person getting the money

• Creating bad blood between siblings (mentality: "why have i been sensible when my feckless sister just gets bailed out by mum anyway?")

• Potential for conflict of the lender's circumstances change (e.g. a fall in a house price might mean their planned retirement is far from comfortable despite outward appearences)

seems that 18 is the cut off for any financial help then.

fgaaagh you are right. But I would help my kids out if they needed me (and weren't feckless)

Do people think they stop being your children when they hit 18?

According to the responses to the OP on this thread, I'd assume so

Sad innit?

I would certainly feel a tad guilty if I was racking up four holidays a year when I knew my daughter needed a new cooker or something.

usualsuspect, not lending someone does NOT imply you don't care about them.

Stop trying to link the two things.

An uncle of mine was in terrible, terrible debt when he was married to my aunt - she was reckless with money. But my parents' refusal to lend him money to pay off the worst debts whilst he consolidated another was the worst financial mistake of their lives - never saw a penny of it again.

Enabling offspring to not learn to stand on their own two feet is a worse thing in the long run. If you care for somene, you have their long term interests at heart - not their short term demands.

I want to know which category the OP falls into (poor NMW worker with frugal spending vs. feckless with money offspring - or somewhere inbetween?)

Really sad!

Very. I'm glad my mum and dad and DP's grandparents aren't like this, or we'd be out on the street with a baked bean tin most likely. And not because we're feckless either.

what's NMW minimum wage?

"my parents' refusal" = "my parents' lack of refusal"

I wouldn't take money off my parents, even if it were offered, unless it was a matter of becoming homeless or something seriously dire and there were no other alternative. I'd sell off anything I could, do whatever work I could drum up, etc before I took money off them.

Because they would never, ever loan it. My father does not believe in loaning money to family, he finds that an anathema.

They will need every penny to pay for their care if they need it.

I am not entitled to money I did not earn.

We have just entered in Debt Arrangement Scheme, a sort of IVA for Scotland, to pay off our debts over the course of 8 years. Our debts are ours, not our parents' (and no, it wasn't from Sky or iPhones. It was from a tax credits cock up, homlessness and moving to a council flat that hadn't so much as a hook in it from a fully-furnished house).

Why on Earth expect to be bailed out?

muttimalzwei yes, NMW = national minimum wage, which really isn't a "living" wage in 90% of the country, is it?

I've spent extra on credit cards since I've been on a part-time wage, since being a Mum basically. Been buying stuff for the house and kids that I needed or thought I needed.