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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Mum should offer a little financial help

308 replies

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 15:20

If you are struggling to make ends meet and your parents (well just my Mum in my case) know about this do you think they should offer you some kind of financial help if they can? Just wondering everyone's take on this, don't want to go into personal details particularly but it grates just a little bit when my Mum is buying and selling properties and investing lots of money alongside taking a holiday abroad every few months. I told her about a debt situation and she said 'well, our money is all tied up'. This is towards her pension.
I don't expect hand outs but just the odd bit of help would be appreciated.
What do others parents do, if anything?

OP posts:

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:07

muttimalzwei, right, so predictable costs rising in line with lowered income, right? Living costs. Not accident, illness or disability suddenly.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:08

I'm on an average wage. I have been buying things for my family, which I needed when I coudln't afford them.

OP posts:

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:08

it would depend on how you got into debt... has she loaned you money before? i would help my kids if i could depending on what the debt. if it was a case of about to lose roof over their head kinda thing i would in a heart beat but running up credit cards on stuff that wasnt necessary you'd be on your own. how else would you learn?

and just because your mum has money doesnt mean she is obliged to bail you out.

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:08

Didn't you know that you'd have to pay it (the CCs) back some day? What was your plan to pay it back?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/05/2011 16:08

OP, your Mum's money is tied up in the property. Sort this out yourself if you can. Can you get the debt put onto an interest-free card for 12 months or so? That would give you a chance to pay it back without crippling interest.

You sound annoyed at your Mum. It's not the age cut-off, but I'm wondering if you'Ve been in debt before, once or more, and she's helped you out?

Either way, you can sort this out yourself quite easily. :)

pink4ever · 31/05/2011 16:08

YANBU. I get very pissed of at inlaws who see fit to comment on the way dh asnd I live(3dcs in a 2 bed house). They could help us out if they wanted to. They make me sick actually as always go on about how they are poor pensioners but I know for a fact they have thousands in the bank. They also own a lovely home and another abroad.
Now before I get flamed I understand that they have worked hard for their money but they have also benefited by being of the baby boomer generation(being able to buy property very cheaply and sell on for huge profit).
They also go on and on to my dh about their wills and what he and his brother will get when they die. Well sorry but we could really do with some cash now and I think if they were any kind of parents they would be helping us out.
My own mum would help us if she had any spare cash but she has spent the last 20 years working her arse off so she could buy her council flat. I also know that if we were in a real crisis she would give us her last penny. To me thats what parents should do.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:09

some costs were unpredictable. We had to use up a lot of money on our house for repairs etc.

OP posts:

katvond · 31/05/2011 16:09

It's up to your mom if she as 4 hols a year. It's her money not yours if she wants to help you out she will if she doesn't she won't.
There are alot of us on the breadline here not just you.

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:09

ok muttimalzwei so it is debt and interest on credit cards. perhaps this will be a lesson not to live above your means.

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:10

By average I'm assuming 25k PA, although part time segment of it. That's more than NMW, which some people have to live on.

What is stuff that you "needed" for your family?

A woman at my work swears she "needs" all the branded baby clothes she buys hers. The woman that sits next to my left kitted her kids out in 2nd hand clothes, handmade items, reclaimed stuff (she's a bit of a hippie - i say that as a compliment) for a couple of hundred quid when she had her daughter. But both would say they "needed" their items.

joogle · 31/05/2011 16:11

Some really harsh comments on here, really glad my family isn't like this, I feel very fortunate

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:11

It is a lesson. But I still think parents should help out their kids if they can with a little extra if they wish to. Help towards swimming lessons or a pushchair, whatever.

OP posts:

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:12

i wonder was that your plan? ask your mum to help you out knowing you couldnt pay the cc andkept using them?

has she bailed you out before?

first step... cut up credit cards!!!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 31/05/2011 16:12

I think it is quite insulting to suggest that parents who aren't handing out cash left, right and centre don't care about their adult children. There are many ways to be supportive. Money is just one of them, and very often the least useful.

BulletWithAName · 31/05/2011 16:13

Tell me about it joogle (apart from MIL, but she's an arsehole anyway)

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:13

swimming lessons or push chair??? for their grandkids??? thats your job as a mother!!! ah here

again i ask has she bailed you out before??

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:14

muttimalzwei, that's your responsibility as a parent. not theirs.

we all agree it's "nice". what we don't agree on is that it's fair to expect/demand or judge them by not doing it.

If you want some practical advice on sorting your debts properly (i.e. by yourself without getting bailed out by your parents), go to Money Saving Expert's forum (just google it) - there are many people in your position. Not all of them have been placed there by their own decisions, though - sometimes it's illness or accident. They will offer much more practical advice than you can find on MN AIBU.

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:14

Aliba agree totally ... they prob care more for NOT bailing you out. wont always be there to do that. stand on your own 2 feet.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 16:14

'I'm on an average wage. I have been buying things for my family, which I needed when I coudln't afford them.'

So take matters in hand. Contact a debt service charity like Consumer Credit Counselling or National Debtline, they can help you work out a budget that allows for saving for emergencies AND work with your creditors to get your interest frozen and manageable payments over the longer term to pay your creditors.

Happened to us. So we saw a council money-advisor and decided DAS was the way forward for us, to pay our creditors what we owe at a more manageable rate over hte long-term.

Currently I'm selling some things on Ebay to buy a bed for our son.

I don't expect my folks to bail me out! And right now, they're on a cruise around the Med for my mum's 70th birthday. Grand! I hope they are having the time of their lives! My dad is closer to 80 than 70 now, he deserves to enjoy his health and life to the fullest.

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:15

Alibabaandthe80nappies - Indeed! Short sighted to think that giving cash means you care about someone. Often it's the complete opposite.

usualsuspect · 31/05/2011 16:15

Yes,some very harsh comments

I have bought my grandkids shoes/coats etc

paid for them to come on holiday with us when they have been struggling ..its what my family does

But each to their own I guess

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 31/05/2011 16:15

she has never bailed me out before. She hasn't given me any money since I was 18.Re pushchair, although you are right, it is clearly my job as a parent, I seem to hear of most grandparents round here bagsying it as the gift they want to buy for the new grandchild?

OP posts:

katvond · 31/05/2011 16:16

Swimming lessons? They are free from school OP.
I'm sorry but it's clear you've racked up debts and lived beyond your means this is your doing not your mothers. Sort your own mess out and hopefully learn from it. From reading your posts on here it's like they owe your everything, they don't your an adult stand on your own two feet. Very selfish you sound.

fgaaagh · 31/05/2011 16:16

But that's because they want to, can afford to, and aren't guilt tripped into it, muttimalzwei.

Totally diff. set of circumstances!

scuzy · 31/05/2011 16:16

but usualsuspect were you asked for those things?? thats the difference.

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