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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my exH is a shit for asking my DS2 to live with him after 11 years

246 replies

womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:06

We are relocating to Norfolk from London in the next 6 weeks and have just told my EXH and his wife. My DS2 is 14 and doesn't want to move but due to finances, family reasons etc we don't really have a choice. I've looked into secondary schools for him and have set up appointments and have arranged for him to start training with the local football team but................. I do know he is unhappy about the move. So AIBU when my ex then phones up DS2 and offers him a room in his house in Cambridgeshire (see still having to move) and i'm brokenhearted that DS2 is considering it. I know if he decides to move in with his dad I can't say or do anything as it'll be his choice but its killing me:(. I've looked after DS2 on my own since he was 3 and only in the last 2 years met and married.

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 30/05/2011 22:10

Why is he being a shit?

CarGirl · 30/05/2011 22:11

YANBU to be devasted that your ds may be moving away from, my dd has and it hurts like hell but.......

Hmmmm perhaps your ex has wanted him for a while but didn't want his education interrupted?

Perhaps it is a good time for ds to spend more time with his Dad at that age?

Perhaps your ds will go and be very keep to move back in with you for college!

worraliberty · 30/05/2011 22:13

Is he really being a shit or is he just trying to offer a solution to make his son happy?

bleedingstill · 30/05/2011 22:13

if he stayed with his dad could he stay on at his present school?

tallulahxhunny · 30/05/2011 22:13

that happened to me :( my son is still living there, people say he will come back, i doubt it, hes been away 4 years now and hes 18 now

PaisleyLeaf · 30/05/2011 22:13

Well he's not really being a shit is he?
But I do feel for you.

stella1w · 30/05/2011 22:14

It probably would be better to listen to your DS if you are sure he understands the situation fully. Would living with your exH mean he could still go to the same school? If you still don't want this to happen, does your divorce agreement not have anything to say about it??

GypsyMoth · 30/05/2011 22:15

he can legally vote with his feet at this age....there is nothing you can do

the bigger fuss you make,the further away you will push him!!

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 30/05/2011 22:16

Of course it is sad when your children decide to live with a different parent, but most fathers have experienced that exact sadness for years.

I do get the hurt, if my child decided to leave home i would be heartbroken but it would not make the father a shit.

GypsyMoth · 30/05/2011 22:16

divorce agreement (statement of arrangements for children) isnt legally binding

court orders cannot force older kids into ANYTHING

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:18

Living with a teenager is hard :(, the reason for thinking he is being a shit is that he has 2 other children he never sees and never speaks of and I think this is more a way of getting back at me than truly wanting DS. In the past year he has seen DS2 twice and that is because I said to him that DS wanted to see him otherwise I don't know what would have happened.
If I thought DS would be happy it'll be that much easier and I already know I can't fight for him but have to let him go and as you say one day hope he comes back :(

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/05/2011 22:18

I know you won't, but don't burn any bridges with your son, if it doesn't work out the way he imagines it will he'll need his mum Smile

FabbyChic · 30/05/2011 22:19

Im sorry but I don't wish to be mean but it really is not prudent to move a 14 year old out of schools when they are coming up to their GCSE's I understand finances etc., but children when they start secondary school shouldn't be moved, it could be the differencce between him passing his GCSE's or not.

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 22:20

no he isn't being a shit!! he is trying to offer his son an alternative to something he doesn't want to do.

i understand hwo painful it would be for you but if it is what your son wants then would you prefer him not to have teh option? what should your EXH have done? just sat back and let his sone be unhappy knowing taht he could offer him something he might prefer?

AgentZigzag · 30/05/2011 22:20

Why would he be trying to get back at you after all this time?

I don't mean that in a nasty way, you could have had contact during that time, but would he really fuck over your DS to get to you?

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:20

sorry no he'd still be moving from London to Cambridgeshire to be with his dad so wouldn't be able to stay with his old school.

OP posts:
millie30 · 30/05/2011 22:22

I don't think YABU. You have single handedly raised your son since he was 3, and your ex has only bothered to see him twice in the last year. I think that your ex should have least have had the decency to speak to you first about what he was proposing.

NonnoMum · 30/05/2011 22:23

Perhaps try thinking about it, that he COULD be going off to college in 2 years, or more likely 4 years. He's just doing it a bit earlier (the leaving you part).
It COULD work out really well for you - you'd get to be the wonder parent who turns up for the fun stuff, whilst his dad gets to nag him to pick his undercrackers up off the floor...

alizee · 30/05/2011 22:24

BooyHoo, how is moving to Cambrigeshire so different from moving to Norfolk from London? It's not exactly like he can commute to his school everyday...

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 30/05/2011 22:26

The whole not moving during secondary school thing is:
a) Absolute bollocks for Yr 7-9
b) A bloody stupid thing to say to someone when they've said they cannot afford not to move.

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:29

NonnoMum thank you that is a good way of looking at it and thank you Millie30. I think its hard to convey on here the bad stuff that has happened to me and the kids in the past 11 years since the divorce. But I accept your views, maybe not a shit but ....he is offering an alternative but not in staying put where he'd be happy and then i'd understand. Ds has never stayed with his dad for more that 2 nights in 11 years so I think it would be a shock but you're right one I need to let him make a choice for himself.
Fabbychic finances are a huge factor if you can't afford the area you live in anymore due to hubbys redundancy and the fact that we are trying to move before he starts in year 10 is why we have tried to rush the move .

OP posts:
Wellnerfermind · 30/05/2011 22:29

Is there any way you can delay the move until your DS leaves school?

CarGirl · 30/05/2011 22:30

With your ex's lack of interest it does sounds a bit like he's playing games to get back at you and that is a shitty thing to do Sad

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 22:32

alizee it was an alternative. i didn't say it was any better but it was an alternative to what his mum was asking him to do which he wasn't happy about. i based my response on the original post. the information about the dad getting his own back came later. based on teh infor in the OP i didn't think teh dad was being a shit for offering. i wasn't alone in my opinion.

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:35

Wellnerfermind exH could start paying child support as an alternative offer (lol) then we might be able to afford to stay but everytime I contact the CSA again about him he somehow manages to become redundant :( . Mu mum and dad live in this area all of my darling friends live in this area so it really isn't an easy choice t move for any of us :( but can't NOT not move unfortunately.

OP posts: