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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my exH is a shit for asking my DS2 to live with him after 11 years

246 replies

womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:06

We are relocating to Norfolk from London in the next 6 weeks and have just told my EXH and his wife. My DS2 is 14 and doesn't want to move but due to finances, family reasons etc we don't really have a choice. I've looked into secondary schools for him and have set up appointments and have arranged for him to start training with the local football team but................. I do know he is unhappy about the move. So AIBU when my ex then phones up DS2 and offers him a room in his house in Cambridgeshire (see still having to move) and i'm brokenhearted that DS2 is considering it. I know if he decides to move in with his dad I can't say or do anything as it'll be his choice but its killing me:(. I've looked after DS2 on my own since he was 3 and only in the last 2 years met and married.

OP posts:
Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 15:20

latitude, yours is a completely different situation to mine. There is no comparison.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 15:21

I think it is silly to equate it to all night parties and drugs. This is a question of his parent-one that he shares half his genes with. I agree that he might need protecting, but it can be done without manipulation and 'fighting'.

swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 15:23

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swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 15:24

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latitude · 31/05/2011 15:24

Its not about the mother its about him and where and who he wants to live with. He would rather not move to where his mother is moving to and would rather live with his father which is a perfectly legitimate choice.

swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 15:28

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Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 15:28

You were probably right the first time, SAF. :o

Well, in some cases at any rate! :o

Living with the child's father, as in fully committed, responsible, caring family member who has been a constant, loving figure in both children's lives, maybe.

Living with a man who has none of these credentials, who is a virtual stranger to the child and has been so to the mother for years and who is going to, in the process tear the family assunder, no way. Not in this house at any rate - I'd have committed crime first.

swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 15:29

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swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 15:32

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Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 15:34

SAF I genuinely think that there is such a rush these days by people to be seen to be 'right on' and PC and to be inclusive they forget, in their attempts to be liberal with childrens' rights and supportive of the rights of fathers, to protect the very children who they profess to be putting first and who are in the centre of it all.

IMHO it takes more than genes, male, female or bloody fruit bat, to make a parent and more than a sperm donor to make a father.

ikoto · 31/05/2011 15:36

My sister did this, she moved in with our father when she was 13, my mum did and still does see it as a great betrayal of her as it broke up the family. She did the whole emotional blackmail thing but she went anyway, my sister was happier living with him and I think its bizarre to think she should have stayed for me, my brother or my mums sake to be honest.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 15:40

Did you have much contact with your father, ikoto, before your sister went to live with him?

did you know him, did you know him well?

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 15:40

I mean did you both know him, obviously

ikoto · 31/05/2011 15:41

No not really he lived in London whilst we lived in Newcastle

Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 15:45

ikoto, glad it worked for you. In this house however it would lead to a family in ruins, a younger teenager already fragile destroyed and elder child's welfare and morals at risk.

Out of interest, ikoto, did your siblings get nothing, not even a birthday card or a phone call, whilst you got time and gifts from your father?

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 15:47

So you can't see why the OP would have any concerns, based on the amount of contact and level of support the father has given?

Or be worried about the fact that he doesn't actually want to live with his dad, he just wants to live less far from his friends?

You'd pack the bags and say bon voyage and that would be that?

ikoto · 31/05/2011 15:49

rapa- It was my sister not me that moved away. In the first few years of seperation he was in the navy and often at sea so no we would have longish periods of time without contact. When he got a civilian job then contact increased but he did and still does forget mine and my brothers birthday.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 15:51

I mean i'm sure that in lots of circs it is fine.

Just not all circs.

ikoto · 31/05/2011 15:52

SQ- I see why she would have concerns but this is a decision for him and him alone and I think an attempt to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do would be very wrong indeed.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 15:56

I find it sad that people put so little store by established family units I suppose. If none of it means anything then what's the point.

They say children need stability - this is a crock then right. My kids would be just as well off with anyone.

Depressing thought.

Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 15:56

Sorry, my mistake.

All I can say is that 1 - circumstances are different, my DCs father lives not 5 miles away and still treats his children like shit, particularly the younger one, and 2 - you and DB are stronger than my younger DC is.

For me the proof of the pudding already exists. When rebuffed, far from putting in more work to have contact with and providing for his children, my ex went completely the other way and returned to making as little effort as possible. Surely had he been interested in my child rather than scoring points over me he would be there for that child and the other one, rather than reverting to a default of "can't give a shit"?

For that alone the OP would be wise to put her foot down, say no to her son and see then how much effort her ex is going to make, given that he's made none for 11 years.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 16:00

14 year olds shouldn't get to make those sort of decisions 'alone.' They don't have the necessary emotional maturity to consider the consequences, and will often just go along with an option that they think will give them an easy life. There is a reason children of that age are protected by law from making some decisions, such as the age of consent and legal drinking age. These are put in place because it is widely acknowledged that teenage children don't always have the capacity to exercise good judgement. This situation is no different.

And sharing a father's genes is irrelevant if that father has abandoned and ignored his children for most of their lives. Why on earth should he be given the status of equal parent? He is anything but.

Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 16:03

"They say children need stability - this is a crock then right. My kids would be just as well off with anyone."

My children know, trust, have spent more time with, have had more support from and get on better with my closest male friend than their father.

I wonder whether I should just hand them over to him now. Obviously, none of what I feel or any of the things I know about my children or their welfare and of the adults around them means Jack. I'm just their mother, a 14 year old knows more than me, and their father is better equipped to care for them... no, wait, not for them but for the one that he wants, whilst rejecting and ignoring the one that he doesn't.

Thank fuck I didn't ask the advice of anyone when I made my non-negotiable, totally unregretted decision.

streptococcus · 31/05/2011 16:09

I was put in a similar situation as a 13 yr old and it was really horrible.... stay with a dad who I saw about once a year and when I did see him let me smoke and drink and watch 18 movies..... or move with my mum and new step dad ( who I didnt much like) further away from friends.

In the end my Mum made the decision for me and I went with her and my siblings. I was angry at first but now relieved at what happened. As a teenager you shouldnt have to make choices like that.

and yes YANBU. he is a shit for suggesting it without talking to you first. Offer weekends and holidays as a compromise?

Its not far cambridge to norwich on the train. and while I'm at it WTF is all this anti norfolk shit?!?! Its hardly the australian outback is it !

Snorbs · 31/05/2011 16:20

Rap, I think you're well within your rights to decide that your 14yo should stay with you given the circumstances. It's a complex area and it depends a huge amount on the situation.

I think what shocks me, and others, is the way that you chose to ensure that you got your way. To effectively say to a 14yo "Either do what I want or you're out of the family for good" is emotional blackmail of quite breathtaking cruelty IMO.