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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my exH is a shit for asking my DS2 to live with him after 11 years

246 replies

womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:06

We are relocating to Norfolk from London in the next 6 weeks and have just told my EXH and his wife. My DS2 is 14 and doesn't want to move but due to finances, family reasons etc we don't really have a choice. I've looked into secondary schools for him and have set up appointments and have arranged for him to start training with the local football team but................. I do know he is unhappy about the move. So AIBU when my ex then phones up DS2 and offers him a room in his house in Cambridgeshire (see still having to move) and i'm brokenhearted that DS2 is considering it. I know if he decides to move in with his dad I can't say or do anything as it'll be his choice but its killing me:(. I've looked after DS2 on my own since he was 3 and only in the last 2 years met and married.

OP posts:
Wellnerfermind · 30/05/2011 22:40

If your son moves won't you have to pay CSA?

And you could lose the child benefit and tax credits.

Can you cope without these?

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:48

You asked me to find a solution to staying for an extra 2 years so I did!!! and yes if DS moved out I wouldn't NOT pay child support because HE is my child!!!!!!! and i'd have to cope without those benefits because its not really much is it??

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 31/05/2011 00:05

It seems that your 14 yr old ds2 will gain no educational advantage by going to live with his father, and could be seriously disadvantaged if he commences at a new school in Cambridgeshire and subsequently finds that he's not happy living with a man and his wife that he barely knows, and then needs to move schools to be with you again.

I think you should put your foot down; ds2 moves with you and studies for his GCSE's in Norfolk. However, during the course of the next 2 years, your ds2 spends at least 2 weekends a month and all school holidays from October it seriously is not going to happen once your ds2's football boots get stuck into Norfolk soil with his father so that they can get thoroughly re-acquainted with a view to your ds2 attending a sixth form college in Cambridgeshire when he's 16.

If your ex has suggested his half-baked plan to your ds2 without prior consultation with you, he's a complete shit and it's highly probable that he's not the best person for your son to live with during a crucial time in his young life.

maypole1 · 31/05/2011 00:15

I agree the boy dose not WANT TO MOVE

Your ex is providing ability keeping him in the same school/area

Could you confirm you are not moving due to a new partner

Sorry but how do you know your son hasn't asked to stay with his dad but hasn't gong the courage to tell you

If you want your son to live with you then you might need to reconsider the move

maypole1 · 31/05/2011 00:19

Not being funny but I do feel their may be a deeper issue here most children would not want to jus live with their father just because the mum is moving

Personally I would feel really sad as a mother if I had to force my own child to live with me if. Ou do that as izzy suggests you will end up with a breakdown in relationship.

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/05/2011 00:23

May. I too thought/felt there were deeper issues.

Does DS2 get on with your new partner?
Do you think it fair that because your partner has been made redundant that your DC are taken away from all they know? Surely your partner can get a new job?

KittySpencer · 31/05/2011 00:37

I have friends who moved from London to rural areas as teenagers and abolutely hated it. One moved to a very rural part of Norfolk, and found it very difficult to fit in. Admittedly this was 20 years ago, and there's FB and MSN so your DS could keep in touch with his London friends, but I think he will still find it hard.

Is there a difference between where you'll be living and where his dad is? Is one more urban/rural than the other? Will he have a bigger room at his dads? How does your DS get on with your new partner - is there any friction? Could this be behind him deciding to go to his dad's, ie him not getting on with new partner, and the moving away being a final straw? Does/could he feel that your partner not you is the driving force behind the move?

I do sympathise though. My DS1 is 13 in August, if he asked to move out next year to live with his dad I'd be ever so sad about it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/05/2011 01:03

maypole1
^"Your ex is providing ability keeping him in the same school/area
Could you confirm you are not moving due to a new partner^"

No, OP's ex lives in Cambridgeshire, OP's son would still be moving area and moving to a new school. (Mon 30-May-11 22:20:22) OP has already stated she met/married in the last 2 years (Mon 30-May-11 22:06:35) and is having to move for financial reasons because her DH has been made redundant. (Mon 30-May-11 22:29:00).

Kiwiinkits · 31/05/2011 01:59

YABU, your ex is not being a shit. He's expressing his support for his son - if he'd not offered he'd be a shit.

It would possibly be the best thing for your son to have some time with his dad. Teenage boys crave their father's company. It is part of the process of a boy becoming a man; moving away from their mother and spending time with their father. Allow your boy some time getting to know the most important man in his life. Stay open to him, continue to love him and support him, and when he's ready he'll come back to you.

Kiwiinkits · 31/05/2011 02:01

OP's son showing signs of wanting to spend time with his father doesn't sound like 'deeper issues' at all to me. It sounds like the boy is progressing through a well-known and well-documented stage of adolescence.

swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 02:15

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swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 02:17

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Kiwiinkits · 31/05/2011 08:09

that's true, swallowedAfly. You do have to be realistic about a particular father. Only the OP and her son are in a position to judge that, I suppose.
I guess I just wanted to push the OP to think about her son's developmental needs, which is hard to do when all your emotions say is "my baby is being taken away by someone I don't fully trust". Tough position to be in.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 08:24

At 14yrs you can't just move him around. It isn't a good age to go from London to Norfolk. I think you have to take it seriously-make sure the DS knows the options, has seen the schools in both places etc. before making up his mind.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 08:28

No wonder so many absent fathers get away with being absolute shits and not bothering to see or provide for their kids, when they are lauded as heroes trying to help their children for making one dubious gesture ten years later, and the mother who has single handedly provided and cared for said child is labelled unreasonable for being concerned about this. Makes me sick.

zookeeper · 31/05/2011 08:35

YANBU at all. Take him with you. If he was that bothered about his son's happiness he would have seen him regularly and paid you maintenance to raise him. And he should have discussed it with you first before suggesting it to his son. I'm stunned that people seem to think that's acceptable.That shows a frightening level of disrespect to you which doesn't bode well for the future should your DS live with him. And at 14 he's still a child and it was wrong of your ex to put him in that position without at least some sort of discussion with you.

Swallowedafly and millie30 say it all. I couldn't agree more with you both.

QuackQuackSqueak · 31/05/2011 08:37

I can see why your ds would be considering it. Moving away from all your friends at that age is a really major thing. I know he'd still have to move away to live with his dad but he wouldn't even consider that if he wasn't having to move even if he stays with you! (if that makes sense!)

I read that you have no choice but to move but are you sure there is nothing you can do? Different job? Second job? Downsize? Sell something? It's only 2 years and moving at that age must be incredibly difficult. At that age I was so insecure (although it didn't show) and I would have found moving, being taken out of my comfort zone and having to make new friends extremely painful. I was also the type that got bullied (little and meek) so who knows how I would have coped surrounded by new people.

Not trying to make you feel worse but just trying to explain how much of an upheavel this is for your son.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 08:38

I think that people are reading their own situation into it. At 14 his wishes must come first. DCs absolutely hate being moved at that age, especially to what will be a huge culture shock. When I was a teenager my father lived 200 miles away from home for a year so that I could finish school before they moved.
DS needs to know all the options for both places, see the school, football teams, exam options etc and then make up his mind.

QuackQuackSqueak · 31/05/2011 08:39

Also think the dad sounds crap!

AnnieLobeseder · 31/05/2011 08:39

While your ex does sound like a shit - doesn't see his son and doesn't bother paying for his upkeep, sadly your DS is at an age where he can make these decisions for himself. With a younger child I'd say NO WAY!

My DB went to live with my dad (who generally wasn't bothered with us) when he was 16 because he and my mum were starting to argue and my dad was the 'fun' parent. But he came back home after a year. Seems the grass wasn't greener after all.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 08:42

He is 14yrs old not 4 yrs old!
Does no one remember what it was like to be 14yrs-or were you all so confident that you could move areas, friends and school without batting an eye? I would have hated it and found it very difficult to fit in-DCs in Norfolk probably have tight friendship groups and have knoweveryone since 3 yrs old! It isn't the most cosmopolitan of places-Norwich is probably the best bet-somewhere really rural will be difficult for him.

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 08:45

If the Dad is crap, he will find out and come back. I never understand people saying 'your father is crap' because basically they are saying to the DC ,half of your makeup is crap'.
A 4 yr old you can just bundle off with you-a 14yr old has opinions of his own.

psychovillemum31 · 31/05/2011 08:51

It looks like you will need to stay in London for a couple of years if you want to avoid you're DS living with his father. The next two years are crucial for him. The disruption caused by moving in with his Father or to Norfolk could have an adverse effect. The Father sounds like a truly awful person. Not the kind of person you would like to influence your fourteen year old son. Hardly bothering with his son, then making such a dramatic gesture to undermine you. Have you spoken to his Father?

exoticfruits · 31/05/2011 08:54

I would look for alternatives-could he board with someone in London during the week?

swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 09:05

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