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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my exH is a shit for asking my DS2 to live with him after 11 years

246 replies

womanwholivedinashoe · 30/05/2011 22:06

We are relocating to Norfolk from London in the next 6 weeks and have just told my EXH and his wife. My DS2 is 14 and doesn't want to move but due to finances, family reasons etc we don't really have a choice. I've looked into secondary schools for him and have set up appointments and have arranged for him to start training with the local football team but................. I do know he is unhappy about the move. So AIBU when my ex then phones up DS2 and offers him a room in his house in Cambridgeshire (see still having to move) and i'm brokenhearted that DS2 is considering it. I know if he decides to move in with his dad I can't say or do anything as it'll be his choice but its killing me:(. I've looked after DS2 on my own since he was 3 and only in the last 2 years met and married.

OP posts:
wikolite · 31/05/2011 17:54

Yes I have children but whether his father is good or not and whether he thinnks his quality of life would be better with his dad is up to him to decide and you should respect his wishes.

As a footnote of course 14yos can left in the house on their own.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:54

So now the women in these situations are likely to be liars, on top of everything else.

This thread is astounding.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 17:57

So here's the situation

OP's son has been offered to live with dad
He is considering is as doesn't want to leave friends
Has seen dad twice in the last year
Longest ever stayed with him 2 nights
Never paid any support

OP doesn't want him to go.

This makes her an emotionally abusive, manipulative woman, who is likely to be slagging her ex off to the children, and is probably a liar.

I think it makes her quite normal.

I am struggling with this thread TBH.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 17:57

Why, Wellnerfermind? We only ever hear one side of the argument in AIBU. Why are fathers a special case? Is it unbelievable that any fathers could behave in the way described? My ex's 'side' is that I am an evil bitch who took his child away from him. The reality is that the police took me to a refuge and in the 3 years since he has been refused unsupervised contact on the recommendation of experts because they consider him a danger who is incapable of caring for his child. But I'm obviously lying.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 17:58

x posted with SQ re lying.

Wellnerfermind · 31/05/2011 18:01

Never said anyone was lying, I said I'd like to hear the other side of the story.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 18:01

Do you think the 'other side' would admit that they were useless fathers then?

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 18:02

Well you're not going to hear the other side unless the ex is on MN Confused

Surely the whole point of this is that we talk about the information that we are given. Each and every OP could be a pack of lies for all any of us know.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 18:04

I don't understand that anyone thinks it is not normal for a mother to get emotional at the prospect of losing her 14 yo child?

Parents get emotional when their children go off to university at 18 FGS. This boy is only 14. It's not "emotional blackmail" to show your genuine emotions Confused

millie30 · 31/05/2011 18:10

Oh and by the way, saying that you would like to hear the other side of the story does suggest that you think the women in question aren't telling the truth. Implying this to women who have been very open on this thread about their circumstances, including financial worries and abuse, is downright rude IMO.

Wellnerfermind · 31/05/2011 18:17

You're entitled to your opinion.

That's why I think AIBU is a bit pointless as you only get one persons view.

I'd like to hear why the Op's ex lives in Cambridge, why he doesn't pay CSA and why he doesn't see his son much.

Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 18:22

Someone mentioned two loving parents. In the OP's case (and mine) there is only one. You do not abandon your children for years refuse them the means for foos and clothing if you love them.

What could sway a 14 yo to move in with a father like this? A father who has, by virtue of never having paid a penny towards his childrens' upkeep... and let's not forget that there are two children in both these families and yet in both cases only one is bothered with, talked to orwanted by these "lothatving fathers"... and by virtue of having free childcare 24/7 in the mothers, can dangle a very enticing carrot to the average self-centred 14 year old.

Some of the things which have been written here are just laughable and I thank god that the writer neither have ever had to experience what the OP and I have nor do they make government policy. Some is just plain offensive.

One thing I could have been offended by and am not is being called "emotionally abusive" et al. I have a suggestion... seeing that I'm so abusive to my children why not call for them to be taken away from me and placed to live with a stranger... ?

Oh.

I make no apology for what I did and never shall. Two years on, my child has no more regrets about my decision than I have.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 18:22

I can guess if that would help?

Cambridge is very nice
Many men don't pay CSA or other support
Many men don't see their sons much

Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 18:25

Sorry for typos - bloody phone!

Wellnerfermind · 31/05/2011 18:25

Yes, but you're guessing.
And I'm going to guess, your ex doesn't pay CSA, doesn't see much of his children and is a crap Dad?

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 31/05/2011 18:26

Ladies, blimey yesterday when I left this thread there were 9 messages. I jusdt tried to read 200 messages and have now skipped on 3 pages and come to the end.

In response to a couple of things - DH could try and find a job in this area but we have already downsized and need more space as DH also has children who stay with us. DH will NEVER have enough money as he pays a huge amount of child support and as we NEVER received any from a man I was married to for 12 years. I support DH in him paying whatever he can for his kids.
Norfolk because he has been offered a good job there and we have friends in the area and my DS2 godmother in the town we are moving to. We are 7 miles from Norwich so not rural at all. We have a house all the children can have their own space in and DS is ready to look at school, FC etc with me in the next couple of weeks.

Thank you to all who have given support and I know that by the time i've typed this I will have to have read another 20 messages.

DS woke up this morning hugged me and said he loved me and there never was any question as to where he would live.

And as for those who suggested that I would slag of said EX in front of the children I never have, EVER but thats what threads like this are for to VENT!

Not all DADS are good dads, when he left he took out a £25,000 remortgage for a large conservatory but kept the money to get himself a flat!!! Never saw it coming!!
Then when I was watching DS2 in his sports day which EX was meant to have attended (this being 11 years ago) he broke into the house (as it was his house the police could do nothing) and took almost every peace of furniture.
Then he made my life so hell (by being my landlord as he called it) that I had no choice but to sell the house to pay him off.

It took me 9 years to trust another man.

No deeper issues DH hasn't got a bad bone in his body.

Thank you once again for all the support xxx

OP posts:
millie30 · 31/05/2011 18:27

Not to forget that the CSA also seems to be rather ineffectual in the case of fathers who are 'self employed' or 'lose' a job everytime the CSA contacts them. And that whilst the child apparently has a right to both parents this is only if both parents can be bothered to see them. Whilst this right of a child is so often referred to, a contact order can only be enforced one way, not the other.

SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 18:29
Confused

I am married, got married 5 years ago, have two preschoolers. Am actually quite good friends with the exes I had more serious relationships with, and the ones who still live locally. Didn't have any children before I met DH though. Very happy generally thanks.

Suggest you don't apply for a vacancy on the Paul McKenna show!

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 31/05/2011 18:30

Millie30 I feel like you're my friend, bless you!

Ex lives in Cambridgeshire so he could afford to buy a house with his wife, moved there years agon now. Not got a problem with that.

I would prefer to live further south but we were actually trying to get EX closer to DS2.

My DS1 hasn't seen his dad since December and before that it was the December before. DS1 is autistic and EX won't even mention seeing him .

DD who is now 21 still hates that her dad doesn't contact her.

I fully support dads seeing there kids and the more then better. So some of the posters on here have got it completely wrong!!!

My EX is a SHIT vent over lol.

OP posts:
millie30 · 31/05/2011 18:31

Hi OP, I'm so pleased that your DS has reassured you that he'll be moving with you. For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing. I remember your other thread, you are moving not far from me and I think you'll really like the area.

Rapaccioli · 31/05/2011 18:31

"DS woke up this morning hugged me and said he loved me and there never was any question as to where he would live."

Which is all I wanted to hear and has brought tears to my eyes.

Wishing you and your family every happiness in the world, womanwholivedinashoe. :)

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 31/05/2011 18:33

SardineQueen when my DD left for Uni I cried for weeks lol. She came back after 6 months lol. But is off again in Sept so the tears will start again.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 31/05/2011 18:33

womanwholivedinashoe don't mind us we're just having a good barney Grin

I'm so pleased that your son has realised what he wants and it was never even a real question. Your new life also sounds all sorted - we go up to Norwich area quite a lot and there are a lot of lovely places around there, it will be a great place to live. And so much cheaper! Plus your DS can easily get the train from there to go and see his old friends for the weekend sometimes.

Good luck with your new life Smile

Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 31/05/2011 18:35

Thank you Rapaccioli, I can't stop smiling and feel like a wally for getting soooooo upset. My DS is an intelligient boy and his mum loves him to bits xx
PS he said it without me using any emotional blackmail might I add, although the red marks under my eyes might have been a bit of emotion lol!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
womanwholivedinashoe · 31/05/2011 18:39

Thanks Millie30 and Sardinequeen xx

OP posts:
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