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to think that non resident parents should have to take some responsibility?

187 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 10:59

EX H and have been separated for 4 1/2 years. He lives with someone else (who epitomises the evil step-mother and has been pushing and needling since they got together about my maintenace and how often they have access) and I am happy with my new OH - we don't live together.

He has them every other weekend and once in the week meaning he collects them from school one night and drops them off one morning (I work full time and have planned my working week around this for the last four years). This is all agreed in our divorce.

Him having them in the week means he also sees one of our DC who isn't his biologically but has called him dad since he could talk and who my ex decided wanted to continue to see after we split up. This DC sees the biological father every other weekend.

Decree absoloute came through last week.

First I knew about it was a nasty email from ex saying "congratulations" we are now divorced Hmm he is basically not going to do anything he has agreed to do, will not be helping with school runs or having the kids in the week (therefore not seeing one of our DC's anymore). I was at work and he phoned the kids before I got home and had a chance to talk to them, apparently he was at the airport and has fucked off gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks leaving me to deal with the fall out.

AIBU to feel incredibally angry that he has the audacity to think it is morally right to pick and chose what he does and doesn't do and just leave me to carry the can? What if I just decided I didn't want to bother doing everything I do anymore? Obviously I have no choice but to suck this up and deal with it, and support my children through it.

AIBU to feel throughly pissed off for my kids (esp the one who has basically been rejected by someone they have called dad) and at the attitude of some of my friends and family who think I should be grateful that he has "stuck around" at all - and for any scraps he throws at me.

This is someone who chose to have children with me and who I spent 10 years of my life with.

OP posts:
xstitch · 30/05/2011 23:01

I had a lawyer in court but he stood there and didn't stand up for me once. Just let XH's lawyer humiliate me for days starting with the length of my labour and EMCS and how that made me a bad mother. I can never trust the legal system again for anything. I may as well have represented myself as I ended up having to do the preparation work as lawyer was busy and then did almost nothing in court

ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 23:03

Xstitch, its not right, I am sorry for you.

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 23:08

my solicitor was useless in court. she was afraid of the judge and i did all of the talking myself. should have saved myself the £90 an hour!!

Quattrocento · 30/05/2011 23:16

I have a male acquaintance who did this. When his daughter (whom he had not seen or supported in any way for 12 years) got into Cambridge, his alma mater, he decided to try to resume contact. She politely refused. He tried again when she got married. Same response. He now has grandchildren who he doesn't know. Does he regret it? I think so now.

ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 23:19

It is so sad that experiences like that can destroy trust in services we should trust, like you I have lost trust in all but me.


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LineRunner · 31/05/2011 14:53

I do have a court order regarding contact, an order which my ex-p started ignoring within weeks.

I suppose the OP would be able to apply to the family court for enforcement of her order. The court would ask the ex-p, why can't you maintain the agreed contact? That might jolt some sense into him.

In my case, sadly, my ex-p has been allowed to get away with the most appalling lies, unchecked, about his alleged 'work commitments'. [If he did the hours he says he did, the kids' child support would be a hell of lot more than he pays ... but the family court was never much good at sums.] My ex-p does a very normal job in public services, btw.

I did ask the famaily court last time I was there, whether they were at all interested in MY work commitments, how I coped, what happened when I got ill, that kind of thing. The chief magistrate looked at me like I was mad. I think she assumed we all had nannies.

The family court AGREED that he only needed to see his children once a month! And TEN DAYS out of all the school holidays, half-terms and inset days!! Despite me arguing that he needed to see more of them.

slightlyunbalanced · 31/05/2011 16:03

Am wondering if Cafcass will help me.....

OP posts:
LineRunner · 31/05/2011 16:43

Slightly There is nothing to stop you ringing them up and asking for advice. Cafcass has a website so you can get contact details from that. I did that once and spoke to a very helfpul bloke about process and procedure.

Unfortunately however the Cafcass workers I have experienced in court were bloody terrible. They didn't even have the full file. However, their job seems to be simply to say, 'There are no issues involving the welfare of these children' [or the opposite, as the case may be].

In your case, if you have a contact schedule written into your divorce agreement, Cafcass may be prepared to advise the court that it is in your children's best interests for the court to enforce this.

slightlyunbalanced · 02/06/2011 21:36

Little update - they obv missed me while they were away and got back today and rang the police and got them to phone me and threaten to arrest me for harrassment for replying politely to his abusive email Hmm.

Is that not a waste of police resources?!

OP posts:
Newbabynewmum · 02/06/2011 21:44

God! The police will see through them. How ridiculous! Are you doing ok? X

slightlyunbalanced · 02/06/2011 21:51

Yes thanks, am used to their shit now, have asked DS's dad to be emergency contact in case anything happens as Ex would refuse and kids have to go to social care, which is what his gf wants.

OP posts:
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