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to think that non resident parents should have to take some responsibility?

187 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 10:59

EX H and have been separated for 4 1/2 years. He lives with someone else (who epitomises the evil step-mother and has been pushing and needling since they got together about my maintenace and how often they have access) and I am happy with my new OH - we don't live together.

He has them every other weekend and once in the week meaning he collects them from school one night and drops them off one morning (I work full time and have planned my working week around this for the last four years). This is all agreed in our divorce.

Him having them in the week means he also sees one of our DC who isn't his biologically but has called him dad since he could talk and who my ex decided wanted to continue to see after we split up. This DC sees the biological father every other weekend.

Decree absoloute came through last week.

First I knew about it was a nasty email from ex saying "congratulations" we are now divorced Hmm he is basically not going to do anything he has agreed to do, will not be helping with school runs or having the kids in the week (therefore not seeing one of our DC's anymore). I was at work and he phoned the kids before I got home and had a chance to talk to them, apparently he was at the airport and has fucked off gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks leaving me to deal with the fall out.

AIBU to feel incredibally angry that he has the audacity to think it is morally right to pick and chose what he does and doesn't do and just leave me to carry the can? What if I just decided I didn't want to bother doing everything I do anymore? Obviously I have no choice but to suck this up and deal with it, and support my children through it.

AIBU to feel throughly pissed off for my kids (esp the one who has basically been rejected by someone they have called dad) and at the attitude of some of my friends and family who think I should be grateful that he has "stuck around" at all - and for any scraps he throws at me.

This is someone who chose to have children with me and who I spent 10 years of my life with.

OP posts:
KittySpencer · 30/05/2011 21:10

The thing is though, whether or not you think a NRP is a hero or a twat often depends on your perspective doesn't it?

My Ex (who is the NRP) tells everyone what a bitch I am. Cos he seems like such a nice guy, people believe it every time - even those who know me well think 'well she's obviously a bit of a handful' Hmm and he gets their sympathy.

His parents have told me that I've stolen money from him and left him penniless. They believe this because he told them so. It's utter bullshit of course. His girlfriend (who I have never met, or spoken to, and seen at a distance of 20ft on a couple of occasions) has said that I have intimidated her and she is scared of me. Again, all him. I haven't spoken to the man in 18 months. All communication is via text or our DC. He's a complete idiot, pays me nothing and sees the boys when it suits him. Yet spends his time writing to FFJ for advice, and painting himself as the victim. Having conveniently forgotten the years of physical and emotional abuse he put me through.

I'm sure not all NRP are lying tossers like him. But equally to other people he looks great, and it's me who is the wicked witch!

ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 21:13

He gives case also, think that enrages them, it won't when he gets a lump when house sold. Hope she not around to enjoy that.


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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 21:17

Darn mobile should have been csa.

bochead · 30/05/2011 21:25

There's a gulf of difference between feckless absent dads and decent parents who don't live with their kids. It annoys me when the 2 groups are lumped together as it lets the feckless ones off the hook.

As my child my son is entitled to ALL I have to give, in time, emotional support and financially. I created him, and until he's grown he depends on me for ALL his needs. That wouldn't change if he didn't live with me - I'd still owe it to him to provide him with the best I could whether that be financial, emotional or my time. He'd still be my kid, I'd still love him and he'd still be the centre of my world.

I'm raising a son and you'd better be sure I'm expecting him to take take full responsibility for my future Grandkids. I'm trying to instil the values deep enough that will make him a decent father while he's young enough that in the future no flighty bit of skirt will be able to distract from morals so deeply ingrained. Like most males he has a protective instinct that I'm doing my utmost to channel productively. "Look after your own" sums it up for me.

The number of mothers who make excuses for their sons still amazes me. We raise them, lets change things "from the inside" for future generations by teaching our sons to tak responsibility and own their actions, despite the actions of their own fathers.

bettiboo · 30/05/2011 21:30

Hi OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this. The children of course will suffer the most. I'm sure it must be heartbreaking to know that your ex would give up contact and ultimately a relationship with his children. I know it's been said before but it's not at all unusual for men (I think it is much more rare for women) to give up relationships with their children. My ex has also given up on his DS since meeting his new partner. I don't for one second blame her, I don't know her, but the fact remains many children will be affected adversely as a result of this common abandonment by fathers. I don't personally understand why a woman would want to have a relationship with a man who gave up on his own flesh and blood - really, what does that say about that man? My little DS is going through a terribly emotional time at the moment and that is the worst bit. How to deal with the fall out relating to the emotions of the children. YANBU at all to be upset and angry. It's early days, perhaps your ex will see sense when reality hits.

ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 21:32

Bochead, well said.

Pandygirl · 30/05/2011 21:34

We're getting WAY off topic here:

  1. Was a contact schedule detailed in the divorce? - it wasn't then you can take the kids away on holiday whenever you want without asking his permission, how much easier will that make things?
  2. If these things "that he agreed to do" were detailed in the divorce get him back to court, you don't need a solicitor, self represent, the family court will be very understanding if he's gone against a court order.
  3. I think you're expectng an awful lot for someone to continue a relationship with a non-biological child following a divorce. Particularly if the divorce hasn't been amicable.
    Would you want your children with you ex to have a relationship with his OH if they split up?
BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 21:35

" Like most males he has a protective instinct" women have that too you know!!

"We raise them, lets change things "from the inside" for future generations by teaching our sons to tak responsibility and own their actions, despite the actions of their own fathers."

this is a genuine, 'asking for advice' question. you say lets teach them. how do I, as a mother with care raise two sons who have an absent father that does the bare minimum physically and even less emotionally, raise them to be the parent they should be. the parent you describe yourself as in your post. how do i do that when their no1 role model in life will never set them the example they shoudl be aiming for. i can only do so much. society is letting their father away with the bare minimum, this is their example of fatherhood. how do i counteract that when to their young and impressionable eyes, "dad's dont do much and nobody does anything about it"?

i am NOT saying that dad's dont do much. i am saying that from my sons' point of view, based on their own father (which is a pretty strong influence), dads dont do much.


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Newbabynewmum · 30/05/2011 21:43

:) at your disclaimer booyhoo

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/05/2011 21:44

Bochead My DS is nearly 5 and I'm planning on bringing him up the same, to take responsibility for his actions and ensure he behaves like a true man when he's an adult, not a petulant child. I want to be proud of his adult behaviour, not embarrassed by it.

Agree about mothers making excuses too. Just before I went back to work after maternity leave I took DS (then 5 months old) to see ex's mother. I'd not received a penny from her son and he'd not seen DS (his choice). Ex's mother said he'd not seen DS because he didn't want to get attached in case I later stopped him from seeing DS Confused and hadn't paid any money because he didn't have much for himself (poor ickle baby Hmm). You'd think the sun shines out of his arse, the way she was going on. Blinked and pathetic.

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 21:45

Pandygirl - it's a bit rich to wander into a thread and declare 'we' are getting WAY off topic here Hmm - then you start saying about the OP taking her kids on holiday when that's not even something she was asking about Hmm There is no point in taking him back to court because he's not having the children when he said he would - they can't make him! He said he wanted to maintain contact with the child he has been 'Dad' to for best part of 13 years HE wanted it and has been having it until the divorce came through - it has nothing to do with the OP 'expecting' anything of him - HE has let now hurt the CHILD by saying he no longer wants contact (maybe just in a tanty but who knows). It is a completely different situation than if he split with his current partner - the child has not been living there calling her mum for 10 years.

ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 21:46

Boo, personally when a divorced builder made it clear how he felt about me recently I didn't tell him partly why I wasn't interested was the way he spoke about the mother of his kids. As long as women tollerate or encourage their partner to be acrimonious towards the mother of his kids and be nice and consistant, and unfilled new partners get past their own issues men, fathers will get off the hook.

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 21:47

He should not have allowed him to call him dad when he started talking and should have ended contact when he left 4 yrs ago.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/05/2011 21:48

Blinkered not blinked. Fecking auto correct.

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 21:51

ladygeraldine, sorry your post confuses me a bit. do you mean you DID tell the builder it was because of the way he spoke of his EX?

Wellnerfermind · 30/05/2011 21:52

I think the whole way divorce and separation is handled
in this country causes problems.

Even the terms resident and non-resident starts it off, the RP gets the child benefit and tax credits. The other parent usually gets every other weekend and a mid-week visit.

It is all set up to make one parent (95% of the time the mother) the main parent and the other parent a bit-player.


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xstitch · 30/05/2011 21:55

The family courts understanding! Not IME.

'It is all set up to make one parent (95% of the time the mother) the main parent and the other parent a bit-player.'

Again not IME although I am the resident parent my Xh has almost complete control over my life and this is backed by the courts.

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 21:56

HRH i get that tehy have an instinct but i also get that tehy wont just be hearing my truth. they will be hearing their dad's version of events and his 'justifications' for why he did/does teh things he does. i know even from my relationship with him that it can be very difficult to know what is the truth from him. he has a way of putting things that make it seem liek he has never had a choice in anything he has done and that things have always 'happened to him'. for example, i left him at 34 weeks pregnant because he was addicted to cannabis (dont want to derail this with a cannabis discussion) and his behaviour as a result was atrocious. his version of events tells me taht i abandoned him when he needed me to help him get through it. he doesn't see that he made a choice between me and the drugs.

ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 21:58

I didn't tell him the way he spoke was reason, said nothing. There will be plenty of women who will be attracted to a man and situation and will feed off the drama hurting kids. I am not attracted to that sort of man, I am not despite, I am sure there are men with better morals about.


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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 22:09

lady surely telling him the reason would have implanted the idea that his behaviour was not attractive. by not saying you let the behaviour go unchecked.

i don't talk negatively about EXP either. if teh boys mention him i listen and i try to talk to them honestly. they are both still young so teh conversation is usually along teh lines of "what time will dad get here" and usually i dont know because he never gives a time Angry

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