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AIBU?

to think that non resident parents should have to take some responsibility?

187 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 10:59

EX H and have been separated for 4 1/2 years. He lives with someone else (who epitomises the evil step-mother and has been pushing and needling since they got together about my maintenace and how often they have access) and I am happy with my new OH - we don't live together.

He has them every other weekend and once in the week meaning he collects them from school one night and drops them off one morning (I work full time and have planned my working week around this for the last four years). This is all agreed in our divorce.

Him having them in the week means he also sees one of our DC who isn't his biologically but has called him dad since he could talk and who my ex decided wanted to continue to see after we split up. This DC sees the biological father every other weekend.

Decree absoloute came through last week.

First I knew about it was a nasty email from ex saying "congratulations" we are now divorced he is basically not going to do anything he has agreed to do, will not be helping with school runs or having the kids in the week (therefore not seeing one of our DC's anymore). I was at work and he phoned the kids before I got home and had a chance to talk to them, apparently he was at the airport and has fucked off gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks leaving me to deal with the fall out.

AIBU to feel incredibally angry that he has the audacity to think it is morally right to pick and chose what he does and doesn't do and just leave me to carry the can? What if I just decided I didn't want to bother doing everything I do anymore? Obviously I have no choice but to suck this up and deal with it, and support my children through it.

AIBU to feel throughly pissed off for my kids (esp the one who has basically been rejected by someone they have called dad) and at the attitude of some of my friends and family who think I should be grateful that he has "stuck around" at all - and for any scraps he throws at me.

This is someone who chose to have children with me and who I spent 10 years of my life with.

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 14:00

I went for counselling after years of games from a pair of deluded selfish fuckwits lied and abused me and my kids like that for years even through court, his delusions were so great to protect himself from public shame at being who he really is. The counsellor told me that I had no right to think life should be fair. I wonder if Hollywood has fed us too much of it all works out for the good people in the end, life is not like that in my experince, there is no karma.

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 14:15

ladygeraldine That is so like my life. There is karma its just inverse karma, the harder you try to do the right thing the more shit life will become. I still can't bring myself to act the way XH does. He is right I think I am the stupid one.
Although life isn't fair we should be able to think that some fairness can come into life. The first step is for society, especially the powers that be to recognise scum for what they are and change the system so that being a bully and or a criminal is not the only way to have rights. Perfect balance will never be achieved but the balance needs to be addressed.

For a start lady nobody should be expected to have to accept abuse. Just because that's the way society works right now doesn't make it right. It needs to change.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 14:15

My mum said "oh well dear - most other parents don't get a night off in the week" I was like wtf my ex h does - is he not also a parent?!

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 14:17

OP does your mum not see its nt about you having a night off but your XH accepting his responsibilities as a parent and effectively meting psychological harm on his DC for his own selfish, egotistical ends.

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TadlowDogIncident · 30/05/2011 14:25

YANBU. I do think that karma will come and bite your ex eventually, though you may have to wait a long time. My father walked out on us when we were children and could only be bothered with us on his terms after that. By the time he died two of the three of us had cut all contact because if he couldn't be bothered with us, we damn well couldn't be bothered with him, and the third saw him maybe once or twice a year. All three of us have a good relationship with our mum, who was left to pick up the pieces.

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JustaNickname · 30/05/2011 15:02

I feel so sorry for your poor DC :( What a horrible man. Your obviously well rid but it doesn't make it any easier to try and tell the DC whats going on and why they aren't seeing him as they use to anymore.

My ex P used to piss away money on going out or buying expensive things for himself even though he never contributed to him our DS's financial up bringing. His mother once had a go at me saying that it wasn't fair that I was always so down on him and that I didn't want him to go out or have any friends. Uh no it was the fact your lazy selfish son would rather buy an iphone then pay a weeks maintenance for our 4 year old.

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 15:23

People will justify all sort to themselves and others, spin sea don't just ork for Kerry katona and tony Blair, people buy it as we did to marry and have kids with these people. I have seen two women have this midlife thing and hurt their kids with the affair divorce and demonise the ex, the new partner is great bull, you can see they are having reality issues and it amazes me to see people fall for it on fb etc.

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MonstaMunch · 30/05/2011 15:46

if stories like this make just one person realise that by creating a child, they are stuck with that person for the rest of their lives, regardless of it they want to or not, thats a good thing

sometimes i want to shout whats the rush!!! when yet another girl says she is up the duff after knowing her "partner" a couple of months - jeez if they just stopped to reflect for 10 minutes they might not be so keen

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 15:48

Whilst I agree with you Monsta this wasn't the case with my ex and I.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 16:07

OP i am furious on your behalf.

i was about to start by saying i am quite lucky in that my EXP pays his maintenance and will see the dcs for a couple of hours when he is on leave (for a whole weekend) but then i realised actually that isn't lucky, that is still a pretty unbalanced parenting arrangement, albeit a better one than you and others have.

i agree with NIV. society allows this, the family courts allow this, and the partners of theses feckless 'parents' allow this.

it is the 21st century and children are still being given a raw deal WRT parental responsibility. i don't know what can be changed but something needs to be so that parents who opt out of their moral duties are held accountable. children need more than money, they need their hearts and brains to be nourished aswell and each child is born with 2 people that are responsible for this nourishment.

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LineRunner · 30/05/2011 16:21

It's crap, isn't it? Fathers can take mothers to court for contact orders, but mothers can't ask a court to require a father to see his own children.

My ex-p lies constantly to our children about why he can only see them once every four weeks, despite living in the same town. The kids know damn well that he's bullshitting them - not least because they've run into him shopping and down the beach when he told them he was 'working'. He is usually with his latest girlfriend.

These men are useless pricks. You have my sympathy.

"Fathers For Convenience!" Now there's a slogan.....

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 16:24

line runner that is a great point. is it actually impossible to apply for contact with a NRP on behalf of your DCs? i know when i non-resident parent apllies for teh contact the court grants it based on teh idea that teh child has the right to contact, not teh parent so with that in mind it should be possible for a parent with care to apply for contact on the child's behalf.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 16:27

No - the court will not force a parent to see a child if they (the parent) have chosen not to.

They can pick and choose when they bother to see them.

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Pandygirl · 30/05/2011 16:30

Interesting point BH, I suppose it would be difficult to force an adult to have a relationship with a child (you obviously wouldn't want the child to be damaged by rejection etc). But I totally agree with your premise that both parents should pay for and emotionally support their children.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 16:30

that is ridiculous!! yet they can force a child to see a parent when the child doesn't want to even though it is teh child's right teh court is supposed to be upholding!!! it really isn't the child's right at all in teh eyes of the court. it is just a relabelling of the father's right to his own property.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 16:31

BTW i do get that it would be difficult to force the parent to see teh child, but how do the courts justify forcing children to see a parent tehy dont want to see. does teh child have less human rights than an adult?

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LineRunner · 30/05/2011 16:32

I'm afraid that slightlyunbalanced is right. The courts cannot and will not force an absent parent to see a child if they choose not to, or choose to appear only erratically. It's the biggest political con tick of our times.

Mothers like us will put 100% of time into raising our children, while absent fathers can go as low as 0%. We will likely put 100% of our financial resources into raising our children, while absent father may pay around 15%.

I'm having a glass of wine, now.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 16:33

It is a diffilut one because I guess you are opening the child up to the risk of abuse by forcing them to spend time with someone who can't be arsed.

Woul;d be very sad for a child to be put through that or to be aware their parent was only there because a court had told them they had to be tather than other reasons - like love .

They should be accountable somehow though it infurates me as I feel so frustrated and helpless and have such little control over my arrangements.

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LineRunner · 30/05/2011 16:34

Sorry the wine went to my head. I mean con trick!

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 16:36

yes, i totally see your point SU. i agree making an unwilling parent see the child could result in far worse damge to the child than not seeing the parents could do. it is so infuriating though that the whole attitude of not wanting to raise your own child goes unchecked.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 16:38

I guess at least my ex had a vasectomy - so its just my 3 being mentally abused by him

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 16:43

poor dcs

we can only do so much for our dcs and unfortunately there will probably always be that gap that had to be filled with dad's love and affection.

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 16:53

The fuckwit who rejected our kids and lies about it had a vesectomy, his second wife who had no respect for my kids or marriage is pregnant, assisted pregnancy. Wouldn't be surprised if she is on here with her lies as to why two kids live as they do, after she kicked them out covertly for her benefit. Why r these men no5 done for abandonment by law.

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LineRunner · 30/05/2011 17:00

The hardest part is NOT slagging the useless father off to the children. It's not the kids' fault. They didn't pick the arsehole - I did. The kids are entitled to love him without guilt. (I'm no angel - I do crack from time to time, like when I'm ill and he still won't have them to stay.)

However, as they get older, they do understand who has brought them up. And they compare their father's lifestyle (lavish) with mine and theirs (basic).

What goes around comes around.

But it is a bloody scandal.

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SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/05/2011 17:07

OP can you go to a solicitor to get the contact schedule set in stone? Surely this is exactly the kind of situation that they should be able to sort out and hopefully nip in the bud. While he's away, get an appointment with a solicitor that gives 30 mins free advice, then they can advise you about contact issues and also about the house situation. It's not on for him to mess your DC around like this - but with a gf like his influencing him, I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

My ex fucked off left when I was 4 months pg (planned) to be with the middle aged troll OW he was screwing behind my back, and he's never even bothered to see my DS, who's nearly 5. I think it's a joke that these 'men' can get away without taking any responsibility whatsoever for their kids and just leave the mothers to pick up the pieces. Society needs to change so that this becomes unacceptable. Men like my ex and the OP's ex H fuck me off no end.

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