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to think that non resident parents should have to take some responsibility?

187 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 10:59

EX H and have been separated for 4 1/2 years. He lives with someone else (who epitomises the evil step-mother and has been pushing and needling since they got together about my maintenace and how often they have access) and I am happy with my new OH - we don't live together.

He has them every other weekend and once in the week meaning he collects them from school one night and drops them off one morning (I work full time and have planned my working week around this for the last four years). This is all agreed in our divorce.

Him having them in the week means he also sees one of our DC who isn't his biologically but has called him dad since he could talk and who my ex decided wanted to continue to see after we split up. This DC sees the biological father every other weekend.

Decree absoloute came through last week.

First I knew about it was a nasty email from ex saying "congratulations" we are now divorced Hmm he is basically not going to do anything he has agreed to do, will not be helping with school runs or having the kids in the week (therefore not seeing one of our DC's anymore). I was at work and he phoned the kids before I got home and had a chance to talk to them, apparently he was at the airport and has fucked off gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks leaving me to deal with the fall out.

AIBU to feel incredibally angry that he has the audacity to think it is morally right to pick and chose what he does and doesn't do and just leave me to carry the can? What if I just decided I didn't want to bother doing everything I do anymore? Obviously I have no choice but to suck this up and deal with it, and support my children through it.

AIBU to feel throughly pissed off for my kids (esp the one who has basically been rejected by someone they have called dad) and at the attitude of some of my friends and family who think I should be grateful that he has "stuck around" at all - and for any scraps he throws at me.

This is someone who chose to have children with me and who I spent 10 years of my life with.

OP posts:
slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 17:13

You are right - we need to change as a society so the onus isn't always on the women.

I am guilty of it too maybe - I am always really shocked when a women walks out on her kids but not so much when its the man.

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 17:22

i think we all respond differently when a woman walks out on her dcs. but that is because it really isn't what usually happens. it is so much easier for a father to leave. he doesn' have to carry teh baby inside him for 9 months. he can leave before it even appears, and then when the baby is born, the aftercare pertains to the mother and baby. if dad isn't present when the HV calls there are no questions asked but if mum isn't there a few eyebrows may be raised. perhaps even a concern that mum isn't coping. it is expected that mum's do the donkey work. it raises suspicions if mum choses not to. dad's are not expected to and some dad's even say they felt left out of the whole pregnancy and early days time period. the whole system needs to be changed. fathers are entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave after the birth, why cant they be incorporated into the HV's check up? of course tehre will be times where dad will have taken the other dcs out to the park etc but in general i think the whole approach to parenting (by professional bodies) needs looked at.

LineRunner · 30/05/2011 17:35

My ex-p was actually a good dad until he walked out on us all to go and shack up with his (then ) OW. Since then, he's been a nightmare, as has been his succession of brain-addled live-in girlfriends.

Over the years he has chosen to see less and less of his own kids. Pathetic that's he's allowed to do this.

Even if I do get him to commit to something, we both know that all he has to do is get 'a call from work' or 'a headache', and there's nothing I can do to force him to have his own children over to stay, no matter what commitments I might have. He's screwed up my working life, my social life, and my financial security.

OP, I have had legal advice and I basically paid to be told, 'Try to talk nicely to him, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.'

It seems that handing over a bit of child support equates these days to 'parenting responsibility'.

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 17:41

I was due to go on holiday (abroad to stay with family) last year with my OH and Ex H was going to have the kids. I had been really ill for 6 months and it was the first holiday I had had in years.

I objected to something that his OH did and he refused to have the kids - luckily my parents stepped in and took my DC's camping with them meaning I could still go but it was so stressful.

If they are ill I take time off work if they are off school for any reason its me.

It does affect work I am lucky that I have a very understanding line manager (I work with kids) - but I feel very sorry for those who don't.

OP posts:
Wellnerfermind · 30/05/2011 17:44

What did you object to him doing?

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 17:47

Slagging me off.

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SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/05/2011 18:16

He sounds like a right catch, OP. The one saving grace in all this is that our exes are now some other mug's woman's problem on a day to day basis.

Tossers, the lot of them.

LineRunner · 30/05/2011 18:24

Oh yeah, and make sure that you write a will leaving your estate to the kids but NOT in trust to him; just make sure he won't get a penny and can't siphon their inheritance away, even if it means locking it down till they're 18.

I also do really good voodoo dolls.

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 18:26

EXP has an expensive car habit. i could just see the £ signs light up in his eyes if he thought he was getting teh money i have saved for the dcs.
BumWiper · 30/05/2011 18:28

my eldest's dad lives 10 mins walking from us.he has seen his DC,oh lets see,hmmmmmmm,oh wait he hasnt bothered since 2004.

i get ?8 a week maintenance and am told by relatives [ah sure at least you're getting that].being a dad does not mean you are a parent when it is convient for you.too many feckless fathers about.

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 18:31

Are they all like this or are ours an exception to the rule?

Ex and I were best friends until he met her Sad

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 18:34

i know more dads who are living with their children than i do dads who aren't. out of the ones who live with their dcs, about half of them are as useful as a chocolate teapot and out of the ones who don't live with their dcs about 5% are actually interested and doing the best by their dcs. not sure what that says really. i think it tells me a lot of children are being let down. Sad

LineRunner · 30/05/2011 18:39

Well, Fathers For Junkets Justice would have us believe that all men are just straining at the leash to have significant contact with their children. They explain away the scary statistics on lots of men not actually seeing their children at all by saying it's women who are stopping them.

I fear that this thread tells a different and sad tale.

BumWiper · 30/05/2011 18:41

im glad DC1's dad dosent see used to eat me up that he wasnt interested but i would rather he wanted to spend time with her because he wanted to,rather than being forced and resenting her.

DC calls DH dad and he always calls her his daughter.

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 18:42

I thought Fathers for Justice had all abused their partners but wanted contact Confused

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 18:44

line runner, i can put my hand on my heart and say that i would love for my EXP to want to share care with me. i would love to co-parent with him. i would love for my dcs to see what being a father actually involves. i have never in almost 6 years of parenthood refused one request for contact, evenm when it has been to my extreme inconvenience. so fathers for justice can say what they want but i know MY truth, and i know that not every father is straining at the leash, at least, not in the right direction!

BumWiper · 30/05/2011 18:45

oh that makes me laugh Linerunner.EX actually said once if he was going to have to babysit(!!!) then he wanted the maintenence back cause he would have to buy her lunch.

thing is he was never like this when we were together and i would have never thought in a million years it would be like this.

BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 18:48

there should be a test.

buy a parent testing kit in boots and get him to pee on it before deciding to have chidlren with him. green for 'go for it' and red for 'run for the hills' Grin

BumWiper · 30/05/2011 18:51

pml BooyHoo.

whats to bet he decides he's sorry and wants to be a proper dad when shes about 18 and all the hard graft is done?

perfectstorm · 30/05/2011 18:53

You know, I said on another thread that I wish deadbeat dads and obstrive mums could hook up and procreate together, and leave sane and reasonable people like you, who want their kids to have good relationships with both parents, alone.

Your poor DC1. As someone with a step they dote on, that would have gutted me. I'm sure you'll support them beautifully, but it's beyond shitty behaviour to a child you helped raise and are supposed to love.

ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 18:54

It's shit isn't it.

They get away with paying fuck all - even if they pay the 15% CSA - it's still fuck all in most cases.... but that aside...

I hate the way they get to pick & choose whether to have the kids or not and have no responsibility for organising care for them if they need/want to do something - I'd love you to swan off for 2 weeks just dropping ehm off at his & saying 'I can't have them for a fortnight - here they are' and leaving.... [but I remember your thread from last year .:( ]

It's crap that you can't even plan your 'childfree' evenings or weekends without wondering what you can do if he decides he wont have them.

As for being grateful for the crumbs - fuck off ....

To be fair to your Mum, she's (I'm assuming) of 'that' generation Hmm

I don't know what the solution is, I really don't. I suppose if there's a silver lining at all, when he says he's not having them for a fortnight - at least you know where you're at.

Why not drop him a line and say that as he no longer wants to see the children you will be adjusting the CSA & letting the court (?) know - so if he changes his mind in the future he will have to take it back to court. (I don't suppose for a minute you can do this - but it might put the wind up him).

I honestly don't understand women who are horrible to their step-kids/partners kids - how can you love a man and not care about his kids - they are a part of him FGS.

perfectstorm · 30/05/2011 18:54

BooyHoo - person to develop one would rival Bill Gates! Wouldn't that be amazing - a litmus test for asshats?

ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 18:59

Nag, they are sorry when ow they left for and all the additions are not available to feed the ego, basically they want their kids when they are lonley and have no bird.

NulliusInVerba · 30/05/2011 19:14

Part of the reason they dont care when new woman is around is because, like most men, they expect the woman to be caring for them even in old age. She is the mother replacement, and when you still see yourself as the child why would you think of being a parent??

I agree with alot on this thread. Its outrageous in this day and age its allowed to go on.

As has been stated, you cannot force a dad to have contact, and yes, even if you could it would probably be detrimental to the child. What needs to happen is a watertight CSA, that gives a proper proportion to the children untill they are 18. The use of the words "Im self employed" should no longer be a get out clause.

Secondly, the mother and child / children should be able to sue at the age of 16 or 18, and father that has not had contact or played a big enough role in raising the child. Sue for emotional damages and hardship compensation.

And lastly, idiot women among us need to stop having relationships with dead beat dads beleiving that "my child will be different", and these men need to become social pariahs so that the stigma is a detterent.

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 19:22

My ex was a wonderful father in the 10 yrs we were together.

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