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AIBU?

to think that non resident parents should have to take some responsibility?

187 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 10:59

EX H and have been separated for 4 1/2 years. He lives with someone else (who epitomises the evil step-mother and has been pushing and needling since they got together about my maintenace and how often they have access) and I am happy with my new OH - we don't live together.

He has them every other weekend and once in the week meaning he collects them from school one night and drops them off one morning (I work full time and have planned my working week around this for the last four years). This is all agreed in our divorce.

Him having them in the week means he also sees one of our DC who isn't his biologically but has called him dad since he could talk and who my ex decided wanted to continue to see after we split up. This DC sees the biological father every other weekend.

Decree absoloute came through last week.

First I knew about it was a nasty email from ex saying "congratulations" we are now divorced he is basically not going to do anything he has agreed to do, will not be helping with school runs or having the kids in the week (therefore not seeing one of our DC's anymore). I was at work and he phoned the kids before I got home and had a chance to talk to them, apparently he was at the airport and has fucked off gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks leaving me to deal with the fall out.

AIBU to feel incredibally angry that he has the audacity to think it is morally right to pick and chose what he does and doesn't do and just leave me to carry the can? What if I just decided I didn't want to bother doing everything I do anymore? Obviously I have no choice but to suck this up and deal with it, and support my children through it.

AIBU to feel throughly pissed off for my kids (esp the one who has basically been rejected by someone they have called dad) and at the attitude of some of my friends and family who think I should be grateful that he has "stuck around" at all - and for any scraps he throws at me.

This is someone who chose to have children with me and who I spent 10 years of my life with.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 22:13

I get given a time but not consulted over whether it in convinient to me. This pisses me off as I have a busy life. He also books holidays without asking me first if he can have the children on thise dates.

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 22:15

It is codependant to take responsibility for another adult, i don't feel attracted to rescuing or drama and negativity, me and kids had enough and due to councelling I am not much wiser.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 22:16

lady what is that post in response to?

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 22:16

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 22:18

Boo, I need him to finish off job.

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 22:19

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 22:20

'I mean that positively in that yo can just say no.'

You can't say no when there is a court order against you. The consequences would be unbearable. My life if you can call it that is pretty hard to bear but never being allowed to see my dd again is just too much. If I took dd over the county border, eg on a shopping trip to the nearest city I would be arrested for kidnapping my own child. The repercussions are too many to mention.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 22:21

They don't go on the holidays unless they are in school holidays and it's convenient.

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SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/05/2011 22:21

OP, am I right in assuming there isn't a firm schedule in place? Could you not get one in place then you all know where you stand? So for instance, your ex has them every other weekend, a night in the week and half the school holidays. That way he can book his holidays with them for his weeks. And if he wants them on a different week, you say no, as it's your week with the kids.

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 22:22

Lol building lol. Darn predictive text now wiser...

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 22:25

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 22:26

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 22:28

Half the holidays?!

Yes I wish!!!! .

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 22:28

HRH i have done things the hard way. when we first split up it was awful. he was demanding thsi and demanding taht and then letting ds down everytime, we went through solicitors and had a really horrible time trying to arrange contact, me begging in solicitors letter for him to keep to teh agreement and lots of otehr things he was doing. then we didn't speak for 3 years. we speak now, and i bite my tongue as hard as i can because i will be damned if i am going to give him any reason to take me back to those dark days. it was hell. i dreaded seeing him or any of his family, i shook with nerves at teh conrontation i knew was about to happen. i can't go back to that so i will continue to bite my tongue. i will not rock teh boat. i need to keep as many channels of communication with him open because he has care of my babies and i don't jsut mean physically, he has 'care' of tehir emotional well-being and he has an influence over them. i need taht influence to be as calm and as positive as possible. so yes, i will keep on biting my tongue and tolerating the no shows and the late turn-ups and whatever else he does.

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 22:28

I wouldn't dare with my experience of the courts I know I would be the bad one and would be come down on like a ton of bricks. If by the minute chance they didn't SS would be at my door on some made up complaint XH would see to that. i have already lost almost everything I will not lose the very little I have left.

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 22:32

I cannot cross the county border with dd at all even for a minute and it is a very small county. I cannot move out this god forsaken village. There are no large shopping centres in the county (thankfully there is a Lidl and a library), not much in the way of affordable leisure services either, not without crossing the border.

I also have to and I quote 'comply with the wishes of the . It was amicable at one point because out of fear I did everything I was told no matter how stupid and ridiculous.

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 22:33

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 22:34

It only lets descent people down HRH IYSWIM if your DH didn't care about his children he wouldn't be let down by the situation. I hope that comes across the way I mean it, not trying to be offensive. Except towards the courts that is.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 22:35

thankfully my ds was a baby when i was going through court. he knew nothing about it. he is almost 6 now and i would hate for him to see me in such a state, especially knowing it was his two parents 'fighting'

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 22:36

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 22:39

Xstitch, sounds like your ex like mine, I had no clue what lies he was telling for over a year, finally got a report and realised why cafcass were as they were with me, i clued up and caught him out in his lies. He was emailing I didn't show up to me and cafcass and unknown to him I was photographing kids in cctv right time and place and him not there. I think looking at his bank records why he messed with contact was to cheat on wife two...

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 22:41

I have had to skip meals to pay the legal aid bill. Smarts especially as the court order effectively prevents me getting a descent job as any descent ones are at least 90miles from here, usually further.

It breaks my heart when dd is crying becasue her dad has told her that Mummy would have bought x or y if she loved her. The thing is to buy these things I would have to not buy food but a bit difficult to explain to a 5 year old. He told her if I loved her I would take her to Disney Land . I can't go anywhere in this country never mind abroad, can't afford passports, he wouldn't sign the passport for for her anyway and I couldn't afford the actual trip.

He has not been let down by the courts in the slightest. He gets to go off and spread his oats yet can control me and make my life a misery and all with legal backing :(.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 22:45

xstitch when she is old enough you can tell her all this. i feel so so for you and your DD. i can't think of teh words to describe what i think of your EX.

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 22:53

Ironic isn't it that I would probably be free by now if I had killed him. No freedom for at least 10 probably 12 more years because I am the sort of person who tries to do the right thing. I suppose though if I had killed him becoming a criminal would then mean I had human rights but as it stands I have none.

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 22:57

Xstitch, I have massive debts due to legal fees, when I couldn't afford legal assistance I self represented, we faired badly as he had a top firm lies and I was traumatised and not educated in the law. I lost confidence in everyone as I struggle to trust after what he did, to his own children.

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