to think that non resident parents should have to take some responsibility?

[slightlyunbalanced]

EX H and have been separated for 4 1/2 years. He lives with someone else (who epitomises the evil step-mother and has been pushing and needling since they got together about my maintenace and how often they have access) and I am happy with my new OH - we don't live together.

He has them every other weekend and once in the week meaning he collects them from school one night and drops them off one morning (I work full time and have planned my working week around this for the last four years). This is all agreed in our divorce.

Him having them in the week means he also sees one of our DC who isn't his biologically but has called him dad since he could talk and who my ex decided wanted to continue to see after we split up. This DC sees the biological father every other weekend.

Decree absoloute came through last week.

First I knew about it was a nasty email from ex saying "congratulations" we are now divorced he is basically not going to do anything he has agreed to do, will not be helping with school runs or having the kids in the week (therefore not seeing one of our DC's anymore). I was at work and he phoned the kids before I got home and had a chance to talk to them, apparently he was at the airport and has fucked off gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks leaving me to deal with the fall out.

AIBU to feel incredibally angry that he has the audacity to think it is morally right to pick and chose what he does and doesn't do and just leave me to carry the can? What if I just decided I didn't want to bother doing everything I do anymore? Obviously I have no choice but to suck this up and deal with it, and support my children through it.

AIBU to feel throughly pissed off for my kids (esp the one who has basically been rejected by someone they have called dad) and at the attitude of some of my friends and family who think I should be grateful that he has "stuck around" at all - and for any scraps he throws at me.

This is someone who chose to have children with me and who I spent 10 years of my life with.

[BooyHoo]

"these men need to become social pariahs so that the stigma is a detterent."

totally agree. and the stigma needs to come off teh single mother who are slogging their guts out trying to make two ends meet because deadbeat dad are allowed to swan off as and when tehy please!!!

[LineRunner]

So was my ex. The day he left, I couldn't believe it - not just that he'd leave me, but that he'd walk out on his two small children whom he loved.

That must be some guilt trip these guys go on, when the OW's sexual allure starts to dim a bit.

Is that why they act so badly?

[BooyHoo]

"Is that why they act so badly?"
you mean the guilt trip? are you asking if tehy act badly because tehy feel guilty? i know some of my EXps arrogance stems from guilt when i have hit a nerve about him letting teh dcs down (again)

[ladyGeraldine]

Yep, exhorting ten years as an involved dad then it was all about ow. The. Hatred towards us is what they feel towards themselves and ow, as someone said eventually is not what she was the available ego massaging vagina, now she is just like you and boy does that make them angry.

[slightlyunbalanced]

My ex didn't leave me for her he met her 2 yrs later, up until we were great friends

[NulliusInVerba]

He may have been a great dad in those 10 years, but your children are between 8 and 13 so he still has many more years in which he should be a great dad. You are still responsible for them, why shouldnt he be?

If I had my way and my ideas were made law, your children would also be able to sue for compensation if he decided to pick his new girlfriend over his children.

[slightlyunbalanced]

I agree with you Nullius.

[Newbabynewmum]

You're right. Society slags off single mums not the shit "dads" who don't pay, don't see their children and pick them up and down like pets as and when they choose.

I just feel sorry for all the children.

[NulliusInVerba]

To be honest slightyunbalanced, I do have a feeling that all is not lost in your case. Hes being a grade A shit head, this is true. You as their mother would never be able to act like this, only men seem to get away with it.

But I stand by what I said earlier, sounds like he is having a childish paddy, and wants a reaction. Stand your ground and dont give him one.

I think, if he was such a great dad, his concience may start poking him once his shiney new toy gets a bit boring, IYSWIM.

[ladyGeraldine]

My exhorting spent 50k in court due to his delusions at wondering why the toys pets got fed up with his behavior. Funny all his people think he is a poor man who courts let down as they not at drop offs, abused in calls, at court etc, they listen to bull and to be fair who would go to those lengths to hide their sham, answer npd abusers do.

[Takeresponsibility]

You have good valid points and many of your exes sound like grade 1 arseholes, but of course not all NRP fathers are like this, and in my DPs case his stbx tries to stop the children seeing him as often as she can. Their youngest is nearly 15 so it is not physical prevention but psychological stuff.

Examples:

1. DS2s 18th - she phones up all chatty - what you doing for his birthday etc, "surprise BBQ in the afternoon", next day she books lunch for them all so he's not available.
   

2. He asks can I see DD on a weekday to buy and decorate Xmas tree (which she loves doing) - yes of course until the day comes and a text arrives from her saying she has taken DD to get the "family" tree, that we can all decorate together as a family.
3. She tells DCs thatDad deliberately works weekends so he doesn't have to see them - he's contractually obliged to.
4.She claims he has not given her a penny in maintenance - true due to her CCJs, IVA and general propensity to spend money on herself rather than bills. He does however pay the mortgage and most of the household bills to ensure they have a roof over their heads to the tune of nearly 3 times as much as he would be liable for via CSA/court.
5. I, of course, am an evil bitch /fat lesbian/ complete slag of whatever the flavour of the month is notwithstanding the fact that I pay every penny of the bills and mortgage on our house so he can keep a roof over her head.

I could go on forever, but it's very boring and predictable.

There are bad parents and good parents, bad partners and good partners. Not all NRPs are shite, and not all new partners are the wicked OW/OM.

Perspective please.

[BooyHoo]

take responsibility. nobody said it was all NRPs taht weren't taking responsibility. why are you suggesting we need perspective? we are discussing our own experiences of NRP's not pulling tehir weight. no-one said it was NRP's in general.

[BooyHoo]

HRH i totally agree. the courts system, as it stands is not fit for purpose.

[Newbabynewmum]

I don't have to write what I was going to put now. Thanks booyhoo. No one has ever said we are talking about all NRP's.

[Takeresponsibility]

Really? I posted just after reading page 3 of this thread and I quote you the following comments to demonstrate that whilst many posters are commenting on their own circumstances - which I commented on in my opening line - there is a lot of generalised crap about NRPs.

"Well, Fathers For Junkets Justice would have us believe that all men are just straining at the leash to have significant contact with their children. They explain away the scary statistics on lots of men not actually seeing their children at all by saying it's women who are stopping them.

I fear that this thread tells a different and sad tale."
"i know more dads who are living with their children than i do dads who aren't. out of the ones who live with their dcs, about half of them are as useful as a chocolate teapot and out of the ones who don't live with their dcs about 5% are actually interested and doing the best by their dcs. not sure what that says really. i think it tells me a lot of children are being let down. sad"

"Tossers, the lot of them."

"Part of the reason they dont care when new woman is around is because, like most men, they expect the woman to be caring for them even in old age. She is the mother replacement, and when you still see yourself as the child why would you think of being a parent??

I agree with alot on this thread. Its outrageous in this day and age its allowed to go on.

As has been stated, you cannot force a dad to have contact, and yes, even if you could it would probably be detrimental to the child. What needs to happen is a watertight CSA, that gives a proper proportion to the children untill they are 18. The use of the words "Im self employed" should no longer be a get out clause.

Secondly, the mother and child / children should be able to sue at the age of 16 or 18, and father that has not had contact or played a big enough role in raising the child. Sue for emotional damages and hardship compensation.

And lastly, idiot women among us need to stop having relationships with dead beat dads beleiving that "my child will be different", and these men need to become social pariahs so that the stigma is a detterent."

[BooyHoo]

right and where exactly amongst all your quotes does it say that all NRPs are shit parents?

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

takeresponsibility I really don't understand why your DP is paying his ex's mortgage, bills etc. So what if she has CCJ's etc - her problem, not yours. She needs to learn to budget like the rest of us single parents do, and even - shock horror - get a job. He should pay whatever the CSA amount is and no more.

As for her preventing contact, if the kids are in their teens why does he go through their mother? Is there contact schedule in place? If not, a lot of the issues may be avoided if he talked direct to the kids and arranged things with them.

Women who withhold or sabotage contact fuck me off as much as reckless fathers do.

[Takeresponsibility]

Try the bits about "all men", "Tossers the lot of them" etc, all of my quotes are genrealised comments about "Dads" or the "new woman", not specific comments about a particular ex spouse.

BooyHoo: Loving the way you have swerved the actual content of my comment just to slag me off for having an opinion - have I hit a nerve perhaps?

[NulliusInVerba]

Takeresponsibility please dont use my comments out of context. Everything I said is fact, and I was putting forward ideas for how this can be dealt with, as there is an ever growing culture of men having children and buggering off.

Just because your partner might (tell you) he wants contact with his children and the mother may be a witch etc etc doesnt make him the majority. He is not. We did not say all NRP's and we have mentioned mothers who leave their children aswell.

WE are damn well entitled to be angry!! WE are the ones picking up the pieces and trying to stop our children being damaged!

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

When I said "Tossers, the lot of them" I meant all feckless fathers are tossers, obviously (or so I thought ).