Put a question to Bridget Phillipson, Shadow Education Minister

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AIBU?

to think that non resident parents should have to take some responsibility?

187 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 10:59

EX H and have been separated for 4 1/2 years. He lives with someone else (who epitomises the evil step-mother and has been pushing and needling since they got together about my maintenace and how often they have access) and I am happy with my new OH - we don't live together.

He has them every other weekend and once in the week meaning he collects them from school one night and drops them off one morning (I work full time and have planned my working week around this for the last four years). This is all agreed in our divorce.

Him having them in the week means he also sees one of our DC who isn't his biologically but has called him dad since he could talk and who my ex decided wanted to continue to see after we split up. This DC sees the biological father every other weekend.

Decree absoloute came through last week.

First I knew about it was a nasty email from ex saying "congratulations" we are now divorced he is basically not going to do anything he has agreed to do, will not be helping with school runs or having the kids in the week (therefore not seeing one of our DC's anymore). I was at work and he phoned the kids before I got home and had a chance to talk to them, apparently he was at the airport and has fucked off gone on holiday to Spain for two weeks leaving me to deal with the fall out.

AIBU to feel incredibally angry that he has the audacity to think it is morally right to pick and chose what he does and doesn't do and just leave me to carry the can? What if I just decided I didn't want to bother doing everything I do anymore? Obviously I have no choice but to suck this up and deal with it, and support my children through it.

AIBU to feel throughly pissed off for my kids (esp the one who has basically been rejected by someone they have called dad) and at the attitude of some of my friends and family who think I should be grateful that he has "stuck around" at all - and for any scraps he throws at me.

This is someone who chose to have children with me and who I spent 10 years of my life with.

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Newbabynewmum · 30/05/2011 20:36

This IMO is supposed to be people who are in the same position giving each other support and helping each other out. If that's not you then have your say (if you must) then move along. Thank you!

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xstitch · 30/05/2011 20:36

softkitty when I read it I took it you were referring to feckless fathers rather than all fathers.

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Takeresponsibility · 30/05/2011 20:36

Softkitty - she has a full time job, he pays the mortgage because if he doesn't she won't and his first priority is that his kids have security of a roof over their heads, a warm house and water coming out of the taps. I know she should budget - but she has him over a barrel, she knows he will never let the kids go without.

The contact is aranged with the kids - my examples are the insidious ways she uses to make what Dad is doing seem unattractive or second best.

Be assured he has decided no more Mr Nice Guy - if she phones wanting details of what he is doing with the kids she will be told to mind her own business.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 20:36

takeresponsibility. can you point out where i have slagged you off? which elements of your post would you like me to address, they are all quotes taht you posted to back up your statement that we were discussing all NRP's i responded by asking you to clarify which part of the quotes proves your statement.

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 20:36

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Takeresponsibility · 30/05/2011 20:45

BooyHoo OK maybe not slagged me off but attacked my right to interpret some of this thread as general opinion and want to post an opposing view.

You did not comment on my post but on my interpretation of the thread which disagreed with yours.

I still feel much of this thread is generalised and put forward some examples of how the situation can be reversed and RP Mothers can be just as destructive of their childrens relationships with their Dads as the Dads can be themselves.

This is AIBU and I am entitled to interpret the thread as I see fit and comment on it - you are entitled to your opinion, you are not entitled to deny me mine.

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follyfoot · 30/05/2011 20:45

We too are on the other side of this. Its not all feckless fathers and poor mothers left behind to fend for themselves and the children for goodness sake.

My DH is a great father whose relationship with one of his DCs (my SSs) was severely affected by a bitter and twisted ex wife who did and does everything in her power to turn the children against him. Access was only when she said, cancelled at the last minute because she chose to, and she relentlessly tried to turn the children d against their father and even their grandparents. One DSS will no longer mention his father's name at his mother's house because he cannot bear the snide remarks. With my other DSS, it has taken and will continue to take, many years to put right the damage to his relationship with his father thanks to his mother.

Less of the generalisations would do all children of separated parents an awful lot of good.

Oh and by the way, my XH was an absolute shit and went to prison for what he did to us. That doesnt make all absent fathers rubbish.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 20:50

again take where have i attacked. what did i say that was attacking? i asked you to point out where on those quotes it said "all NRPs are shit". that isn't attacking. that is asking you to back up your statement, which you really have to be prepared to do when you post on an internet forum. if you think me asking you this is attacking then you are wrongt. you can't just post stuff and then not be prepared to back it up.

i do take issue with this comment of yours as you clearly consider that teh posters here are generalising, i ask you to consider what this post is doing WRT RP mothers.

"I still feel much of this thread is generalised and put forward some examples of how the situation can be reversed and RP Mothers can be just as destructive of their childrens relationships with their Dads as the Dads can be themselves."

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 20:51

folly, no-one has said all NRPs are rubbish.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 20:53

I am just saying that in my situation I feel I should have some rights and power to have a choice over my own life.

I am not saying all NR dads are crap.

Not all experiences are like mine.

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 20:53

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ladyGeraldine · 30/05/2011 20:54

My exh pays the mortgage interest as the judge told him to to provide his kids a home, not my fault or theirs its the law, he also made by judge to give me money for the bills, that's the law and it enrages him and ow second wife. They obviously didn't look into the law when the excitement of affair etc was messing with their heads.

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 20:54

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follyfoot · 30/05/2011 20:55

It is implied in this thread as HRHetc says.

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 20:55

To add - the other NRD in my life is lovely and has done what he agreed to do for 9 years.

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 20:55

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 20:56

HRH the reason it may seem biased is because the main contributors have posted about their own experiences of NRPs. do we have to have a disclaimer at the bottom of every post saying "this post is in relation to my own experience and does not represent my opinion of all NRPS/chimney sweeps/tadpoles etc"?

surely people can see that the posts are about our own experiences?

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 20:56

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TheHumanCatapult · 30/05/2011 20:57

ah when my ex used to see the dc I had to hand money over so he would feed them and if he was taking them anywhere ( soft play or something I had to give him money for that as he said the matienace was for that .I nearley chocked laughing I get £12 a month for the 2 dc .Did say no you feed them and found out they had 1 drink and a bag of crisps each in 8 hrs

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HRHMJOFMAGICJAMALAND · 30/05/2011 20:58

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 21:02

I also have a good relationship with my partners kids mum she is not a bitch or a psycho

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SoftKittyWarmKitty · 30/05/2011 21:04

TheHumanCatapult You should have given your DCs a packed lunch and told him to take them to the park as it's free.

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ChippingIn · 30/05/2011 21:08

Bloody hell.

If you take things out of context anything can look bad.

Take/Folly/ - we were discussing Feckless (...usually males so...) Fathers - that is what the thread is about, they/them/NRP's was all referring to Feckless Fathers who mess about with contact - not the ones who don't and certainly not the ones who want more contact and can't get it. There are lovely NRP's (and their partners) who don't get the contact they want and are played like fiddles too - no one is saying there aren't - it's just not what we were discussing.

It has been mentioned several times on this thread that the law does not help the 'wronged' party - whichever side that's on.

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BooyHoo · 30/05/2011 21:09

hurray for chipping!!

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slightlyunbalanced · 30/05/2011 21:09

Yay for ChippingIn

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