To have high expecations of myself as a furture mother.

[Liby]

I am planning to
-not use dummies
-not let my kids eat junk food
-no disney
-no barbies/bratz
-extra homework most evenings
-chidren will learn another language
-same with musical instrument
-computer games/tv etc limited to weekends
-to grow vegetables with my DC
-take them to museums regularly
-read with them/to them everynight
-cook with them regularly
-To say no and mean no and have high expecations of behaviour at all times.

probably loads more. Im I being unreasonable??

Ime, it is the people who have planned everything out who are more at risk of pnd.

What if you have a child with sn? Who is tone deaf ( I am, learnt an instrument through my choice, never got any good and has had no effect on life as an adult), or just not academic?

Either you won't stick to your list and you will feel like a failure or you will stick to it and your dcs will probably feel like failures ( seems to be setting out to raise dcs with ishooes).

Have a look at freakenomics on the effect ( or, rather, lack of effect ) of parenting.

Actually I agree with the OP on disney. They have a shocking human rights record in their factories and therefore DD will not be having disney and I will explain why. Small children working long hours to make toy story toys for western kids. Horrid.

Yes pagwatch, thats exactly what i meant. I mean, what sort of person STARTS going to museums and growing their own vegetables just because they have children?! Surely you are doing these things already, and will continue to do them because they are things you value anyway?
Tbh, the sort of woman who compiles a list and announces it on a public forum before even having kids, strikes me as perilously like some of those dreadful mothers you encounter who hover over every detail of their childs life, transferring all their own unfulfilled aspirations onto them. Focus on achieving an interesting life with sound values yourself- children learn by role models, not by being told what they 'ought' to do!
The other phrase the op used which speaks volumes is 'my children wont know whats best for them. I will.' No mention of the fathers views at all then? Or perhaps he daren't have an opinion (just as the children won't!)

Haven't read anything except the OP which is just so funny!

I'm not sure if I'm or at the OP, although I may have ever so slightly been you up until last year!

So, lets have a look at your list...

-not use dummies - yes, prior to the hell that us reflux I possibly would have agreed. During the bad times though I would have given anything for DD to have taken a dummy and stopped crying for ONE MINUTE out of the ELEVEN HOURS she did daily. Do not underestimate this, until you have experienced it.

-not let my kids eat junk food. Not even at a party? How will you 'police' this? Forever?

-no disney - why on earth not? ITs no better/worse than any other television.

-no barbies/bratz - Barbies - developmental pretend play for when they have grown out of cups and saucers/happyland etc. Get real. What exactly does constitute an acceptable toy?

-extra homework most evenings - that you will do. Wouldn't educational play be a better balance?

-chidren will learn another language. I learned 2. Used one once on holiday in the 20 years since. Glad I invested 4 years into that

-same with musical instrument. Ditto. Learned 2. Never played as an adult.

-computer games/tv etc limited to weekends. - when you are knackered from the week and need a break?

-to grow vegetables with my DC

-take them to museums regularly - oh yes. They will love that!

-read with them/to them everynight - fair play

-cook with them regularly - Yep, I do this every night with my uber-clingy DD in the sling.

-To say no and mean no and have high expecations of behaviour at all times. - every parent does this. We just have to adjust our own expectations.

I had a few of my own... not co-sleeping - went out of the window at the first major growth spurt. No slings - reflux/colic/intolerances put paid to that.

Yes. YABU, and unrealistic. Believe me, its so hard, without potentially setting yourself up to achieve the unachievable.

Thats my opinion too zimm!!!!

Thanks for your opinions everyone. :)

Agree with lynehamrose.

Think you are seriously setting yourself up for failure here. Can understand the disney thing as it makes me a bit nausious (SP?) but you need to reduce the expectations and focus on what is important. You do actually want your dcs to enjoy life don't you?

Dummies are the lesser of three evils.

Evil 1 - baby crying for hours, inconsolable.
Evil 2 - baby finds thumb and sucks it for seven years, thus making front teeth horribly bucktoothed leading to orthodontistry. (It happened to me!) You can always throw dummies away but you can't throw thumbs away, the social frown on parents taking axes to babies hands.

And as for wanting them to learn musical instruments - it's great! I have two children who can play in a trio with me on the violin. Lovely. It's hard work but they do enjoy it. On the other hand, my firstborn resolutely refuses to learn an instrument and I have complied.

I've settled down nicely to everything in moderation
I could comment on all of them but I've picked my personal favourites from your list....

• My kids use DVD's to improve their second language (we're a bi-lingual household but I don't speak my DH's language well enough so DVD's are a godsend to help them learn when he isn't around)
• Dummies - arghh yes with DS but problems sleeping so I swore no for DD but now I have a thumbsucking daughter with big horrid callous on her hand.
• Wait til you're caught in a traffic jam or a long airpoer t delay (8 hours the last time) with no option for food but burger and chips and then you'll be worshipping at the god of Burger King!
• Education well both kids are bi-lingual, my DS at 4 loves to invent his robots and can explain anythign mechanical or "physics" like gravity - will he pick up a pen and write his name ... oh no!

Great to have the expectations but don't worry too much when they go slip sliding away

I was adamant Ds wasnt going to have a dummy. Until at 8 weeks the HDU nurse asked if they could give him one. He is 18 months now and still has it to sleep.

Something's you just can't plan for. Your trying your best attitude sounds much better!

Also you should wait until your children are old enough so that you and they can see what they are good at and interested in. You may want your dc to learn an instrument but they may well be crap at it and be great at art or science instead.

One important thing to learn is that just because you are interested or good at something is absolutely no indication that your child will be, these things are by no means garenteed to be inherited. They have their own personalities you know!

Where are you getting clothes for your dcs, and other toys? Are they all ethically sourced.

I've always had a dislike for Disney because they sanitize traditional stories ( the little mermaid marrying the prince really bugs me). But, thats just my issue...

i was never going to allow Dds to eat wotsits whilst going round Waitrose. Surprised not barred from the place.

Not at all
I do all those bar homework and instruments good on you

-To say no and mean no and have high expecations of behaviour at all times.

Ha ha I love this one.... Yeah try telling this one to a 2/3 year old when they are lying in the middle of a shop screaming because they can't have the crappy plastic toy they've just seen.

What if your kids aren't musically inclined, or even linguistically inclined. Not everyone can learn an instrument or another language. What if your kids don't want to learn this stuff? What if museums bore them stupid? What if they hate gardening?

Why extra homework? Children are either born smart or not. You can't make them genius' by piling extra homework on them.

And before banning dummies you should look into the research that they reduce the risk of cot death.

If this is genuine, you basically sound like your setting up for a fall.

Ok liby, what happens when your husband is away, you have a tummy bug, the baby has been up 6 times overnight, it is 6.30am and you have had 3 hours of broken sleep. The baby has just gone to sleep at last but your 3 year old is up and raring to go. If you turn on Cbeebies you could get another hour of sleep. But it is Monday. Still think you wouldn't turn the tv on? Ha!

Until you know the real demands that small children make, you can make as many rules as you like. But when you have kids and realise what true sleep deprivation means, you might realise you are human after all.

hahahahahahahahahahhhhahahahahahahahaahhahaahahahahahhahaahahahaha

As long as you never eat junk food, don't watch TV during the week and make the effort to learn languages/play instruments and do extra work after you get home from work from the time your kids are born until they are all of age I think your list is workable.

ROFL.

I have expectations of myself as a parent, but I try not to have too many of the kids. I want them to do well obviously, but I grew up feeling like my best was never good enough, so will just try to foster an environment where they feel nurtured and can grow healthily. I encourage them to learn and do things that I feel will give them key skills in later life, but I focus on their happiness and emotional well-being always.

Dummies are easy enough to use in moderation and are beneficial in some ways I thought. Junk food in moderation is fine, I think it is more important to educate them in how to eat a balanced diet than to restrict what they eat. Encouraging learning in all areas is great, but sometimes they will not have proficiency and others no interest. I think making it available but not forcing it is the best way to go, that way they have choices and can choose to excel in what they wish to excel at. There are times when pushing them to do homework is not ideal, a tired child won't learn and you'll find that often a full day at school in the early years is more than enough. Reading with them does just as much I think, if my son goes to bed and reads for half an hour, I far prefer that to homework.

Real life does get in the way sometimes, so I plan to do lots with my children, but I am not hard on myself if we don't always get round to it. Like the month where my son had croup, then a viral, then gastroentiritis, then I caught it, everything non-essential fell by the wayside and I focused on care, cleaning and cooking. So long as they are happy and their lives full of love, I don't think you are going to go far wrong.

My parents hated dummies and refused to use them. They had 3 children so chances are they had all variety if ailments. It's not as though dummies are essential, if they didn't exist you'd survive. I'm sure they make life easier though.

Yes, the thing is to be flexible and be prepared to follow your dcs lead.

I do take the dcs to museums - the museums that they like ( science museum and war museum). Ds is at a bilingual preschool. They will learn instruments if they are musical. If they have other talents we will support those.

Extra homework is just odd.

TBH, I generally do most of that, except no Disney (what's your objection there?), they watch some television in the week although not much, and I don't give extra homework (research shows that homework, at least at primary age, doesn't have any benefit to the child). Also DD1 isn't at the Barbie age yet and I think I'll probably let her have one although we shall aim to make clothes for it rather than buy into all the associated merchandising.

They are still semi-feral a lot of the time, though. Before having children I did think "Oh, you just need to be firm and consistent and stick to your guns and then they will behave well". Hahahahahaha. I even have the conversation with DS: "Have I ever changed my mind because of your jumping up and down shouting 'Pleeeeeease'/rolling on the floor kicking/bursting into tears?" "No." "Do you think I am going to change my mind this time?" "No." But they still do it. I presume they haven't read the books.

There's some suggestion that dummies help to prevent SIDS (although from reading the headline data it seemed more to show that babies who normally have dummies are more likely to die from SIDS if they go to bed without them than if they go to bed with them, and there isn't a clear comparison with babies who never had dummies. But there may have been more research since I last read it). So don't be so quick to label all your personal prejudices (we all have them as "high expectations").

When you don't have children all the competing factors seem easier to balance; once you do it's a constant juggling act. You don't allow junk food but your DC's best friend is having a birthday party at McDonalds do you let him/her go and compromise your "no junk food" principle or do you stop him/her from going and interfere in the friendship? You vow to do "extra homework" but one of your children is very physical and really needs an hour or two of running around in the fresh air after a day at school what do you do? And if you want your children to have reasonable bedtimes (not actually on your list, but very important for their general wellbeing and in maintaining good behaviour) and eat proper family meals and do extra homework and learn another language and practice an instrument and take reasonable amounts of exercise and spend time in the garden and spend time cooking (and that's before adding in things like "and spend time reading independently for pleasure") then you have a lot of juggling to do, particularly when you have more than one child. On weekdays we have a total of four hours between DS stepping out of school and his getting into bed. By and large something ends up giving and you just do the best you can, like the rest of us.

Oh dear dear dear I am afraid that you are going to be sorely disappointed somewhere down the line and I hope it is with yourself and not your DC when they don't toe the line. The higher the expectations the harder the fall in my book!

Some nice ideas but a bit all about you I'm afraid and I think you'll find that from an early age they have their own likes and dislikes. No mention of sport or physical activity on that list - so wouldn't last five minutes in this house with two very active boys. Nothing there that allows for things to just "happen" sometimes the best things are the unplanned ones.

One DS had a dummy the other sucked his thumb, guess which one now has speech and dental problems from pushing his teeth out and his pallet up, you can throw a dummy away but thumbs appear to be attached for life.

I think you should be a little gentler on yourself and your DC when they arrive or life could be pretty tense for you and yours.