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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have high expecations of myself as a furture mother.

275 replies

Liby · 30/05/2011 10:13

I am planning to
-not use dummies
-not let my kids eat junk food
-no disney
-no barbies/bratz
-extra homework most evenings
-chidren will learn another language
-same with musical instrument
-computer games/tv etc limited to weekends
-to grow vegetables with my DC
-take them to museums regularly
-read with them/to them everynight
-cook with them regularly
-To say no and mean no and have high expecations of behaviour at all times.

probably loads more. Im I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
hokeycakey · 30/05/2011 12:09

There is nothing wrong with your list, the only thing is that as others have said you seem to be thinking more about yourself being a FABULOUS parent rather than the children you will be having, it also seems like a bit of a dig at anyone who doesn't live up to your standards

Also what about your dh? What does he think about parenting? I didn't realise how much your own upbringing affects your parenting, I was really into no tv because thats how I was brought up but for dh he wanted to share the films he loved as a child with ds, who am I to say no you are not allowed.

I agree with some of your list but most people have shown how in the REAL WORLD you have to lighten up a bit otherwise you will have children who are very scared not to live up to your expectations.

Good Luck

cory · 30/05/2011 12:09

Liby Mon 30-May-11 10:13:26
I am planning to
-not use dummies

I stuck to this and regret it. A 10yo sucking her fingers is not a pretty sight.

-not let my kids eat junk food

You will curtail their social lives if you never let them eat junk food. You are also likely to find that what you class as good food will be classed as junk food by at least one friend's parents which will annoy you intensely.

-no disney

You will miss out on the great classics, like Jungle Book and Fantasia. But they won't- they'll get to watch them at school or at their friends' house.

-no barbies/bratz

You will alienate their friends if you turn away birthday presents.

-extra homework most evenings

You will most likely find that they are falling asleep with exhaustion over the homework they get in the early years- and simply too busy with homework when they get older.

-chidren will learn another language

Part of the National Curriculum, though how well they learn it will depend to some extent on how much extra in the way of books and films and visits to the country you provide. It will also depend to some extent on how hard you can get them to work.

-same with musical instrument

This one does depend on how much they want to practise.

-computer games/tv etc limited to weekends

This one does seem within the realms of possibility- though obviously you can't police their friends' parents when they are round there playing.

-to grow vegetables with my DC

Yes, though you may find that they refuse to get involved after they reach a certain age. Or they may love it. But you cannot force an interest.

-take them to museums regularly

D:o. I make mine go round museums. One is keen, the other hates it.

-read with them/to them everynight

I do do this. But if they didn't like it, it would be harder.

-cook with them regularly

Again, they may enjoy it or may hate it.

-To say no and mean no and have high expecations of behaviour at all times.

You can always have expectations. but a certain amount of challenging behaviour is normal at certain stages of development and you will get through them a lot quicker if you allow for that and work around it.

What you do not seem to have developed yet is a sense of your children as people in their own right, with their own interests and their own sense of what makes life worthwhile. And who will gradually have a life of their own outside your control.

What if you find that you have given birth to an incredibly artistic child who sees practising his instrument as a waste of time when he could be sketching in the park? What if they hate cooking because it takes them away from embroidery? Or get so involved with sport or drama or horse riding that it seriously cuts down on their time to grow vegetables with you?

You can introduce them to activities and hope they will like them. You can force them to acquire certain basic skills, such as plain cooking, whether they like it or not. But you don't get to decide what they are going to enjoy or be interested in. And in all likelihood they will make you engage in a fair few activities you never thought you would take an interest in.

SunshineisSorry · 30/05/2011 12:19

I think the OP has gone off to do her extra homework, she's not come back

ILoveYouToo · 30/05/2011 12:22

Maybe you should put in a bit of spelling homework yourself.... perfect furture (sic) mother... Grin

loobylu3 · 30/05/2011 12:28

I am planning to
-not use dummies- I didn't for any of mine but I think they are probably a sensible choice for a small baby in certain circumstances.

-not let my kids eat junk food- My DC don't eat much junk food but that is because we don't eat much. They are allowed 'junk food' at friends houses, parties, etc and I think being v restrictive leads to difficulties.

-no disney-Is that for ethical reasons? Do you enforce this in every area of your life?

-no barbies/bratz- My DD has thoroughly enjoyed imaginative play with her Barbies. Can't stand Bratz though Grin

-extra homework most evenings-It depends on the individual character and ability of the child/ age/ sex, etc. I tend to do a bit extra with my DD1 (year 4) but once a week at most and this is because of her personality/ ability.
I think every night is far too much and hard to achieve in practice unless you are only planning one child or possibly two docile ones, close in age!

-children will learn another language- if you are a bilingual family, then yes.

-same with musical instrument-a good idea in theory. I gained a huge amount from learning musical instruments. If the child has no talent and not interest, it is obviously not a good idea.

-computer games/tv etc limited to weekends-again, good in theory but you may find, in practice, that you need to allow the younger child to watch 30 minutes of TV to enable you to help the older with their homework!!

Also, do remember that children chat a lot at school about current things and this includes music, TV, etc. My parents were v strict with us generally and we therefore were completely unable to join in conversations about these sort of things. I try to have a bit more balance with my DC.

-to grow vegetables with my DC- great if you enjoy gardening, have a garden, etc. I don't enjoy it much personally.

-take them to museums regularly-great idea but will depend on their age and whereabouts you live.

-read with them/to them every night- yes

-cook with them regularly- most children enjoy cooking.

-To say no and mean no and have high expecations of behaviour at all times- lovely in theory but impossible in practice. No adult or child behaves perfectly at all times. You will have to accept that your children will be naughty sometimes and deal with it as you feel best at the time.

It is great to expect high standards of parenting for yourself but I think that you have to be flexible depending of your individual child and your individual circumstances.

Groovee · 30/05/2011 12:30

You need to learn to spell before demanding they do extra homework.

Liby · 30/05/2011 12:31

Sorry - I didn't stick around, just remembered I don't have kids yet so actually have a life!!! see ya.

OP posts:
clappyhands · 30/05/2011 12:32

ha ha ha ha ha
i just knew this was LIBY from her HEADLINE!

away to read it now
but YABU

ha ha ha ha ha ha

clappyhands · 30/05/2011 12:36

ha ha LIBY, you don't have a life, hence posting your nonsense on here.

good luck with the ttc

please link back to this post in the future it will be sure to give you a laugh

Liby · 30/05/2011 12:37

Groovee - i'm not currently doing a spelling test, please contribute something worth while or get lost.

OP posts:
clappyhands · 30/05/2011 12:39

aaahhhh now LIBY is up in arms about having her spelling picked up on

be a big girl now and run along............

just loving half term Grin

ExpatAgain · 30/05/2011 12:39

liby, well good for you, admirable intentions (think I had all of them too). Helps to be flexible though and kids test you to an unbelievable degree which is when things slip...That's life.

clappyhands · 30/05/2011 12:40

do a search...

LIBY is all over the place....... mmmmmmmmmm

ScrotalPantomime · 30/05/2011 12:41

I don't have kids yet so actually have a life!!!

I was actually thinking how sweet your OP was, having all these expectations of your lovely family life.

Now I just think you're a fool.

If you think you can only have a life before children, why do you want them?

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teachermumof3 · 30/05/2011 12:56

Hmm, I'd have to add learn how to spell 'future' to the list if you're going for perfection...

dontrunwithscissors · 30/05/2011 12:57

OK, just done a search and Confused about whether OP actually wants children or not.

FWIW: I feel like I have more of a life after children than before. Watching them grow up brings me back to my own happy childhood, and forces me to put all my troubles in to perspective.

dontrunwithscissors · 30/05/2011 12:59

Sorry, is just fluff.

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExpatAgain · 30/05/2011 13:09

aah come on! Weren't we all as naive or was it just me?!

LeQueen · 30/05/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ruprekt · 30/05/2011 13:13

A friend of mine told me that she was returning to work when her first baby was 3 weeks old.

She had no child care and was a dr's receptionist.

the baby was going to sleep in a babyseat under the desk

I said nothing.

She had the baby.

The baby is now 8 years old.

She has still not returned to work.

Grin
dontrunwithscissors · 30/05/2011 13:17

I've just remembered that DH swore blind that there was no way that any of his children would use a dummy. We took DD1 home at around 6pm the day after she was born. He lasted until 9am the next morning. (In fact, he was pacing back and forth outside Mothercare at 8.55 waiting for it to open.....).

Highlander · 30/05/2011 13:21

I also said no to sweets, biscuits and TV until DS1 was 2 (he did watch a bit of Charlie and Lola on the PC).

DS2 was 4 weeks old, DH went back to work and DS1 was in front of the TV with a chocolate digestive by 3pm Wink

Looking back, I think I did incredibly well to last that long Grin

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